I need to vent

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
User avatar
l412angel
Registered User
Posts: 1746
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 02:46 pm
Location: Illinois
Contact:

Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:39 am

Thanks so much Jill! Its just hard I dont think anyone could ever understand t he pain we go through, unless they have shared in that pain :(

naomihope427
Registered User
Posts: 247
Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2009 04:48 pm

Re : I need to vent

Postby naomihope427 » Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:29 am

Laura,

I am so very sorry your best friend made those comments to you. I was stunned yet, I've heard those comments to me almost on a daily basis. And I choose to distance myself or not talk to them. BUT being this is your best friend, I read what others wrote, and I think they had some really good ideas. I know, whenever I hurt I sometimes text and tell my best friend, I feel as if she may be "annoyed" with it in a way but doesn't say or show it. She always responds as "you're a beautiful mom with so much love & I just wish there was more I can do to help". I remember shortly after losing Naomi, my best friends parents (were both 22, both same birthdays) and they paid for a hotel for her & I for 2 nights to just "be away" . It was hard, emotional, but I thought it was very sweet of them. I also have been told actually just recently by my best friends mom that my facebook posts were depressing and depressing to others and that not many people wanna read that. I took offense to that. I also have been told by others about my facebook posts and things like that, then I thought maybe I shouldn't b posting my heart on facebook, yet I needed that "support" in a way. It HURTS and people don't understand, only those who have been or are going through it. I remember 2 or 3 days after Naomi's funeral, my uncle came down for it from PA, and said "im not going to lie to you, you're going to have a long road ahead of you, it aint easy". I "liked" that in a way. He wasn't sugar coating it and he was honest and he also told me ill be told some horrible things, and I remember asking him what do I say when people ask me how are you ? He said you tel them "no im not okay" he said you don't have to hide your feelings. He has been through it and lives with it daily, its been 20 years since he lost his 9 year old son. I remmeber my brother & sister saying oh look at uncle so & so he lost his 9 year old, it could be worse Jill. I don't wanna hear that. Yes that's horrible but I lost my daughter, I feel as if people think "its just a baby". No it goes WAY beyong that as we know. Anyways sorry for rambling. I also wanna say you were so brave to go to your best friends baby shower. I know I couldn't have. I read your blogs all the time, you are amazing & always in my thoughts Laua!

wrennie
Registered User
Posts: 1019
Joined: Wed Dec 26, 2007 02:12 pm

Re : I need to vent

Postby wrennie » Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:32 pm

btw, when I looked for a therapist I was overwhelmed. I met a few as meet and greets. It took ENERGY, and was exhausting, but I really told the ones I met that I was looking for someone who was experienced with helping people going thru pregnancy loss. One of the therapist I called recommended the one I ended up going to, who was a womans therapist only. If you start looking, just dont stop at the first one if it doesnt feel right. It should feel right, that they click and get what you are saying and vice versa.

sorry im a little long winded tonight!

User avatar
m
Registered User
Posts: 140
Joined: Tue Jun 16, 2009 05:43 pm

Re : I need to vent

Postby m » Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:29 pm

I would say that if you're able to attend a baby shower you're doing great. It's been a year for me and I still don't know when or if I'll ever be going to a baby shower again. This soon after your loss, it would be abnormal if you weren't still feeling sad.

I have had some similar suggestions from people who I know truly care and would never try to hurt me. They simply do not and cannot understand. Some people get that and they realize that they don't understand what we're going through and they are the best kind of friends to be around during this time. Others think they understand and think they know what's best for you. I have had to choose to distance myself from some people for this reason. It won't be permanent, but comments like that are the last thing a person needs to deal with after the death of their child.

It's tough to know how to respond to people like this. In two situations I typed up really long, really angry email responses to a few people who were pushing me to do things I wasn't ready for or didn't need. Then I waited a few days and made the emails shorter and nicer and waited a few more days and changed them some more. I ended up sending out just a few very short comments to one person and not replying at all to the other. I think they both got the point and we still have good relationships. If this friend would be receptive to it, you might refer her to a good grief web site (there are a lot out there) that has a page of suggestions for how to help a friend through grief. This one has a good page of do's and don'ts:
[url]http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-families/friends-relatives/[/url]
Unless you're feeling totally out of control, I think that most people know what's best for themsleves in dealing with a loss. It may not make sense to other people, but you just have to do what you know will work for you.

wrennie
Registered User
Posts: 1019
Joined: Wed Dec 26, 2007 02:12 pm

Re : I need to vent

Postby wrennie » Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:25 pm

Laura, i too am so sorry you have to deal with family and friends who do not understand and who are only making this harder on you. I have found that you are right, no one really does understand unless they have been there themselves. I definitely have experienced a mix of people, friends and family that help me remember, but then there are those who just cant seem to be there for me. I definitely feel my true friends really stood out after my loss.

