??'s about miscarriages

[5thtymachrm]

I know that all of you courageous women in here have been through a sadness I have never seen, and pray that I never will. I lost my babies very early on, each a piece of my heart. I don't think I have ever really sat down to think about the losses I have had, except when I was pg last year and going through so many problems so early in the pg. As we are ttc right now, I think my fears are all bubbling to the surface. I want so badly to get pg again, but there is a portion of me that prays the tests will be negative because of fear for the unknown. I wonder if all those people who have told me that I should just be happy that I have my one baby,and not to chance it again. I want to pummel those people so far, how can they know my heart?

This morning I woke up from another nightmare that I had found my dd not breathing in her crib, I was screaming for my dh to call 911 but he wasn't here and I couldn't leave her to call them. I woke up bawling my eyes out. I have dreams like this several times a week. Is this normal? I thought things would calm down for me, fear wise, as she got bigger and stronger. Not having to worry so much about SIDS and such. It has gotten really bad the last 2 weeks that we have been ttc.

I really feel the need to face it because I tend to run from emotional pain, especially something so deep and painful as my first loss. I still grieve for her and wonder how different my life would have been had she been it for the last 10 years.

For those of you who have had multiple m/c's at different times during the pg..I am wondering what they called them..i just rec'd all of my medical records from the pg and some past history information. I have had a total of 4 m/c's. The first was at 12wks-my records are calling it a "stillbirth"[:0]the word just shocked me, it was 10 yrs ago nearly and it has really shocked me today. The ob i had seen back then had given no reason, just a "things happen" excuse and told me I was better off because I was 19 and in a bad marriage. I was so angry and sad, i wanted to die. my marriage ended 7 days after I lost the baby. My naivete was lost also that same week. I have never been the same.

The other 3 m/c's were at 3, 5, 3 wks-theys listed them as "chemical abortion"! ack! I hate the word abortion because of its connotations. I am extremely strong on the side of prolife and would have never done something like that. I do understand that the medical community calls any m/c an abortion, I just hate the terminology. I can say that after the 3rd loss it no longer affected me the way the previous 2 had. I became numb to it. I just figured it was impossible for me to hold a pg.

I don't know why I read through those records today, they have really upset me. Not really about the last year of issues but calling that first loss a stillbirth. It has really brought up a lot of pain and sadness that was so long ago. I am excited to get pg again but this has really brought the old fears close up again. Now that I know what the end result of a pg is(a beautiful baby girl), it will be even more dificult to lose a pg. how did you deal with the pain of several losses? How do you not become a raving lunatic when pg?

TIA, I know you all here understand these issues only too well. My heart just aches for each of you. I think I come through and read at least once every other day, I cry as I read your stories and struggles but I think it helps see women carry on in life after something so terrible happening to them. I have not lost a pg due to PE, we do not know why I lost the first 4, this forum saved myself and my baby and I am eternally thankfull for its presence.

Elizabeth

Indigo E. 11/20/03:37wks, PIH
ttc #2 is a go!

[josiah1112]

Oh, Elizabeth! You have been thorough so much!
And yes, reading through records can be SO sobering!
I've read through mine, various times and I am always
so surprised by what was going on ...
I'm really glad that you are enjoying your baby
daughter and I speculate that your TTC is stirring
up in you fears that have been in the back of your
mind. Unfortunately, you know of too many of us
that have gone through this heart break. I hope
your road to TTC will be a smooth one. Please
remember to take one day at a time... hour by
hour if you need to. Sometimes I wonder how I
will ever do it. Everything about pregnancy reminds
me of my son and the fact that he is not here
really breaks my heart over and over again.
Take Care and thank you for always being so
supportive.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom

[angelkat]

Elizabeth....

I just wanted to reach out and give you a HUGE HUG.... You have been thru so much and it's so hard... I have had one mc and it was labeled a chemical pregnancy (I hate that term). I do so understand your concerns and thoughts...

As Gloria (the wise one) has said.... Take one day at a time!!!...

Again, sending you huge hugs and prayers of comfort and peace....

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(13)PE 37 wks
Ky (11)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey Looking at Aug
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

[5thtymachrm]

Thank you :o)

Elizabeth

Indigo E. 11/20/03:37wks, PIH
ttc #2 is a go!

[taras mom]

TTC after even one loss is scary! Much as I want to get my +, I hate the thought that it's just the beginning of a very hazardous journey with no guarantees.

You're not alone, Elizabeth. Hugs to you and your little miracle girl!

Carol (39)
DH Bill (40)
Tara Mairichi
12/7-12/9, 2002
The Mightiest Little Angel

[julie f]

Elizabeth, my heart goes out to you. What should be such a happy hopeful time, turns into a such a scary, waiting for the other shoe to drop time for us...

I don't know how you keep from being a "raving lunatic" while pg - If you find out, let me know... My DH and I (and thankfully my OB), have accepted the fact that I'm going to be over paranoid, that I will make mountains out of mole hills, etc. I just think we know all to well how fragile life is and how, as Carol said, there are just no guarantees.

I'm praying that your TTC journey is quick and that you are blessed with another miracle baby.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator

[for faith]

Elizabeth ~ So sorry for your losses and you difficult time now. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks after my son was born and my whole world was shattered, the wonderful idea of a great, normal pregnancy was crushed. I found out on an ultrasound and my miscarriage was labeled a missed abortion (I then had a D&C, which is the same procedure as an abortion, so the thought of that was awful). When I got pregnant with my daughter I was a nervous wreck the whole time, except for a short time before the PE set in and then we lost her. I have desperately wanted #2 in my life for 2 years now and this has been so hard, I so want to have a baby, but am so scared of the pregnancy. Miscarriage whenever they are are losses also, which impact our lives greatly. Sending lots of hugs to you, I hope that your TTC journey is short and your pregnancy is a peaceful, perfect one.

HUGS

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 9/02

[jenn]

Elizabeth,
Prayers for your angels in heaven.
And I hear you on all your concerns.
We didn't even try to get pg again. When I did think about wanting to I too would get bad dreams of the baby not making it.
I take my fair share of critisisum from outsiders on why I treat Jaidyn the way I do (spoiled to the core) or hear that I should stop there because I was sooo lucky for Jaidyn and I to come through this alive and well.
For the longest time I took those words to heart and never opened my heart to see what I really wanted.
Than SURPRISE! Blaze was a determined peanut to be concieved even on B/C. Stinker!
I was so beside myself with fear the first couple days, than it melted into the greatest joy. I was so attached to my peanut, I didn't have a care in the world, even if it meant the most extreme measures to have this baby.
Sadly though Blaze did not make it into this world alive. Though my heart thinks otherwise.
So here I am blessed a third time, and so quickly after losing my last. Scared out of my mind is an understatment!
But I wouldn't change things for the world.
I've found a deeper sense of positive this go around. It's really helping this time pass so quickly.
And so far everything is going just duckie! Minus some little panic's, but I feel this is normal for any pg mama.
I wish you all the best with your choice to ttc again! Your such a great mom to Indy, look at how cute she is! Like a little cabbage patch!
You two have been through so much together, it's inspiring to me, honestly! I had no idea what you had been through until just recently. And your courage to want another baby is bowling me over, more than any worries that anything negitive will happen.
Many hugs and lots of love!!!


Jennie (24)
Shad DH (29)

Jaidyn 1.24.01 (30 wkr)
Severe PE/HELLP
2lb. 12oz.

Heavenly Angel:
Blaze
12.6.03
(miscarriage)

Natalia Rosse
Due Thanksgiving day!
11.25.04

http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/j/jaid/ (updated May 26th, u/s photos in J's gallery)

[5thtymachrm]

Thank you again all of you for your very kind words of support, it really means alot to me :o) I am doing alot better today. Yesterday was a strange day for me, they happen. The thought of losing Indy has been brought to the surface because she needs to go in and have a tube placed in her one good ear, maybe more surgery for the bad ear too. I am going to be a total mess during that. We go in to discuss options with the pediatrician on Monday. Then it will probably be up to Children's hospital for the surgery. I know the risks are minimal and all that, that doesn't stop me from being terrified of losing her. all it takes one little slip up and I've lost her forever.

Jennie..I used to list everything on my siggie but then removed it when I was no longer pg. It was such a long list of bad conditions and losses, I just didn't feel like reminding myself of them all each time I posted. I have thought about making a shorter version on my siggie so that whomever I am speaking to understands that I can be empathetic and such...lol that sounds a bit weird, but true.


Elizabeth

Indigo E. 11/20/03:37wks, PIH
ttc #2 is a go!

[tracey]

Elizabeth
I just wanted to send you a huge hug!
I am so inspired by your courage.

Wishing you lots of luck and sweet dreams (no more nightmares!)


Tracey
mother to angel Ila Elizabeth (February 6, 2004), 25w2d

currently TTC number 2