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Mommy is missing you

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Mommy is missing you

Postby naomihope427 » Tue Mar 23, 2010 03:11 am

by naomihope427 (247 Posts), Tue Mar 23, 2010 03:11 am

I just all of a sudden while laying in bed & I can't sleep, just started bursting out crying, calling my daughters name over & over again and telling her I love her so much and miss her. Just wishing this horrible nightmare would come to an END. My heart is aching so badly for my little girl, why isn't she here? Why aren't our babies here with us? My arms ache, for HER. Not for any other baby, but for my sweet precious Naomi. Just last night I started remembering and going into detail in my head the morning that I had to have her, I wrote it all out eventually I will put on a blog. Then I just cried some more. This pain just doesn't end. I will never see my beautiful girl again, I feel as if im not living my life, is this really MY life? Did this really happen to me? I remember writing in my pregnancy journal that I was sooo excited to meet her and I wanted the days to hurry on by, I didn't mean to happen so soon and like that. I miss holding her and pushing back on her little yellow hat, I miss changing her diaper, I miss bringing in family & friends to see her as such a proud mama. I even bought 2 pins in hospital I wore every day, proud mommy and its a girl pin and I wrote her name on it. Even though she was in the NICU I walked around with such high hopes and that I was now a mother. And being that her 1st birthday is a month away, its tearing me apart, I keep looking at the dates, has it really been a year? Oh Naomi, how I wish I can say your name 1000 times to have you come back safely back in mommys arms. Oh NAOMI. OH MY SWEET NAOMI. I miss you So so so much. More than words can explain.
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Re : Mommy is missing you

Postby brianned5 » Tue Mar 23, 2010 07:38 am

by brianned5 (567 Posts), Tue Mar 23, 2010 07:38 am

I'm so sorry this happened. It's been 20 months today since Kylie died. It seems like yesterday we lost her, but many years since we saw her. I still go over and over everything. I still cry every day. I still go to the cemetery every day. My heart is still broken and always will be. That said, there is also happiness. My happiness always has underlying sadness, the feeling that my family will never be whole, but I never imagined I'd be where I'm at today.
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Re : Mommy is missing you

Postby naomihope427 » Tue Mar 23, 2010 05:38 pm

by naomihope427 (247 Posts), Tue Mar 23, 2010 05:38 pm

The pain, it just doesn't seem to go away. I don't know why well maybe because Naomi's birthday is coming up that I am just going over and over again in my head from when I was admitted tothen having her 3 days later, and the people I met in hospital, and nurses, and going to see Naomi, changing her, just everything. The pain is physical the ache in my chest I feel it it hurts so badly. Leeann I am a rambler too, it helps sometimes =). Khols is a neat place, when I was younger my grandma up in Pennsylvania always took me to pick out something, they have cute clothes & lots of nice nick nacks and things like that. She just left here FL back to PA this morning, I took her to khols the other day, she loves that store. They just started branching out in FL. But this last week I haven't done anthing, besides be bedridden, hense my depression. I did just come back from an appoinment my mom took me too, with a woman named Hope at the Hope center. That was the first time in 5 days I've been out of my parents house, I just hate seeing the light for some reason, I like "feel comfortable" in my bed, not good I know, im working on that to get more help. People ask oh why am I depressed..id makes me so mad..hmm I WONDER WHY. WHAT COULD I BE SO DOWN ABOUT? Hmm maybe just maybe I say the loss of my daughter? They act as if I should be done and "over it' already. No, you can get "over" spilled milk, not the death of a child or infant. Never.

I wish you the best in trying again Leann, I am scared too to go through everything again. And because I am so depressed I can't even think straight with my situation.
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Re : Mommy is missing you

Postby naomihope427 » Thu Mar 25, 2010 00:44 am

by naomihope427 (247 Posts), Thu Mar 25, 2010 00:44 am

Yes, earlier today, I was sitting outside in my backyard with my dog playing ball, I was crying the whole time, somehow my dog knows or can sense my pain, I just tried to feel the wind, the breeze, the birds, I couldn't. I stared off into the sky, just thinking this can't be MY LIFE this can't be. I remember all too well almost a year ago and some when I was pregnant too how eventually excited I got that I decided to have Naomi. I just kept thinking I cannot believe she is gone, I can't believe it. I called her name a few times and also hoping a sign would come up that she's around, but nothing. Then I just had to walk inside go back to m bed & cry. I want Naomi, my thoughts are distorted. I don't want this baby, at least not right now. Im very depressed & I just don't know what to do. I am almost 10 weeks, still have a long way to go. I just can't believe I let this happen, with that jerk! My ex husband. Its not good. My blood pressure I haven't checked but my mom here has one, she's a nurse, I could check. I haven't been back to doctor yet, was supposed to on the 22nd for my checkup, long story with that. I can barely eat, one im depressed, and 2 I just feel so sick al the time . I know I need to take care of myself for this baby. Im thinking more so on placing my baby for adoption. Im not 100% sure yet, my mom told me not to make a decision until I am better in my depression. It hurts all over, im not with the father he's a complete jerk, id be all alone, and I have absolutely nothing. Yet its just like another "loss" in a way. Its a huge yet courageous thing to do I've been told, I have 1000 emotions running everywhere. Sorry for the long rant here.
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Re : Mommy is missing you

Postby mnmom » Thu Mar 25, 2010 08:07 am

by mnmom (1419 Posts), Thu Mar 25, 2010 08:07 am

Jill sweetie, I am going out on a limb here, but I am so worried about you. If you go to the ER and are very honest about your depression, they should hospitalize you, just until they can stabilize your emotional state. Sweetie, you don't have to feel this way. You have been through more in your short, little life than many of us have been in double that time. Once your depression is treated, there are programs out there to help you get your life on the track you want. You have your whole life ahead of you and you can become anything you want! You are an amazing, strong young woman. You really are. Your honest and supportive posts here have helped many women. You need to get yourself healthy now. Adoption is a beautiful thing. My husband and his siblings were all adopted and we will be looking into doing foster care in the next year. Parenthood is also an amazing thing. But you need to get yourself into a better place before making those decisions. I'm worried about you!
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