I hate when it hits this hard...

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I hate when it hits this hard...

Postby mom2miracles » Wed Apr 28, 2010 08:17 pm

May is TERRIBLE. I'm already dreading it and have been all of April. Seems like I handled it better last year. I hate that I hate it because Ethan's birthday is in there too. But there are just so many terrible dates...May 5 (sick, rushed to the ER), May 10 (Ella's birthday), May 31 (Ella's angelversary).

Then you have the fact that my husband left when my son was 2 weeks old in May 2008. Then I found out in May of last year that his girlfriend was pregnant. And now there's a chance the divorce will be final this May.

I'm finally dating someone awesome and Ethan is doing great. I have a ton to be thankful for but just not handling anything well. Don't know how to date and have a child and deal with all the boundary issues. I keep reliving the night Ella died and wondering how her dad could be so disrespectful of her and our family. I remember every second...how she looked...the smells...it makes me nauseous. I can't believe it was three years ago...that I should have a three yr old running around. I want to put her pink Gap sweatshirt on her and run my fingers through her curly hair. I want the only person who knows the same pain and who knew her like I did to be friendly and just a little considerate of my feelings. I want to be able to share her without people feeling awkward and not knowing what to say. Mostly I want May to be over...
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Re : I hate when it hits this hard...

Postby sam10 » Wed Apr 28, 2010 08:57 pm

This is truly a lot for one month! It's no wonder you are dreading the month of May. I hope that you can find ways to cope and lessen the pain during this hard time.

We tend to think that it might get easier each year, but I believe that it is unpredictable and some years it will be more difficult than others.

I will be thinking of you and all of your children. Sending a big hug your way.
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Re : I hate when it hits this hard...

Postby brianned5 » Thu Apr 29, 2010 07:23 am

It's totally understandable that you dread the month of May. I'll be thinking of you and your little ones.
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Re : I hate when it hits this hard...

Postby annes » Fri Apr 30, 2010 08:06 am

((Nikki)), I know you know this, but you, Ella and Ethan have been an inspiration to a lot of us. You are such a strong lady, I admire you so much. I wish that your ex was a stronger guy, and that you caould at least share your memories together. Take it one day at a time, one hour if you have to, we'll all be here if you need us.
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Re : I hate when it hits this hard...

Postby rosemary » Fri Apr 30, 2010 08:42 pm

Nikki...I have to second what Anne said...you are certainly an inspiration. Your strength has always amazed me. Ella and Ethan are blessed to have your for their Momma. I too wish that your ex could be more considerate of your feelings. I'm happy to read that you have found someone special - you sure deserve that. Please know that my thoughts are with you...Take care!!
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Re : I hate when it hits this hard...

Postby joker » Tue May 04, 2010 12:33 am

Hugs to you Nikki. Life certainly dealt you more than your fair share...but like the others have said, you are a huge inspiration to me. I've kept up with you and Ethan here and on your carepage and I think you have more strength than anyone I know or have ever met. I hope the month passes quickly for you and that you find some peace.
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