I need to vent

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
angieb
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Re : I need to vent

Postby angieb » Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:07 pm

I'm almost about 6 months out I think, (yes, you eventually stop counting the weeks and months- or at least I did), so I am by no means an expert, but I have definitely said "oh yeah, I'm doing okay." and then turned around and not been okay very soon after I was convinced I was okay. Especially around the 3 month mark. That's normal. And I don't think if you have a bad day that you are back at square one, even if it feels like that first day of real grief when the numbness wears off, but just that we are all going to have good days and bad days in the next several months and years.

As far as what to say to your friend, it really depends how blunt you want to be, but I would probably say something like, "Thank you for being concerned, but unless you've experienced what I have, you have no idea what I'm going through, or what is normal, so please don't try to tell me what I should be doing. I know you only mean well, but it isn't helping."

As far as the baby shower, I'm proud of you for going, but don't force yourself to do things like that if you can't. Seriously. Take care of YOURSELF first, what you are going through trumps almost everything, be a little more "selfish" or I consider it "self-protective". My friend just had her baby girl in January (the month I was due) and her baby shower the weekend after Olivia's death. I really can't handle talking to her on the phone much or really talking to her at all. I can text her in small doses. There is so much going on in her life right now, with a newborn, that I just can't really bear to hear about. It's harder now that the baby is actually here than it was when she was pregnant, because the pregnancy I could relate to, at least, even as screwed up as our experience was. So...just keep in mind that it's not necessary to push yourself into those things for the sake of being a good friend- if they are truly your friend, they'll understand and not expect you to.

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rosemary
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Re : I need to vent

Postby rosemary » Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:00 pm

Laura, I have to echo the other ladies and tell you that it was incredibly kind of you to go to your friends shower...I can only imagine how hard it was for you to do that.

You know, you said it best...those who have not suffered the loss of a child can't possibly understand the true depth of the grief. Even if we suffer a similar loss, we can never completely understand how another person feels about their individual loss. I am incredibly sorry that your friend told you to move on. In my personal experience, I have found that most people have a very hard time dealing with those who have suffered a loss - especially when it comes to the loss of a child. With that said, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with hurtful comments.

Each of us has to find our own way on this tough journey. We each find healing and coping in very different ways. None is right, and none is wrong...it's all about what fits at the moment. Do what is right for you...and know that we are here to listen. I wish you peace....(((HUGS)))

sam10
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Re : I need to vent

Postby sam10 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 09:20 pm

Hi Laura,

When I was in the hospital, there were social workers who had lists of therapists and support groups. Also, I called my insurance and got a list of available therapists in my area. Not sure, if either is an option for you, as I don't know about your hospital nor your insurance situation.

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l412angel
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Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Fri Feb 26, 2010 09:07 pm

What you said totally makes sense and thank you so much :) I do want to see someone I just dont even know where to begin to look. I want someone good but dont know where to find someone.

rebecca2
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Re : I need to vent

Postby rebecca2 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 09:01 pm

Laura,

I'm so sorry your friend said those things to you. It made me furious just to read about it. Sadly, I think that is the way a lot of people think, which is why I've isolated myself from most of my so called friends. I find it so hard to believe that people can't realize that you don't just *move on* or *get over* your child's death, much less be back to your happy self in just 3 months!

My therapist told me something similar to what Julija's therapist said as far as time lines. I'll try to find some of the papers she gave me outlining the different stages of grief and timelines to send you. Seeing them written out made me realize that what I'm going through is *normal* for someone grieving the loss of a child. She also said that grieving is a very fluid process so you can be in one place one minute and *think you're ok*, but then something might trigger a memory and you will move back to day 1 in an instance.

I've also got some papers that I received from my support group that has information for friends and family. Basically it has a list of what NOT to say. It is been a while since I've looked at it, so I'm not sure how much is appropriate at your stage of grief, but it might be helpful anyway.

As for your mom, I just wanted to share with you something that the pastor said at my daughter's funeral that might help you understand what your mom's going through right now. (My daughter was buried with other babies, so there were lots of mom's & grandparent's there.) This particular pastor had a child that was born still about 30 years ago, so he reflected on the fact that he had been in our seats and understood the pain of loosing a baby. He then went on to speak about how the grandparent's were not only grieving the loss of a grandchild, but they were watching their own child go through such incredible pain and couldn't make it better. It wasn't until then that I realized what my parent's were going through as well. I'm not saying that I think your mom is right to tell you she knows what you're going through, just that I'm sure it is hurts her to see you in so much pain.

Have you considered speaking with a therapist? I was reluctant to at first, but after a few months I decided to try it and it has really helped. It hasn't taken away the pain, but it is helped to know that my feelings are normal. I'm not crazy, I'm just grieving. She is also helped me come up with a *tool box* of ideas for dealing with things.

If I find those papers I was talking about I'll try to scan and email them to you. They aren't a magic pill that will fix things, but like I said above, sometimes it is nice to know you ARE grieving appropriately despite what others tell you.

sam10
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Re : I need to vent

Postby sam10 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 08:31 pm

It must have been so hard to go to your friend's shower and then on top of that to be told to move on. I am glad though that you are doing really well, since 3 months is not very long.

One of my friends was very open with me. She told me my situation is so painful for everybody around that she would give anything to make it go away real fast. I was very thankful for her honesty. Most people would not dare to tell me that.

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l412angel
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Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Fri Feb 26, 2010 08:18 pm

Thank you Brandi! I know your scared and preggo I read your posts all the time. Just know that ANYTIME you feel uneasy just call in or head to L&D. Thats what eases my mind when I think about being pregnant again!

Julija- Cara's funeral was kept very private as well. Tv helps :) I feel like I am doing REALLY well for being 3 months out, so It just took me by suprise when my friend said that! I even attended her baby shower!! Im so sorry about your little Henry :( Life can be so cruel!

sam10
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Re : I need to vent

Postby sam10 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 08:04 pm

Hi Laura,

I know so very well how you are feeling. When I was 23 my father died very unexpectedly and suddenly and I know from that time that many people's reactions are just off. They don't understand and cannot comprehend and say stupid things rather than saying anything at all. They are scared of the intensity of the emotions that hit them. Often I either ended up being really annoyed and hurt, or I found myself consoling my friends, when they should have been there for me.

When my little Henry died, I already saw this coming and this time around, I am not letting people bother me with their remarks. If they make inappropriate comments, I am straightforward with them and let them know that they have no idea how it feels to lose a child. This was also the reason why me and my husband were the only ones attending Henry's funeral. That way we did not need to console anybody else, nor talk to anybody, nor listen to any unwanted advice. We were able to take our time and say good-bye. Many people were offended by our choice, but honestly, I stopped always just caring about other people first.

I also started therapy to help me cope with Henry's loss. My therapist told me that the grieving process takes at least 6 months,but usually much longer. So, when people say something like your friend did, I tell them what my therapist said. That usually helps. If all else fails, I simply say: "If the shoe fits." That helps too.

Losing a child is one of the most traumatic things one can possibly experience. Take all the time you need to grieve. Do those things that you find helpful, whatever it is. You know what works for you.
I also limit the amount I spend on the internet, because it does make me feel worse sometimes. It helps me to take walks, to read, or watch mindless TV.



brandi101
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Re : I need to vent

Postby brandi101 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:47 pm

havent known each other for a year now im sorry it took me three posts to do this im on a cell phone and can only put so much at a time anytime u need to talk u can email me i know what ur going through

brandi101
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Re : I need to vent

Postby brandi101 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 07:45 pm

and so depressed i go to counsling but it hurts to even hear someone say well kayleigh is dead move one we all grieve differently and in our own time i would tell ur friend this my bf for 8 years hasnt been there for me as much as my new bf has and we


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