I need to vent

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Fri Feb 26, 2010 09:07 pm

What you said totally makes sense and thank you so much :) I do want to see someone I just dont even know where to begin to look. I want someone good but dont know where to find someone.
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Re : I need to vent

Postby sam10 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 09:20 pm

Hi Laura,

When I was in the hospital, there were social workers who had lists of therapists and support groups. Also, I called my insurance and got a list of available therapists in my area. Not sure, if either is an option for you, as I don't know about your hospital nor your insurance situation.
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Re : I need to vent

Postby rosemary » Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:00 pm

Laura, I have to echo the other ladies and tell you that it was incredibly kind of you to go to your friends shower...I can only imagine how hard it was for you to do that.

You know, you said it best...those who have not suffered the loss of a child can't possibly understand the true depth of the grief. Even if we suffer a similar loss, we can never completely understand how another person feels about their individual loss. I am incredibly sorry that your friend told you to move on. In my personal experience, I have found that most people have a very hard time dealing with those who have suffered a loss - especially when it comes to the loss of a child. With that said, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with hurtful comments.

Each of us has to find our own way on this tough journey. We each find healing and coping in very different ways. None is right, and none is wrong...it's all about what fits at the moment. Do what is right for you...and know that we are here to listen. I wish you peace....(((HUGS)))
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Re : I need to vent

Postby angieb » Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:07 pm

I'm almost about 6 months out I think, (yes, you eventually stop counting the weeks and months- or at least I did), so I am by no means an expert, but I have definitely said "oh yeah, I'm doing okay." and then turned around and not been okay very soon after I was convinced I was okay. Especially around the 3 month mark. That's normal. And I don't think if you have a bad day that you are back at square one, even if it feels like that first day of real grief when the numbness wears off, but just that we are all going to have good days and bad days in the next several months and years.

As far as what to say to your friend, it really depends how blunt you want to be, but I would probably say something like, "Thank you for being concerned, but unless you've experienced what I have, you have no idea what I'm going through, or what is normal, so please don't try to tell me what I should be doing. I know you only mean well, but it isn't helping."

As far as the baby shower, I'm proud of you for going, but don't force yourself to do things like that if you can't. Seriously. Take care of YOURSELF first, what you are going through trumps almost everything, be a little more "selfish" or I consider it "self-protective". My friend just had her baby girl in January (the month I was due) and her baby shower the weekend after Olivia's death. I really can't handle talking to her on the phone much or really talking to her at all. I can text her in small doses. There is so much going on in her life right now, with a newborn, that I just can't really bear to hear about. It's harder now that the baby is actually here than it was when she was pregnant, because the pregnancy I could relate to, at least, even as screwed up as our experience was. So...just keep in mind that it's not necessary to push yourself into those things for the sake of being a good friend- if they are truly your friend, they'll understand and not expect you to.
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Re : I need to vent

Postby rebecca2 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:21 pm

Laura, my OB gave me the names of a few therapist in my area. I tried one and didn't care for her at all. (It didn't help that her receptionist was complaining about being pregnant with another boy while I was there.) After that I emailed the facilitator of the MISS support group in my area and asked for recommendations. Ironically she gave me the same names as my OB, but she had personal experience with one of the therapist. I found her to be a much better fit. Plus, she had experience helping people with loss & infertility, which I needed.

I would ask at your support group to see if anyone has recommendations. If they can't help, you might check out the missfoundation.org site to see if they have a local group in your area that can make recommendations. It is important to remember that finding a therapist is similar to finding an OB or MFM. You might have to interview a few before you find the right fit.
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Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:33 pm

Thanks everyone! Hearing from you all def helps me through :)))
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Re : I need to vent

Postby love_the_daschies » Sat Feb 27, 2010 00:40 am

I had someone say I was not handleing my grief well and I needed to seek help and all this other stuff 6 months after losing Vincent. I was also 12 weeks pregnant at the time. It was awful. It was all on a voicemail as well. I called back and told her she had no idea how much she destroyed our relationship and that I would never forgive her. I then blocked her number from contacting me. 4 months later - after she commented to my mom she went to therapy and had a rough time going on then - I hung out with her again. I made it very clear we could not talk about what happened because then I would be mad again. We are slowly trying to rebuild a friendship.

Basically, I am saying do what YOU need to do. You and your hubby are the only ones who matter in this situation.

Hugs and sorry for such a callous comment from your friend.
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Re : I need to vent

Postby jennieexpo » Sat Feb 27, 2010 01:26 pm

Hey Laura,
I'm so sorry your friend had to be so non-understanding. I heard somewhere that through sickness/loss of a loved one you find your true friends. Like many other ladies have said they've had friendships that had been since childhood crumble at the time of their loss. Its extremely sad, that people can just be so insensative. I wanted to tell you though as an out sider and being friends with you on facebook, I think your doing extremely well for what you've been through. I actually had my husband watch your video with me and he agreed that you seem to being really well dealing with your loss. I can't imagine how I'd be doing if I lost my boy. I seriously doubt I'd be doing as well as you are. I haven't noticed your facebook posts being all that sad really. I know you must be hurting deeply but it doesn't show all that much. I think you had said on your blog that it not easy for you to show how your feeling, and it seems to be true as much as I can tell. So I don't see how your friend thinks or would say that to you. Your in my prayers Laura and there is no dead line when it comes to grief, you'll always carry some with you your whole life. Take your time, only you know the best way to deal. I know I don't know what your going through but I just wanted to let you know I think your doing great! :)
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Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Sat Feb 27, 2010 06:28 pm

Thank you so much! It helps to hear what you all have to say :)
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Re : I need to vent

Postby wrennie » Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:25 pm

Laura, i too am so sorry you have to deal with family and friends who do not understand and who are only making this harder on you. I have found that you are right, no one really does understand unless they have been there themselves. I definitely have experienced a mix of people, friends and family that help me remember, but then there are those who just cant seem to be there for me. I definitely feel my true friends really stood out after my loss.

Well, what I learned in therapy, is that you can not fix anyone else. But you can learn how to deal with situations. I think its important to try to educate people on how you feel, where your at, in hopes that they can become supportive. My mom visited me 5 days after my loss, for what was supposed to be my baby shower, and the first thing she told me was to stop crying. Seriously? We fought, or I fought, with her for months. My therapist helped me see her side, she was my mom, and she wanted to fix my heart but didnt know how. I finally wrote her a letter. Putting my emotions out there on paper for her to read really changed everything...to tell her I would be okay, but it wasnt going to be today, or tomorrow, infact I wasnt sure when, but I was working at it and was determined to be at peace with my loss, that she needed to give me that time and space, as hard as it was for her to see me hurt, I needed to be there and she needed to respect that.

It takes time, and people dont get that. People dont get that the heart of the pain actually never leaves. It heals, and becomes less sore, but it defines life.

I personally think, from the little I know you :), that you are so brave and so in touch with your emotions. Your blog is amazing. And, I think you are being true to yourself. Continue to do what feels right, you cant go wrong with that. You need to do that to be at peace and hopefully you can get your family/friends to understand that!

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