What do I say/What can I do

[bernadic]

Hi ladies. I need some advice and don't know which place to post so I am posting here. I met my friend 4 years ago in the NICU. Our boys were there for 3 months and were crib side neighbors. Our families became very close and we were great preemie support for each other and we all remained great friends upon leaving the NICU. She went on to have another preemie son 1.5 years ago at 26 weeks. I was a very strong support for her as she relived the NICU scene. She became pregnant with baby #3 this summer and just lost him at 27 weeks due to a placental abruption and a ruptured uterus. I have not yet spoken to her, just emails as this has just happened. What do I say, what can I do? Thanks for your help!

[blythe]

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. All our moms are amazing, but since our redesign we're slowly rebuilding the community. I've moved your post here to the Grief and Loss area. I hope you'll get more responses here.

[kerisue]

Wow, she's had a tough time of it. Two preemies and an abruption? Did she have PE with any of them? (I recently read a study that said that women who've had PE once are at a higher risk for other negative pregnancy outcomes in future pregnancies even if they don't get PE again)
A couple suggestions for you- if you know her well don't ask what you can do to help, just do it. After my baby died it just took too much effort to think about what I needed and ask for it, I needed people to just do it. also, listen to her. one of the people who's been the best for me after Millie would just talk with me and ask me lots of questions about her and the experience and she would just listen.

[rosemary]

I have to agree with Keri, just be there for her, especially in the weeks and months to come. If she's out of the hospital, perhaps take dinner to her and her family. If there is a service, and it's not private, be there if you are able. Your friend will be grateful to just know that she has a friend like you to count on. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dear friend.

[bernadic]

Thanks ladies. She didn't have PE, she just went into labor early, contractions started at 22 weeks and she lasted about a month on meds and bed rest. I like the idea of doing the dinner thing-maybe just making a few meals and taking them to her; gift cards to restaurants also came to mind. I know the holidays are coming, do I offer to help with shopping or the decorating? I know that she won't be in the mood, but her 2 little boys need to celebrate as they don't understand what the family is going through. Words cannot express how sorry I am for her and her family. It has brought me to tears many times thinking of her. Thanks again!

[sam10]

I am so sorry to hear that your friend lost her baby!
After I lost Henry the most helpful thing was the food that people brought to my house for a few weeks. It helped so much, because shopping for food and cooking is the last thing on your mind when you are grieving. It might also be helpful to babysit her children. If you do not know what to say to her, just tell her that! I find it easier if people honestly tell me that they have no words and give me a hug instead.

[bernadic]

Good point Sam. I have no real words for her but just sadness. Hugs and love are the best support! Thanks.

[karinna]

there really are no words to say to someone at a time like this. Sorry is about all you can say. no words will take away the pain and heartbreak that your friend is experiencing. I remember reading a passage from Job, he was suffering terribly and his friends came to be with him. They never said one word to him for about 7 days. Their presence was enough. Just be there for her, helping with activities of daily living would be good. When I lost my baby girl at 22 weeks from PE (9/20/10) i didn't even want to eat for weeks. If it wasn't for my family and friends bringing food I most likely would have starved to death. When I was pregnant, i loved eating ice cream and drinking milkshakes and was a major foodie in general. Now, blech. Good friends are hard to find, the little things will mean alot.

[lucy]

I absolutely agree with the other ladies, the biggest and most important thing is being there for her, it can make all the difference in the world having support.