The Build-up

[shierman]

So, I haven't been able to figure out why I'm so moody lately and then it REALLY hits me yesterday that Gabriel's angelversary is on Wednesday. I knew it was this week and I knew I would be upset about it, but somehow I didn't make the association between that and my moodiness.

Now I've officially passed from moody to downright depressed. Keith is working out of town for the next 8 months and we will not be together for it, although we are planning to do something this weekend. Still, I'm here feeling sad and at the same time wanting to scream at everyone who has forgotten. It's only been two years- why don't people remember? Is it because we had another baby?

I feel bad for my MIL, since she will likely feel the brunt of this. I don't know why she feels like she can come home from spending 5 months in Florida and be given automatic baby-sitting priviledges. And especially be trying to force the issue the one week I am most likely to be unwilling to talk about it.

I know I'm overreacting (although there's more to that story that would indicate I'm not), but I don't see why I have to bend over backwards to accommodate people when right now I just want them to leave me alone!!! And why do I feel this incessant need to suck other people into my sadness? You can bet I'll be making a stink about it on Facebook this week, but why do I need to do that?!

There's much I don't understand about my grief, but I do know that this week I just want to succomb to it. Is that normal?

[annes]

I see it differently than you do, I think you are not sucking people inot your sadness, you are reaching out and saying, I feel bad and I need help and support. Many people do think that once you have another child the lost child never needs to be mentioned again and life goes on. Well life goes on, you cannot stop it, but one child does not replace another and the grief still lingers. Take it easy in yourself, and vent away!

[jamilyn]

I am so sorry you are having to experience this. It is such a horrible thing to have to go thru. So many people forget, Ive had people who think I should be over my sons death that was just 6 months ago. I hve been told since I lost a son 8 years ago that this time it just just pass like nothing happened since Ive already lost a baby before. couldnt be further from the truth but no one will ever understand what you are going thru and how you feel. If you dont want certain people around then you should def speak up and tell them to please give you space and when you want company you will let them know.
No one can tell you how to grieve and everyone has to learn on there own what grieving process works best for them.
Best of luck to you this week and take care of yourself and do whats best for you.
{HUGS}

[kbunsey]

I agree with Anne!

I just posted on Facebook (a little tardy - oopsy) that "May is PE Awareness Month" and I'm getting ready to send out the little cards and info about where Fiona is buried. Finally. It only took me a year to decide what to do with her cremains and get her a plot at the cemetery. A couple months to get the cards made. And another year just to get my thoughts together about what to say. Perhaps by june 20 I'll get the cards printed and mailed. And maybe somebody will think I'm dragging things out or making them uncomfortable - but really - this is just my process. It is how I work through it. And people who care will understand and if they can't understand, maybe they can at least be grateful they don't walk in these shoes.

Take care of yourself.