Devastated and heartbroken

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
Jackie R
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Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Feb 23, 2011 1:29 am

Devastated and heartbroken

Postby Jackie R » Wed Feb 23, 2011 02:07 am

Hello, my name is Jackie and I am 27 years old. I live in Long island, NY. My husband and I were pregnant with our first child-a baby girl named Mia. We were so estatic and happy. My due date was 1/31/11.My pregnancy was going great up until October when I swelled up like a big balloon. Im a petite girl 5"2 115 lbs. shoe size 6. I couldnt fit into a size 10...I had no ankles. My obgyn was a regular dr not high risk but i never knew i needed a high risk because no one in my family ever had complications. My dr was highly recommened too so I trusted him. In mid Oct. I was told that my baby had possibly IUGR and/or SGA but my Dr never explained anything to me and I tried to do research myself and didnt come up with anything...I figured since I am petite and was born small and my DR isnt worried then everything is ok. He sent me for ultrasound in the MFM dept. in ***** and the DR. there told me not to worry. Meanwhile, i had all the basic tests done -down syndrome, trisonomy and everything was great. I was also showing low amniotic fluid at around 7-8 but my dr told me not to worry. Either way, I went to a family friend ultrasonographer on my own which my DR never recommened. Her Dr. wrote a report to my dr that I only saw afer my baby girl passed away. No one told me anything in the meantime, thinking that my Dr would explain everything to me. The only thing that my family friend said is to do a 24 hr urine but never fot into details. When i saw my Dr on 11/9/10 I asked him about the report and he said "its a book report" I asked him about the 24 hr urine and he said theres no need for me to do that, that my blood pressure is fine. I asked him about my swelling and he said its "normal." I was in grad school with a few wks left into the semester and i was trying to finish school so i can be home with my baby. I asked my Dr if i should be on bedrest and he replied no. However, a few wks prior he made a joke that Im eating too much because i gained weight quickly- which I told him i really wasnt eating a lot. I complained to my dr also that my head felt as if it was underwater and he and his nurses told m it wasnt pregnancy related. I also had pins and needles feeling in my hands and was referred to a hand specialist. I was advised that this was normal in pregnancy and not to worry. I also developed a slight outer ear infection which i never had in my whole life...I was given drops but decided to not take them and do garlic oil insted because I was very careful about not taking anything to harm my baby. I was so careful wit what I ate, no meds, I tried my best to have the most healthy pregnancy. My glucose test came back negative. But on 11/17 I had my every 2 wk ultrasound scheduled at the hospital, but felt shortness of breath and saw my urine output was not the same- alot less and dark. So i peed in a cup that morning, called my Dr and they told me to come in to them before i would go to my ultrasound. I came in and saw my Dr's partner which I met for the first time and she said my bp was 140/90 and my protein was +4 and to go to the hospital. She never explained much to me and I thought that I was going for my ultrasound and if anything they would put me on bed rest or hospitalize me for a few days. The ultrasound that day showed that my baby was growing but still small. They kept me hospitalized and I didnt see my Dr. The residents came in and wanted to put me on mag sulfate and labetol..I told them I needed a few minutes to make calls to my husband and family to see if it was safe. They came in telling me I had 30% chance of dying, I annoyed them and asked 10 times if this is safe for my baby. They said yes. I did not have eclampsia and my bp was stabilized. The highest that it ever went up to was 180/110 but then it went down to 130/100 and then 120/97 and then back up. I was injected steroids for the babys lungs to develop just in case. I saw my Dr for 5 minutes the next day and he said I would probably have to deliver soon. I asked him how this happened-didnt he see signs and he replied that this developed overnight and disappeared. The NST showed that my baby was active however, i was not allowed to eat or drink ever since i got admitted to the hospital. I was so thirsty!! The next day on 11/18 I had an ultrasound done at 6 pm and the Dr said that he would tell my dr to keep me hospitalized and not to deliver but to repeat the ultrasound in 3 hrs. Some Dr. came to my room 4 hrs later with a resident to do a bedside ultrasound. I saw by his face that something was wrong. I asked him whats wrong and he replied tat my baby isnt moving. I tried to stay positive like i usually am and simply replied well if u feed and give us something to drink then my baby will move. This happened before on some of my ultrasounds where my baby fell asleep and very active later. I said this very politely and he snapped at me and said this is not a joke "your baby is dying." He said its time for an emergency c-section and they phoned my DR. Horrible bedside manner because I started to shake. I thought my heart was going to fly out of my chest. I was so scared and didnt even think to argue with this DR even though, I should have ripped my IVs off and walked out of this hospital ASAP to another