It has been a year

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It has been a year

Postby sam10 » Wed Dec 22, 2010 08:46 pm

I thought I had prepared myself as much as possible for the difficult weeks ahead. But I did not expect it to be this hard! Today it hit me, and the intensity of my pain blew me away. It was one year ago exactly that we moved to a new home that would be more suitable for a baby. Tomorrow, it will be one year, that I was diagnosed with severe PE and admitted to the hospital to stay until the birth of my baby, which I thought would be weeks away. How wrong I was. My little Henry was born less than two weeks later on New Year's day. I am dreading the next few weeks and hope that they will pass quickly, yet I want to cherish them, but don't even know how, which pains me too.

I am thinking of all the moms, and dads who have lost a baby, and especially those who had to endure the loss around the holidays, which never will be the same ever again.
I don't only think of my little Henry, but all the other babies who could not stay amongst us.Every day I think of you and hope to find you in the rustle of dried leaves, in the whirl of snowflakes, in the pink sunset over sunset road, in the lit up citgo sign.....always
~Julija (40)
MC 3/2009 and 3/2011
Henry (1/1/2010-1/7/2010) - forever loved and missed; severe PE with Hellp; partial placental abruption, classical c-section at 25.6 weeks
Matilda (Nov. 2012, born at 35.4 weeks) - severe PE


Our pain has been put into words, placed into empty cradles, to remember that all our babies lived, that they mattered and always will. - Field of Cradles http://www.fieldofcradles.org/
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Re: It has been a year

Postby kerisue » Wed Dec 22, 2010 09:54 pm

The lights of the Citgo sign remind me of the happiest time of my life, Julija. Certainly back then I would never have imagined I'd be here. I'm dreading the new year as well as that's when my baby's life began (in me). As I pass each of those days (the day I found out I was pregnant, the day I saw her heart beat for the first time, the day I found out she was a girl) I anticipate fresh pain. I sincerely hope that we get to know our little ones again someday, somehow.
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed
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Re: It has been a year

Postby angieb » Thu Dec 23, 2010 10:31 pm

Reaching the one year milestone is so hard. And I'm sure it's a lot harder around the holidays. The first Christmas and round of holidays is really tough, too. It was actually just today when I was in the middle of wrapping presents that it just hit me that I should be wrapping presents for my almost one year old right now. Not a good day for me, I'm not much looking forward to the holidays either.

I'm thinking of you guys and your sweet babies.
Me (29) DH (30)
#1-Olivia Caetlyn-9-28-09-9-28-09, 23+2 wks, emergency classic c-section, class I HELLP, IUGR
#2- Lucas Oliver (rainbow baby)- April 2011, 36+2 wks, HELLP and pre-e free! (lovenox and LDA pregnancy)
#3-Matthew, late October 2012...mostly normal, 37 wks, (lovenox and LDA again)
My blog: http://www.butterflies-and-rainbows.blogspot.com/
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Re: It has been a year

Postby sam10 » Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:40 pm

It has been a year today that my sweet baby boy was born via emergent c-section. I was so proud and hopeful and thought that a birthday on such a special date can only be a good sign. He only lived for 7 days though and passed in our arms. This past year was the longest and hardest in my life, but I am back on my feet again. So rather than just sitting at home and being sad ( I am sad anyways), we celebrated his first birthday. It was tough to prepare for a celebration knowing the guest of honor won't be show up, but it was exciting too. I made a cake from scratch (no mix), the chocolate frosting too. I wrote a card, put up a banner, brought balloons to his grave, and wrapped some gifts, which were for my husband. We played a Happy Birthday song and lit the candles on the cake. I felt I needed to do all this, and am glad I did. It was a hard, but wonderful day. It was easier to celebrate Henry's first birthday, rather than not, even though he could be with us only in spirit.
~Julija (40)
MC 3/2009 and 3/2011
Henry (1/1/2010-1/7/2010) - forever loved and missed; severe PE with Hellp; partial placental abruption, classical c-section at 25.6 weeks
Matilda (Nov. 2012, born at 35.4 weeks) - severe PE


Our pain has been put into words, placed into empty cradles, to remember that all our babies lived, that they mattered and always will. - Field of Cradles http://www.fieldofcradles.org/
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Re: It has been a year

Postby kerisue » Sun Jan 02, 2011 08:50 am

http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/mes ... d=12354753

I lit this candle on New Year's Eve- it does burn down so it will only stay lit (and the link active, I assume) for the rest of today. Just wanted you to see it!
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed
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Re: It has been a year

Postby sam10 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 09:33 am

kerisue- this is so sweet of you. This means so much to me.
~Julija (40)
MC 3/2009 and 3/2011
Henry (1/1/2010-1/7/2010) - forever loved and missed; severe PE with Hellp; partial placental abruption, classical c-section at 25.6 weeks
Matilda (Nov. 2012, born at 35.4 weeks) - severe PE


Our pain has been put into words, placed into empty cradles, to remember that all our babies lived, that they mattered and always will. - Field of Cradles http://www.fieldofcradles.org/
sam10
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Re: It has been a year

Postby jules2 » Sun Jan 02, 2011 03:50 pm

The first year is so hard... and no its never the same again. Am thinking of you both x
May 2009 - Alice stillborn at 26 weeks due to severe PE and HELLP post-partum

2 early miscarriages

And then 4th pregnancy baby girl due 29th December 2010! Born safely after totally normal pregnancy on 17th December.
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Re: It has been a year

Postby sam10 » Fri Jan 07, 2011 07:24 pm

Today is the last day of the "7 days of Henry", as I like to refer to the period during which Henry lived. This is the day he left us. This is the day we rushed to the hospital after we had received one of those dreaded calls from the Nicu. When we arrived the doctors and nurses were doing all sorts of things to Henry, which I can't remember anymore. The most striking memory I have is that my sweet little boy looked at me and told me in his way that he could no longer endure any of this. At that moment I just felt that death was the best option for him. Streams of tears were rolling down my cheek when I was holding his tiny fingers while the doctors and nurses were doing their things, and I knew, his time had come. They removed all tubes and needles, and placed him in my arms. An eternity, a timeless period seemed to pass while me and my husband took turns holding him, kissing him, cradling him, and telling him how much we loved him. We held him well until after he had left. Today I am closing a chapter in my life, the first year after Henry's passing, the longest and hardest year in my life. It has taught me many things, but one in particular, that a mother's love is infinite and eternal.
~Julija (40)
MC 3/2009 and 3/2011
Henry (1/1/2010-1/7/2010) - forever loved and missed; severe PE with Hellp; partial placental abruption, classical c-section at 25.6 weeks
Matilda (Nov. 2012, born at 35.4 weeks) - severe PE


Our pain has been put into words, placed into empty cradles, to remember that all our babies lived, that they mattered and always will. - Field of Cradles http://www.fieldofcradles.org/
sam10
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Re: It has been a year

Postby claricemaala » Fri Jan 14, 2011 07:59 pm

Sam..I am very touch. I was crying as I was reading your post.
I will be reaching my son's birthday on 2/1 . He was born early at 31 weeks but early. But developed NEC at 7 days and died on his 8 day.
I am devastated and my life was never the same.
I am planning a little birthday celebration for my son with cake and balloons. I will again fly 8 balloon signifying his 8 days on earth (which I did on his funeral day). I am counting down and I am having sleep deprivation and I stay awake at night thinking of what could have been and the entire episode when NICU called me that he was sick to the momemnt I held him when he took his last breath.
Mom to 6 year old. Born at 33 1/2 weeks after preeclampsia and abruptio placenta.
Angel boy -Michael- born 2/1/2010 at 31 weeks. Had pre eclampsia and hospital bedrest at 27 weeks. Died due to NEC. Forever loved and missed
Rainbow baby due Feb 2012. Hoping for a looooonnnnnnngggg uneventful pregnancy.
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Re: It has been a year

Postby jjones1333 » Tue Jan 18, 2011 03:41 pm

Sam, I am so sorry for your loss. The first year was the hardest for me. I did exactly what you did for his birthday. I threw a little party with friends and family. It made the day easier knowing how many people loved Anthony. I;m sure Henrey was looking down at you and trying to blow out the candles. Our babies will always be in our hearts. Many hugs to you
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