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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2011 09:10 pm
I don't think you are a terrible person at all and I do not take comfort in God-isms, like "God has a plan" and "God wanted this" or "Only God can ..." - I don't really believe in that type of God. I think people say stuff like that b/c they don't know what else to say and have a hard time dealing w/ ambiguity and the randomness and chaos of the universe. I am sorry for your loss. It can be really painful when the rest of the world doesn't know what to do, like you said, speaks w/out thinking, or tries to tell you how you should feel or behave. I hope you can be good to yourself!
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 03:27 pm
I often struggle with that, especially now that my new hubby comes from a religious family. Our mom's were discussing grandchildren one day, and my mom said well it would be very very hard for her so I don't want to pressure her. And his mom said well, you just have to pray and it will be okay. My mom who goes to church every sunday and is in choir kept her cool and said last time I did pray and the baby did not make it. I personally wanted to throw a shoe at my mother in law... how dare she even think we didn't do everything possible. I was married, I wanted that baby.. my mom wanted her granddaughter, everyone prayed, everyday that we both make it. My mom is grateful everyday that I survived, but we all still grieve for Veronica. I also feel I was blessed with my angel, and I guess it is just bitter/jealousy with me but when people call there living children angel's it strikes a nerve. I'm just hoping if we do decide to try, his mom never has to find out what my mom feels like... and I actually have a good pregnancy and birth.
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 02:06 pm
Not harsh one bit! I do think every baby is a blessing. Your son is a blessing. I don't think you are unblessed either that he is in heaven, although you would much rather be holding him in your arms. I lost my mom when I was 16 because a doctor diagnosed her with cancer and gave her radiation which made her heart 3 times the size of normal and so one afternoon she fell asleep and never woke up. The coroner told us that there was no cancer in her body and thats why the radiation enlarged her heart and killed her. I went to bring her coffee and found my mom gone. I did cpr, I called 911 and I begged and pleaded with God to heal her, and He didn't. I wish He would have, I think He could have, but He didn't. I was angry with Him for quite a while. I am quick to yell at someone being disrespectful to their mother or not giving their mother enough attention etc because I always think " you're avoiding your mom and I would give anything to still have mine." So when I grumble and complain over my fussy baby or messy toddlers or my kids are driving me nuts, I'd imagine that every woman thats lost a child would be yelling at me to " be thankful that mine are alive." I get that and honestly, sometimes when I am most frustrated with my children, I step back and say the same thing; they are mine and they are alive." I've had to early m/c's and that was bad enough, I couldn't imagine losing a child further a long in utero or after birth. I don't think I"m "unblessed" that my mom died when I was 16. I don't think I'm unblessed that I had 2 early m/c's. Every event in my life has made me who I am. I'm not thankful that I lost my mom and I sure'd rather have her here with me, but I'm still blessed to be alive and have my husband,children, and family and friends. I hope I never make someone feel " unblessed."
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 01:17 pm
It's not that I am upset at a woman for thanking God in her own circumstance. I would hope that anyone would cherish their child and be thankful for them. It's my own view that others might not realize that they are saying, "God blessed me and my child is living"... to someone who has lost a baby that is saying "God spit on you, you're baby died". This is a VERY VERY extreme explanation to kind of get my point across and I don't actually believe that in the slightest, but when a person is grieving, one cannot help but take statements like that personally from time to time. I don't think I have ever had that sort of situation arise on this site because I feel women on this site have had their own brush with death and are very cautious about making others feel like crap. In the outside world, where most people don't think before they speak, that's how it is. There are many books and articles written that are just about what to say and not say to parents who have lost children or to people who are grieving in general, but this I don't feel like this really fits in there... It's just one of those things where people need to be grateful for their children, count their blessings, but also realize that blessings come in many different forms. My blessing was getting to know my son for 30 weeks and having two blissful days with him without knowing that there was anything wrong with him. My only memories with him were pure joy because there was no fear that anything was going to happen. Sure something did happened, but it was a fluke just like a drowning accident, SIDS or even a car crash. My pain is just that sometimes people make me feel UNblessed and I feel like puts a negative tone on my son's life. He was and still is the best thing that has ever happened to me, even though he is not here with me and I would hope that you would feel the same way if something happened to someone special in your life. I would like to think that you would still consider them a miracle/blessing.
PS: I hope none of this sounded mean or harsh. I appreciate you writing on here. I am not trying to point fingers at any person besides the person I wrote about in my original post.
Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 12:47 am
This does me good to read threads like this. I have never lost a child and could never ever imagine ( or want to imagine) the pain you ladies live with everyday. I always struggle with what to say or how to say it to show I care but not come across as though I understand where you're coming from. But I do often thank God that after surving pe and hellp that I am alive and all my children are as well. I'm not trying to throw it in anybody's face. I'm so sorry if I've ever hurt any of you. For those of you that get your rainbows, I'm sure you will thank God for them everyday as well. ( if you believe in God.) I have hurt for you all and I have shed many a tear in prayer for you all. I've often asked God " why did mine live and MIllie, and Cara, and Naomi, and Laken not live?" I dont' understand why some women die with less severe labs and why some babies make it against all odds and some 32 weeks don't. I don't understand why some women get worse in hours and some hump along for months. We all have different pe stories. Its because of all the babies that have been lost and mothers and sisters and wives that I do often like to Thank God publicly that I am alive and my children are in my arms. I have a close friend whose son died of sids at 2 weeks old and I often visit his grave. I COULD NOT IMAGINE going to my own childs grave and i am soooooooooo sorry that you all have to. Thats a part of preeclampsia that I pray I never have to experience. Maybe you all could start a thread about what has helped you and hurt you the most from others who haven't experienced a loss??? Maybe to give us some insight as to how to be there for you the best we can???
Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 12:17 am
I totally agree with all of you. I have felt the same frustrations, especially around the God's blessing/God's plan issue. I personally believe that God's Plan was for my baby girl to live and grow up and have a fulfilling life, like everyone else. I also struggle with folks who talk about people's strength in beating their illness, as if my baby didn't have strength because she died. She DID have strength, a lot of it and she fought hard.
Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 09:19 am
I feel the same sometimes. When we were in the nicu people used to tell us that we had to have faith we had to continue to pray. I did... I prayed and prayed,I bargained and begged. After 4 long months of watching our baby fight for his life we lost him. Still today people talk of how blessed they are that god answered their prayers and healed their babies. I cannot beleve in a god that answetres only some prayers and spares only some lives. I feel like you,it is life and sometimes life sucks. I understand
Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 00:00 am
I'd bother me too, as it sounds as though there is a distinction between those who are blessed with a living child and therefore special compared to us who have lost a child, and therefore there is something wrong with us and/or we did not deserve it. This is one way of reading this. I have tried a different approach to such statements. I try to see it as their fear of such an unthinkable thing as childloss as well as their way of saying that they are indeed thankful and at the same time sympathetic to our experience. Either way though, it sucks that our babies are not alive and jumping around and making our nights short, instead the nights are short b/c we grieve.
Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 09:23 pm
I feel as though other new mommies around me are thrusting their motherhood into my face. This one girl I know from college posts every day about how blessed she is to be a mother and how God blesses her so much every day and she can't imagine life without her son and blah blah blah. I feel as though I was blessed to have my baby. It truly sucks that he did not live. I don't think in any way that I am UNblessed by that experience. I think it is just life and it sucks. I am also still in disbelief sometimes that I had a baby and that he is gone. I can't imagine life going on without him, but it does (sadly). Sometimes I find myself wanting to kick these people (and this person). Am I terrible person?