hospital. My Dr came didnt even check the ultrasound or the NST but decided to deliver me. My baby Mia was born 11/18/10, weighing 1 lb 13 oz small but great apgar scores of 6 and 8 and crying immediately. It was the happiest day of my life!! She was in the NICU for 26 days do great..I was there everyday. I was producing so much breastmilk. She had no complcations(no brain bleeds, no heart complications, etc which are normal for preemies). She was gaining weight. I held her-she even smiled and looked at me. All the nurses said she was so feisty and strong. She looked like her Daddy but had her Mommys personality..she even slept like me!! She was breathing room air on her own with minimal support of CPAP. Her 2 headscans came back normal..everything was great. She had several refluxes and aspirates but we were told this was normal and not to worry. The day before my precious angel died, there was a nurse that I met for the first time..something was off, I didnt like her and i was trying to get primrary care nurses to take care of my baby instead of them switching nurses everyday. I was told that it was hospital policy not to assign primarary care. I was still waiting to speak to the main supervisor that was out for a few days. (My husband and I tried to be super nice with the NICU..we would come religiously and I would call all hours of the night to check up on my baby if I wasnt there, but we were nice because we knew they were taking care of our most precious gift of life-our baby.) I thought I could trust these drs too! That day the new attending DR in the NICU told me Mia was doing great. That evening right after the nurses shift that I wasnt too fond of, she developed blood in her stools. We were questioning the Drs since my husband and I were doing a lot or reading and research about preemies. There was a resident Dr that evening that told us not to worry. Its very strange how there was no attending Dr to speak with us. We were scared that Mia had NEC but that DR told us not to worry and to get some sleep that she didnt have NEC and that they would contact us. The next morning, we went to the hospital. While we were driving, a nurse pract. called to say that Mia wasnt doing well. We drove like to the hospital in 12 minutes in rush hour when it usually takes 30 min without traffic. I almost fainted when i saw Mia...she was hooked onto a ventilator, with a swollen distended abdomen, her litlle hands were blue, lethargic and looked like she had internal bleeding. My husband had to catch me from fainting. We were consulted with the attending Dr and the pediatric surgeon. They advised us for the surgeon to do a drainage they were unsure if it was sepsis or NEC but said that a little perforation would be the best option to get the air out of her tummy and it would only benefit my daughter. We allowed this..we had no other choice. The surgeon came out and said Mia handled the perforation fine and hopefully it would help her and left. My precious baby died in my arms with internal and external bleeding, suffering from NEC and a cardiopulmonary arrest. My mom had to watch her baby holding her dying baby in her arms...she was crying hysterically, my husband was..the nurses in the room were..even the Dr held back his tears. My favorite nurse said she has never seen anything like this in all of 9 years that she worked in ******. She was the nurse who actually took care of my baby until 7 am on 12/13 and then the "bad" nurse came on shift. My fav nurse told me that when her shift ended Mia was very healthy. This was the worst day of my life 12/14/10 and I am depressed...I dont want to live without my daughter Mia. I went from being a happy, positive, strong woman always wanting to help others to wanting to commit sucide. We got the medical records which was extremely hard because the NICU was delaying them for as long as possible. I have researched the records, practically memorized them. The nurse that i didnt like according to the records, fed my baby human milk and formula and rigt after her shift is when my baby got sick and passed away. I blame myself everyday for choosing my OBgyn. I was told by another Dr who is now reviewing my records that I should have not been delievered and why didnt my Dr reconfirm the other Dr's decision that Mia's fetal heart rate was fine and that she was not in distress. I blame myself and always will that I chose my OBGYN, drove myself to ***** soon as I walked thru those doors I walked thru * for the rest of my life. Why didnt I argue against the c-section??? Why did this have to happen to MIa when she was doing so great for almost a month?? Was there no way of maintaing my pre-eclampsia?? Is preeclampsia and NEC related??? Did my body kill my baby??I am sorry for such a long story but I feel like im trapped, lost, and helpless.
Last edited by caryn on Wed Feb 23, 2011 10:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: remove hospital name
me (29) hubby (32)

proud Mommy to our beautiful & precious angel Mia-"Forever Loved, Always Missed, Never Forgotten"
born on Nov. 18, 2010 (29w3d) due to severe pre-e and IUGR, became an angel on 12/14/2010 due to hospital negligence in NICU-hospital acquired infection.

"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever my sweet precious Mia"

proud Mommy to Milania born on April 3, 2012 at 37 weeks PE free-on LDA, Lovenox, Vitamin D, Calcium & Bedrest
Thank You my sweet precious Mia for safely placing your baby sister into our arms <3

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