by jsu_work (730 Posts), Mon Mar 01, 2010 03:32 am
"Crazy for loving you"
Happy Belated Birthday.
I went to the ocean again to get "some" answers. As I predicted the answer for all of lifes unfairness from the ocean was roar, splish, Splash, Crash.. Over and over again in different sequences.
I've been listening to Patsy Cline recently and walking the beach. On your birthday I even put your name into the sand, played another version of somewhere over the rainbow, and cried a little. the hole in my life is still there without your physical presents, but I try to bring as much love into the world for you.
Sometimes my ideas are not as linear as I like. For your birthday I found a book by Penelope. It was all about belief in the person and all of that jazz. I found someone who could use it but the timing was off and or she had free will and said "No I don't want this." I took back that book and when I find it again, I'll place in your box until I know what to do with it. I'm trusting your guidance on that one little spirit. If you notice someone in need, you remind me and that book is as good as theirs.
My aunt that I visit whenever I need a quiet point has a little scare. The doctors are telling her to get an MRI for an unknown reason. She's has had cancer once and she isn't ready and worried about getting that done. I think the doctors realize how stubborn she is and that its a routine MRI but I'm doing what I can to get her to the doctor. and relax myself over it.
And as strange as this sounds I want to emphasize that I'm not crying as much. I see some hope through those murky clouds of memories. Sure there is that one song or those memories that catch me off gaurd. There are also those smiles.
I absolutely love the story where you kicked pounce across the room. I love the fact that I saw you blinking on one of the sonograms. I love the idea of giving you a sister or brother. On the two week visit for your birthday I just want you to know that although I only have letters and pictures and memories of you. I remember you.
You'll have a gravestone in the spring time.
I know there are other little ones who got the same rap as you. I hope your spirit lives on up there. I hope one day, we can share a spiritual meet up as it were. But until then I'm on this side of life for what I'm hoping is a lot longer dreaming up all the ways you would tell me No, nada, niet, non, nien....
amote y feliz compleanos.