6 months and I feel worse (long)

[jaimern]

I have been lurking for some time now. I delivered my precious baby girl, Brianna Faith on March 6, 2010 at 23 weeks 3 days. She lived for an hour and a half, before leaving this world. I developed sudden onset of severe preeclampsia at 22 weeks 6 days. My SIL starting developing it around 30 weeks and delivered my nephew at 36 weeks on March 3, 2010. Being paranoid to begin with, I decided to take my BP. I had no BP problem until then. It was 150/90. I felt fine, with a little bit of lower leg edema. I relaxed for an hour and retook it. It was the same. I decided to go to the ER just to get it checked out. I actually told my DH that I will be back shortly. I got right in to the ER and my BP by then was 180/90. They wanted to watch me, so sent me to the Childbirth Center. As I was being wheeled there, my SIL was being wheeled out from her C-section. They sent off a urine sample and it came back at 3+ protein. The next day, I was transferred to another hospital with a level 3 NICU. My BPs did go down, even to 120/60. I was started on Mag. An ultrasound showed some growth issues, and decided to find out the gender (we wanted to be surprised) just in case something happened we could name her. When we found out it was a girl, we were thrilled (we already have a 4 yr old miracle boy). Over the course of three days, my protein kept shooting up, my BPs holding at 150-160. By 3/6, I was becoming delarious, and was barely producing any urine. I became swollen everywhere. We had no choice but to deliver, as I was getting sicker by the minute. At 6:28pm I delivered Brianna. We got to hold her until she passed. I remember a little as a day and a half is very fuzzy in my mind. I was feeling ok until the due date (I was on zoloft and clonopin). It seems since then, I have been more depressed. I have actually switched meds and those don't seem to be helping either. I have been in therapy too. I do not know what to do and my DH handles it so differently. If you got through reading this, any suggestions?

Thank you,
Jaime
Mommy to a 4 year old miracle boy (he had a heart transplant in 2007), perfect full term pregnancy with no problems
Mommy to an angel, Brianna, born at 23 weeks on March 6,2010

[kerisue]

Jaime, I'm so so sorry about Brianna, your beautiful daughter. My daughter passed away a couple months ago and I am finding it very difficult too, especially as I approach her due date. I have not reached "acceptance" yet. One thing that's helped me more than therapy is a local grief group of other parents who have lost babies (it's a pregnancy and infant loss group). I also let myself cry whenever I need to (except at work). I got a bracelet with Millie's name to keep her present with me at all times. Are you artistic at all? Incorporating Brianna into your art or crafts somehow could help. I hope that even though your DH handles it differently he is accepting of your grief process.

[jaimern]

Thank you. I am sorry for your loss.

We have gone to a therapy group, but unfortunately we were the only ones there. Maybe I will try to look again. I live in a small town, and even in our bigger cities there is not much. I try to keep busy, it does not make it go away, but helps. My son also needs me, so that helps too. A friend sent me a charm with Brianna's name that I wear on my necklace. I just do not know why it is harder now.

Thank you,
Jaime
Mommy to a 4 year old miracle boy (he had a heart transplant in 2007), perfect full term pregnancy with no problems
Mommy to an angel, Brianna, born at 23 weeks on March 6,2010

[rosemary]

Jaime, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Brianna. Grief is a hard road...and sometime we think that we are through the worst of it, and then it hits you hard again. Feelings that we thought we had under control, can be brought up without warning, really catching you off-guard. I know that my due date was just terrible, the emotions and pain came back like a tidalwave.

I can tell you the one thing that helped me (and still does)...the wonderful women on this site. I found incredible support and understanding. Sometimes it just helps to vent...

Jaime, please be gentle and patient with yourself...sorry that you had to find us under such sad circumstances, but glad that you're here. Take care...

[holly3372@msn.com]

Jamie,I lost my son 1 month ago today.His due date was July 30th but he was born april 28th at 26 weeks but weighed ony 1 lb 6oz. He lived almost 4 months.It seems to be getting harder for me as well as time starts to pass.From what I hear and read it's normal.I'm trying to keep busy and also find a local support group.I cry alot on and off.I write on this forum and call family and friends when I need.Something that seems to really help lately is I have been bike riding daily,I think any exercise during this time is so good for you emotionally,physically and spiritually.No matter what it doesn't go away for long,but then how can it?These are our babies,we will forever be changed.One day at a time.I am thinking of you and your little girl.xoxo

[m]

Hi Jaime,
I am so sorry for your loss. Reaching your baby's due date is a very difficult milestone. I think it's important to cry whenever you feel like you need to. There are a lot of good books on grief that can help you understand what you are going through and also how men tend to grieve differently than women. On some of my very worst days I cleaned and decluttered my house with a vengeance. I agree that exercise can be very good for you emotionally. I completed a big landscaping project the summer after I lost my baby. I think it helps to stay busy. I have found it very helpful to stay active on this web site and also to follow the blogs of some other women who have lost babies. I wish I had something very insightful and helpful to pass on, but grieving is such an individual experience; you just have to do what is right for you.

[wrennie]

Jaime, i am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. I have to agree with Rosemary, one of the best things that happened to me after my loss was finding this site. Its a great place to come and chat with other mothers that know exactly where you are coming from. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me during my initial grieving. Now I come back often to offer support to others because I know how much it meant to me back when I was in a lonely place and I want to keep the love going. Sending you hugs...

[brianned5]

I'm so sorry for your loss!