by kbunsey (895 Posts), Sat May 29, 2010 00:23 am
I don't know whether to shout, "OMG!!!" or to let out a big sigh.... I'm with you here and can only say that going over the "what ifs" and the "Perhaps" and "Maybes" doesn't get me anywhere except ugly and upset. I still find myself doing it - and it is hard to get out of. I feel like I need somebody to shake me - or hug me real hard when my head's going on like that to help em stop spinning round and round.
I had 2 different law firms look into my history and case, filed a complaint w/ the ombudsman (sp?) of one of the hospitals, sent letters, talked to EVERYONE, etc, etc...and basically everybody said, "We don't know if anybody else could have done any better" and "everybody did the best they could" and "everybody thought you were low risk - you're an otherwise healthy young woman" and "no case - no negligence." And I have to include myself in the "did the best they could" - b/c sometimes my monkey mind tries to point the finger at me - somebody has to take the blame, right. That's a distortion of the trauma.
I have to tend to agree w/ Caryn. It doesn't make it any easier or any less upsetting or any better. It is just another part of this life after PE that Just Is.
I never returned to the OB or midwife from my first pregnancy. I couldn't go back to see them. I was so angry. So sad. So hurt. So confused and at the time I might have spit, punched, thrown, done something completely irate if I did see them. I paid out of pocket (out of network) for some follow-ups and OB care the year FB died until I was able to get referred to my beloved MFM at a high risk hospital that did take my insurance. My beloved MFM from Kyle's pregnancy looked over my history thoroughly during my preconception consultations and always told me that FB had a bad placenta - it was the placenta all along causing the problems. Kyle had a good placenta. She showed it to me at his delivery! It totally helped me to never see the first OB and midwife again!
I know it is hard. It is so hard. Every time something comes up and I feel myself reaching back, gripping, grabbing at something - some part of it - maybe this time I'll be able to change it - fix it - make it better - but no. I can't. No matter how hard I try to to rearrange every part of it. I can' change it now. And then I have to start back on the process of acceptance.
Oh and I too hate the medical terminology. My records say, IUFD, Intra Uterine Fetal Demise. I hate that! The other one was my PCP who said, "You lost the pregnancy." I swiftly corrected her, "I didn't lose anything. The baby died." Maybe I was harsh. I donno...It is constant work.
Be good to yourself.