Painful weekend Vent

[uncskristy]

I just needed to vent to those who would understand. This past week has been miserable. It started out with Thursday where I go from planning Santa's black friday shopping fun for my oldest to a couple of hours later being in Michaels picking out flowers to make a Christmas arrangement for Cooper's grave. Then on Saturday we went to our alma mater's last home football game of the season versus our big rivals NC State where I could not keep my mind off of Cooper because he would have been six months old and the hospital where he was born and died was literally only steps away from the stadium. Yesterday morning, I had to have the heaven conversation with Davis again because he finally asked about our dog . We had sent Lily Dog to my parents' house for awhile because she was not getting the attention she needed with us. But then a spinal disease surfaced and we had to put her to sleep so we have just avoided telling Davis until he asked. Then last night, we went to a Thanksgiving party. Out of the six couples there, four were pregnant and they kept talking about how next year there would be four more there. I am happy for them but I just kept having thoughts about how there should be one more this year. I just want to get to the point where when I think of Cooper I immediately think of how happy I am to have had him even for a short time vs immediately feeling pain and anger.

[kerisue]

Oh Kristy, I'm feeling a very similar mixed bag of feelings right now too! It's so hard to hear all the baby talk at work and on facebook. I was driving through old town today and it was all pretty with twinkly lights and Christmas wreaths, Christmas music on the radio, and I just got SO sad all of a sudden thinking "my baby was supposed to be here for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I want her back right now!!" One day I feel like I'm going to make it- I feel thankful for knowing and loving my daughter at all, and the next I can only feel the great big chasm of loss with an added bonus of bitterness and resentment.

[m]

I understand. The holidays can be so hard. I'm having lots of mixed feelings this year. Sometimes I feel excited to be spending the holidays with my baby girl for the first time, and other times I dread another season without my precious baby boy. The other day I lost it when I saw a jewelry commercial with a couple celebrating their first Christmas as parents. That should have been us last year, but instead it was the worst Christmas ever. And even though I have had a successful pregnancy it is still hard for me to hear about others' pregnancies and I think it always will be. After experiencing a loss I'm so envious of all those family and friends who seem to keep having babies left and right with no problems at all while I probably will not get pregnant again because it is just too risky.

Sometimes I really wonder how people get to that point where they are just thankful to have known their baby. Mine lived 8 short days on a ventilator - what is there to be thankful for?