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I need to vent

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Re : I need to vent

Postby m » Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:29 pm

I would say that if you're able to attend a baby shower you're doing great. It's been a year for me and I still don't know when or if I'll ever be going to a baby shower again. This soon after your loss, it would be abnormal if you weren't still feeling sad.

I have had some similar suggestions from people who I know truly care and would never try to hurt me. They simply do not and cannot understand. Some people get that and they realize that they don't understand what we're going through and they are the best kind of friends to be around during this time. Others think they understand and think they know what's best for you. I have had to choose to distance myself from some people for this reason. It won't be permanent, but comments like that are the last thing a person needs to deal with after the death of their child.

It's tough to know how to respond to people like this. In two situations I typed up really long, really angry email responses to a few people who were pushing me to do things I wasn't ready for or didn't need. Then I waited a few days and made the emails shorter and nicer and waited a few more days and changed them some more. I ended up sending out just a few very short comments to one person and not replying at all to the other. I think they both got the point and we still have good relationships. If this friend would be receptive to it, you might refer her to a good grief web site (there are a lot out there) that has a page of suggestions for how to help a friend through grief. This one has a good page of do's and don'ts:
[url]http://www.firstcandle.org/grieving-families/friends-relatives/[/url]
Unless you're feeling totally out of control, I think that most people know what's best for themsleves in dealing with a loss. It may not make sense to other people, but you just have to do what you know will work for you.
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Re : I need to vent

Postby wrennie » Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:32 pm

btw, when I looked for a therapist I was overwhelmed. I met a few as meet and greets. It took ENERGY, and was exhausting, but I really told the ones I met that I was looking for someone who was experienced with helping people going thru pregnancy loss. One of the therapist I called recommended the one I ended up going to, who was a womans therapist only. If you start looking, just dont stop at the first one if it doesnt feel right. It should feel right, that they click and get what you are saying and vice versa.

sorry im a little long winded tonight!
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Re : I need to vent

Postby naomihope427 » Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:29 am

Laura,

I am so very sorry your best friend made those comments to you. I was stunned yet, I've heard those comments to me almost on a daily basis. And I choose to distance myself or not talk to them. BUT being this is your best friend, I read what others wrote, and I think they had some really good ideas. I know, whenever I hurt I sometimes text and tell my best friend, I feel as if she may be "annoyed" with it in a way but doesn't say or show it. She always responds as "you're a beautiful mom with so much love & I just wish there was more I can do to help". I remember shortly after losing Naomi, my best friends parents (were both 22, both same birthdays) and they paid for a hotel for her & I for 2 nights to just "be away" . It was hard, emotional, but I thought it was very sweet of them. I also have been told actually just recently by my best friends mom that my facebook posts were depressing and depressing to others and that not many people wanna read that. I took offense to that. I also have been told by others about my facebook posts and things like that, then I thought maybe I shouldn't b posting my heart on facebook, yet I needed that "support" in a way. It HURTS and people don't understand, only those who have been or are going through it. I remember 2 or 3 days after Naomi's funeral, my uncle came down for it from PA, and said "im not going to lie to you, you're going to have a long road ahead of you, it aint easy". I "liked" that in a way. He wasn't sugar coating it and he was honest and he also told me ill be told some horrible things, and I remember asking him what do I say when people ask me how are you ? He said you tel them "no im not okay" he said you don't have to hide your feelings. He has been through it and lives with it daily, its been 20 years since he lost his 9 year old son. I remmeber my brother & sister saying oh look at uncle so & so he lost his 9 year old, it could be worse Jill. I don't wanna hear that. Yes that's horrible but I lost my daughter, I feel as if people think "its just a baby". No it goes WAY beyong that as we know. Anyways sorry for rambling. I also wanna say you were so brave to go to your best friends baby shower. I know I couldn't have. I read your blogs all the time, you are amazing & always in my thoughts Laua!
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Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:39 am

Thanks so much Jill! Its just hard I dont think anyone could ever understand t he pain we go through, unless they have shared in that pain :(
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Re : I need to vent

Postby jamilyn » Mon Mar 01, 2010 12:18 am

I lost my son just a few days before you and I will say that it is way too soon still. I have had a few people say things like I need to just get past it and move on. My 1st son passed away 8 years ago and there are still days that I feel like day 1 in my grieving process for him but then the next I'll do much better. The hurt never goes away we just learn how to handle it and 3 months is def still very early in the grieving process. I couldn't bring myself to go to my girlfriends baby shower a couple weekends ago, she was a couple months behind me in gestation and we announced we were pregnant on the same day. My due date was just last week so being around pregnant women is just too hard. No person can tell you how to grieve or what is the right way to do it there really isnt a right way (everyone is different and handles grief totally different) and DEF not a wrong way. Support groups like this are def helpful, it helps to hear other moms stories and know you arent alone.
I'm so sorry you are having to go thru all of this, I wish this was soemthing none of us had to experience.
{HUGS}
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Re : I need to vent

Postby brianned5 » Mon Mar 01, 2010 12:22 am

I think someone stating your posts on facebook are depressing to them is just selfish to the core. They must not realize that isn't even a fraction of what you have to endure on a daily basis. It's been 19 months since I lost my daughter, I'll grieve for her the rest of my life. People who can't accept that have a very limited place in my life. I'm very sorry for what you're going through.
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Re : I need to vent

Postby mellybute » Sun Mar 07, 2010 07:41 pm

Laura, I cannot find the words to really say right now, but I just wanted to tell you that I think you're doing great and handling things more than anyone could ask of you. I have not walked in your shoes and would never even begin to understand your pain. But what I do know is that people in this world can be very insensitive.

Sometimes (often times) I ask myself "am I just too sensitive for this world?" Maybe I am. I have also learned that sometimes best friend or not, known for so many years or whatever, that friendships change. And sometimes we have to let them go.

Sometimes I look around and evaluate certain relationships and ask the question, is this healthy for me? is this person's negativity something I should be around? and if the answer is no, I let it go...and no, it's not easy, but I usually breath a sigh of relief that I took a stand for myself.

The facebook comment is total BS and to me is ridiculous. Really? Seriously? are you kidding me?

I also want to add that you're doing an AMAZING job on your blog and I know I told you on your FB, but I LOVED the video you made of Cara. Yes, it's sad, of course it's sad. But it is amazingly beautiful and a wonderful tribute to your little girl.

I am rambling but I think you're doing the BEST you can and that's all you should be doing now and years from now...
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Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Sun Mar 07, 2010 07:53 pm

Thank you it means alot. I cant expect anyone to know what im going through. I just need people to be there for me not opinions. I did not make that video. Every life has a story made it for me :) They are on my blog, but thank you :)
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Re : I need to vent

Postby webster007 » Fri Mar 12, 2010 05:41 am

Hi there
I totally understand how you feel. I have been through a similar situation. I lost my baby 6 weeks ago to severe PE at 25 weeks. It is such an awful thing to go through. Its hard to be happy with the world after such an event. People just dont seem to understand the grief that you go through. Its the worst feeling. I feel completly empty at the moment and the only things I seem to think about is the baby I lost and the goal to have a successful pregnancy next time. I completely understand the grief that you have felt.
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Re : I need to vent

Postby l412angel » Fri Mar 12, 2010 05:43 pm

So sorry you had to experience the loss of a child as well :( Its something I wish apon no one and no one should judge us. Everyone handles things differently!
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