by flori (225 Posts), Tue Apr 19, 2011 10:14 pm
I'm with Kerisue. I don't fear for myself during a subsequent pregnancy. My doctors and husband were adamant that I deliver Gracie, despite me begging them to let me wait and I know that the same will happen next time. I do feel the anger, resentment, bitterness, and guilt though. I think another reason I don't worry about myself though is because I'm not really scared of dying anymore. Losing Gracie has left me numb to the idea of death.
Christa, I also understand the feelings of anxiety. I told my husband recently that I feel like we're about to receive bad news or something terrible is going to happen (even though the worst thing imaginable has already happened). I feel the way I did in the two weeks before Gracie died, when we found out about the IUGR and placental issues. It's kind of like there is a knot in my stomach and I'm scared to breathe too deeply. Maybe it's anxiety of the unknown of life itself.
As for things that have helped me heal, (please keep in mind that I am very early in my journey so I might not be the best to answer this), I started attending online chat sessions for bereaved parents. I'm not quite ready for in person grief sessions yet, but the online thing has been a nice way to get my feet wet. I have also read quite a few books about baby loss. However, I think the biggest thing for me so far has been reading fellow blm blogs. Everyone deals with this pain differently and seeing that you can get through it (never over it), no matter how you deal with it all, has helped me see that I'll get there eventually.
Mommy to Gracie- born at 25 weeks 03/15/11, 11 inches, 1.1lbs, and absolutely beautiful. Became my sweet angel the next day.