help..newly bereaved

[jade.s]

Hi my name is Jade and I recently lost my fist child who was born a day before 25 weeks. My son Jackson was born prematurely as I had severe preeclampsia, which I was totally unaware of. I was having regular obstetric check ups and all was fine and at 24weeks I started to retain fuid around my fingers and feet. My friends suggested I go in for an additional check up and when I did my blood pressure was 169 over 107. I was then rushed to hospital and spent 5 days avoiding delivery-having steroid injections, taking blood pressure medications and a magnesium infusion until my situation worsened (liver and kidney damage, blood started clotting) and I was forced to deliver my son. After delivery I spent 2 and a half days in intensive care and did not get to see my son until returning to the ward. From then on my husband and I spent every waking moment visiting our son in the NICU. Jackson spent 5 weeks in the NICU and was doing very well. We celebrated as he put on a lot of weight and avoided infection. We were all very hopeful, even his Doctor and Nurses. Tragically he lost his fight as he developed chronic lung disease and was unable to breathe on his own without the highest form of ventilation. Sadly my husband and I had to make the most difficult and heart wrenching decision of our lives, to remove life support as we were told our beautiful son would not survive and we did not want him to endure further suffering. I would really like to hear how other mother's are coping and what they did to work through their grief as I feel completely lost, heart broken and devastated that I no longer have my beautiful miracle son in my life. I am avoidant of many of my friends as they all have young babies and children and many of them are offering me advice which is quite hurtful and upsetting.

[m]

I am so sorry for your loss. Grieving is a very individual thing and it's important that you do what feels right for you. I think it's common to receive advice from others which ends up being very hurtful, even though they are trying to be helpful. People who haven't experienced a loss simply cannot begin to understand what you're going through. I had to distance myself from some people who were like that. I also found it very difficult to be around people with babies and young children and had to avoid family functions for quite a while. Don't let others push you into doing things you're not comfortable with. On the other hand, it's also important to be open to helpful things that people may offer. This forum is a great place to get support from others who have had similar experiences and I have spent a lot of time here. I also find it helpful to follow the blogs that some of the forum members have.

The bottom line is, it takes time but you will make it through and it does get easier.

[brandi101]

i found it hard to be around pregnant women and very small babies i went to counseling to help but mostly i have grieved my own way and in my own time there is no wrong way to grieve as long as it is the way you feel you should be grieving i am so sorry for your loss and we are here for you just to rant and rave to ask for advice and just to let it out you will know what is right for you and only you can know what is right for you take your time and do not do anything that make you uneasy and dont worry about hurting someones feelings if you say no to something we have all done it and now is the time you need to say no if you are uneasy or just dont feel like doing it

[annes]

I am so sorry about the loss of your precious Jackson. I hope you can find some comfort and advice here on this forum from people who have been through what you have been through.

[pixie323]

Jade, I'm so so sorry for the loss of your little boy Jackson. Your story sound so much like mine. Sahara was my first child. I developed PE at 24wks 5 day and was totally unaware. I thought I just had gastro. Anyway, she was born the day I was diagnosed via a classical c-section and was place in the NICU. Sadly, I didn't get as long as you did with Jackson. She survived 10 day. But by the 10th day I thought we were going to get through it and I was really positive. That was until the doctors spoke to me and told me she had chronic lung disease and wouldn't survive. She was on the highest vent settings and no improving. Anyway, I still remember the moment we decided to take her off the vent. It still brings me to tears and it has been 4 years for me. However, I believe I made the right decision. Though I still miss her dearly.

I think after you've had a loss, the hardest time is learning to cope with it and facing everyone else who has perfect pregnancies and families. I remember it being a really dark period for me and it wasn't until my son turned 1 that I was able to relax and smile again (he was a prem with heaps of issues). All I can say is be kind to yourself. Remember your son, I did a lot of digital scrapbooking of my daughters life/pregnancy and spoke to a lot of other people who had had a loss. I also did whatever I could to acknowledge that she did exist and I was a mother.

P.S. Are you from Australia?? Just wonder, as I noticed it says AS... and usually it says USA or US.

[wrennie]

oh jade, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. Its a sad and life changing experience. I lost my first daughter in 2007. I remember feeling numb, empty, mad, out of control. It took a lot of effort to pick up the pieces, to mend our hearts, and it took a lot of time too. I did nothing for the first month and a half. All I could do was make it through a day. Slowly I was needing more, and found a therapist. It took more effort than I wanted to find someone who I was comfortable with, but that effort payed off. She helped me travel through my darkest times, when no one else knew what to say or do. Eventually I came to realize that I could love my daughter just as much, even though she wasnt physically here. I had to develop that relationship in my heart, and it really helped.

take it easy on yourself, losing a child is so painful and so hard to understand. Lean on whomever you can as much as possible, and take it minute by minute. You can get to a better, more peaceful place, but it will take time, patience, and a whole lot of support. hugs to you!

[brianned5]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son. My first child, Kylie, was born at 25w2d, due to severe PE/HELLP. She lived 10 days before both her lungs collapsed and the doctor told us further intervention would cause her to suffer and she would still die. We made the decision to remove the ventilator. The 13th of this month is her birthday, and the 23rd is the anniversary of her death. It's been 2 years and I still cry for her every day. I cope by visiting the cemetery, talking about her every day, and doing things in her memory, making sure she is remembered.