Well, what I learned in therapy, is that you can not fix anyone else. But you can learn how to deal with situations. I think its important to try to educate people on how you feel, where your at, in hopes that they can become supportive. My mom visited me 5 days after my loss, for what was supposed to be my baby shower, and the first thing she told me was to stop crying. Seriously? We fought, or I fought, with her for months. My therapist helped me see her side, she was my mom, and she wanted to fix my heart but didnt know how. I finally wrote her a letter. Putting my emotions out there on paper for her to read really changed everything...to tell her I would be okay, but it wasnt going to be today, or tomorrow, infact I wasnt sure when, but I was working at it and was determined to be at peace with my loss, that she needed to give me that time and space, as hard as it was for her to see me hurt, I needed to be there and she needed to respect that.

It takes time, and people dont get that. People dont get that the heart of the pain actually never leaves. It heals, and becomes less sore, but it defines life.

I personally think, from the little I know you :), that you are so brave and so in touch with your emotions. Your blog is amazing. And, I think you are being true to yourself. Continue to do what feels right, you cant go wrong with that. You need to do that to be at peace and hopefully you can get your family/friends to understand that!


User avatar
l412angel
Registered User
Posts: 1746
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 02:46 pm
Location: Illinois
Contact:

Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Sat Feb 27, 2010 06:28 pm

Thank you so much! It helps to hear what you all have to say :)

User avatar
jennieexpo
Registered User
Posts: 117
Joined: Sun Jan 24, 2010 01:31 am
Location: Akron, Ohio
Contact:

Re : I need to vent

Postby jennieexpo » Sat Feb 27, 2010 01:26 pm

Hey Laura,
I'm so sorry your friend had to be so non-understanding. I heard somewhere that through sickness/loss of a loved one you find your true friends. Like many other ladies have said they've had friendships that had been since childhood crumble at the time of their loss. Its extremely sad, that people can just be so insensative. I wanted to tell you though as an out sider and being friends with you on facebook, I think your doing extremely well for what you've been through. I actually had my husband watch your video with me and he agreed that you seem to being really well dealing with your loss. I can't imagine how I'd be doing if I lost my boy. I seriously doubt I'd be doing as well as you are. I haven't noticed your facebook posts being all that sad really. I know you must be hurting deeply but it doesn't show all that much. I think you had said on your blog that it not easy for you to show how your feeling, and it seems to be true as much as I can tell. So I don't see how your friend thinks or would say that to you. Your in my prayers Laura and there is no dead line when it comes to grief, you'll always carry some with you your whole life. Take your time, only you know the best way to deal. I know I don't know what your going through but I just wanted to let you know I think your doing great! :)

love_the_daschies
Registered User
Posts: 863
Joined: Sun Apr 19, 2009 11:53 am

Re : I need to vent

Postby love_the_daschies » Sat Feb 27, 2010 00:40 am

I had someone say I was not handleing my grief well and I needed to seek help and all this other stuff 6 months after losing Vincent. I was also 12 weeks pregnant at the time. It was awful. It was all on a voicemail as well. I called back and told her she had no idea how much she destroyed our relationship and that I would never forgive her. I then blocked her number from contacting me. 4 months later - after she commented to my mom she went to therapy and had a rough time going on then - I hung out with her again. I made it very clear we could not talk about what happened because then I would be mad again. We are slowly trying to rebuild a friendship.

Basically, I am saying do what YOU need to do. You and your hubby are the only ones who matter in this situation.

Hugs and sorry for such a callous comment from your friend.

User avatar
l412angel
Registered User
Posts: 1746
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 02:46 pm
Location: Illinois
Contact:

Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:33 pm

Thanks everyone! Hearing from you all def helps me through :)))

rebecca2
Registered User
Posts: 639
Joined: Fri Mar 27, 2009 12:00 am

Re : I need to vent

Postby rebecca2 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:21 pm

Laura, my OB gave me the names of a few therapist in my area. I tried one and didn't care for her at all. (It didn't help that her receptionist was complaining about being pregnant with another boy while I was there.) After that I emailed the facilitator of the MISS support group in my area and asked for recommendations. Ironically she gave me the same names as my OB, but she had personal experience with one of the therapist. I found her to be a much better fit. Plus, she had experience helping people with loss & infertility, which I needed.

I would ask at your support group to see if anyone has recommendations. If they can't help, you might check out the missfoundation.org site to see if they have a local group in your area that can make recommendations. It is important to remember that finding a therapist is similar to finding an OB or MFM. You might have to interview a few before you find the right fit.


Return to “Grief and Loss”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests