Before, during and after. I wanted to believe it, but hardly did until Kyle arrived safely here. Then once he was here, I was so severely post partum depressed I didn't think I'd survive the rest of my life, let alone ever see the world in color again. And some days - I still don't believe it while I'm brushing aside the hair on my sleeping almost 2 year old, thanking him for coming here to be my baby!
I believed it in my heart - which - after a PE loss can be hard to get in touch with b/c the mind and emotions are so confused and scared by the trauma. When I couldn't find my heart, I clung to words of doctors - things like, "the odds are in your favor" and stories of hope on the PE forum. It is hard work. And still is. I didn't just show up here today for no reason - I must need some support of my own. I knew another pregnancy and and another baby wouldn't replace FB - although sometimes I think the rest of the world acts as if it should - but - I too didn't think it would stay as bad - or be as challenging. I remember crying so hard I'd be on the floor, kneeling on all fours - apologizing, questioning, begging for forgiveneness. This one time was after a really great OB apt for Kyle w/ an ultrasound/growth scan and I just kept telling FB, "I'm so sorry you didn't get to grow as big" - that was rough. I just never know what's going to stir up emotions. I can't even plan for it. It was really challenging work being pregnant again after FB. But...I got through it. And when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, freaking about being induced, my OB said, "These are the final days of your pregnancy - enjoy them before they are over" - and it really struck me. Looking back - I did have a GREAT pregnancy! I was lucky or blessed or whatever you want to call it. I was so healthy, I didn't even have any "normal" pregnancy issues like swollen ankles or hemmoroids, let alone PE again. And Kyle's induction went great! Aside from my PTSD and emotions - it really was a wonderful experience. And now, w/ a toddler, being pregnant again - I don't know if it gets easier - b/c I'm still anxious every day that I'm pregnant - but it gets easier to put the fears and emotions on the backshelf and check in with them later. They used to be in my face, constantly demanding my attention. Well, now...
Do your best to get through it. Ask for help when you need it. Give yourself a break. Be gentle with you.
Katie, married to Doug. Mom to Fiona Elizabeth, stillborn June 21, 2008 @ 26w; Severe Preeclampsia. Loved. Kyle James, born October 29, 2009 @ 39w; Healthy and PE Free!!! Josephine, born Nov.17, 2011 @ 39w; PE free again. Woot!