"So how many kids do you have?"

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

"So how many kids do you have?"

Postby riehlism » Mon Oct 04, 2010 08:55 pm

I dislike this question a lot. This questions and, "Do you have kids?"

How do we answer that? I would feel awful if I said, "no" because it's not true, and I would feel like I'm denying that my son ever existed.

I've gotten into the habit of saying "I/We did" just to answer the question truthfully, and to hopefully make people uncomfortable enough to steer clear of that subject. So far, it works.
But I still hate being asked that question.

Even if Frank and I had another baby, I still feel this would be a tough question to answer.

How have you addressed this question?
User avatar
riehlism
Registered User
 
Posts: 655
Joined: Thu Jul 15, 2010 03:57 pm
Location: Reseda, CA

Re : "So how many kids do you have?"

Postby wrennie » Mon Oct 04, 2010 10:59 pm

Jasmin, this is a tough one for sure and a personal one in terms of the answer. Before I had Aylah, I would only answer that I had an angel to someone when I felt comfort in talking with the person. If it was a passer by, so to speak, I would just say no...it felt awful. Then the questions kept coming when I got pregnant, is this your first? Well, no. This is when I was able to always say it was my second pregnancy and we lost our first. Now when the questions come, do you only have one, etc, I continue to stay true to Elodie. It is easier for me now, but it is a struggle especially going through it at the moment. It doesnt help when you have so many questions and are so unsure of the future.

(ironic how what once were ordinary questions, are now so loaded to each of us, so many people have no idea what they are really asking!)
wrennie
Registered User
 
Posts: 1019
Joined: Wed Dec 26, 2007 02:12 pm

Re : "So how many kids do you have?"

Postby kerisue » Mon Oct 04, 2010 11:32 pm

So far I've only been asked this question once (thankfully) I replied, "Yes, I had a daughter who died soon after birth." I think the answer might be different depending on who was asking and the situation.
User avatar
kerisue
Forum Moderator
 
Posts: 623
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:43 pm

Re : "So how many kids do you have?"

Postby miamibunnie » Tue Oct 05, 2010 02:43 am

It has happpened at work with my patients. Imagine they were all excited to see me back and figured baby was home. To some I said yes I had her, and thats it. Let them think..
miamibunnie
Registered User
 
Posts: 510
Joined: Tue May 18, 2010 10:46 am
Location: NEW YORK CITY

Re : "So how many kids do you have?"

Postby jamilyn » Tue Oct 05, 2010 03:09 am

that is a question that will get you no matter how long it has been since you have had to say good bye to your angel. You will find your way with time. I usually do answer, I have 3 little boys and 2 of them are my Guardian angels up in Heaven. Something along those lines, if they want to know more then they are open to ask if not then we dont go past that. I have had a few days though when I'm very emotional and i run across a stranger who im never going to see again and they ask so you have 1 son and ill just say yes and run off while the entire time im thinking of my angels. I did that more though before losing my 2nd then I have sense, I dont think I have sense said that, but it has been almost 9 years since I lost my 1st son.
Sorry you are having to handle this, but know that with time you will answer so quick and feel good about what you are saying.
jamilyn
Registered User
 
Posts: 430
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 08:30 am

Re : "So how many kids do you have?"

Postby annes » Wed Oct 06, 2010 01:17 pm

This is a question that I no longer ask anyone! You never know what someone's life has been like. I answer depending on the person, and how I am feeling at that moment. To be honest, now that four and a half years have passed, it is easier for me to answer "I had 3 but my second died a few days after he was born", because saying it does not cause me to break down for the rest of the day like it used to, time has given me a little tougher shell. ((HUGS)).
annes
Forum Moderator
 
Posts: 2527
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 11:53 am

Re : "So how many kids do you have?"

Postby l412angel » Wed Oct 06, 2010 07:04 pm

There is no right or wrong way to answer that question. I am a hairstylist and get that question on a daily basis.

Depending on the person I say "we have a daughter in heaven" some people pry some dont. Now I am ok with talking about what happened with Cara so it does not bug me to elaborate.

I say depending on the person because sometimes you can tell they are rude know it all type of people so I would rather not go there. Or they are the stay at home mom's whos husbands make millions so when I hear them say "life is so rough i cook every night" I tend just say I do not have children.

HOWEVER then I tend to get mad at myself like who cares if they are uncomfortable if I saw I have a daughter in heaven...thats their problems not mine...sign
User avatar
l412angel
Registered User
 
Posts: 1746
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2009 02:46 pm
Location: Illinois

Re : "So how many kids do you have?"

Postby sam10 » Wed Oct 06, 2010 08:31 pm

I try to answer in a way that is most comfortable for me, and that also depends how I feel. To share my story is special to me and I don't let everybody in on it. Sometimes I just don't want to hear something like "ohhh, I am so sorry. my friends cousin also lost a baby and now she is just fine......." kind of story....

It will always be a tough one.
sam10
Forum Moderator
 
Posts: 1433
Joined: Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:04 am
Location: Boston, MA

Re : "So how many kids do you have?"

Postby uncskristy » Mon Oct 11, 2010 09:56 am

My husband and I got this question for the first time about a month after we lost Cooper. Because we were at a happy event and I did not want to make that person uncomfortable, I answered that we had a almost three year old. Afterwards I just lost it because I felt like I had let Cooper down for not mentioning him, I swore to myself that I would never do that again. It does make some people uncomfortable but like a previous person mentioned thats their problem not mine :)
uncskristy
Registered User
 
Posts: 170
Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2010 11:24 am
Location: North Carolina


Return to Grief and Loss

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest