by kbunsey (895 Posts), Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:38 pm
Hi. I’m trying to think about how I felt or where I was in my grief at 3 mos. I was heading back to work (teacher) 3 mos out from FB’s death and a lot of it is a blur to me. I can hardly remember much except that there would be a flood of people all of a sudden (after spending a lot of time alone on summer vacation) and just trying to get through those first few days of school, seeing all the people who know what happened to me and – just not wanting to break down in front of anyone. I fought back tears almost every day of work and sometimes cried in my car before going into work each day. And, I played hooky the week of FB’s EDD. My hub and I hid out-of-town for the week. It was good for us.
Dues dates and anniversary dates are difficult - different - perhaps not as difficult now - but there. I found myself crying in the car this year, replaying a certain song that brought on the tears. It was good this year. OK crying. What needed done, I guess. In 2008, 2009, 2010 - those anniversary times were a bit more intense - angry - scared - reliving trauma - remorseful - lonely - that kind of stuff. It changes each year for me.
Ick! I forgot about the hospital bills - I was engaged. How dare they send me bills for a dead baby! Somebody should have been sending me sympathy checks. You'd think stupid hospitals and insurance companies could write off a few bills here and there out of courtesy. I remember, too, the funeral director having to ask us standard questions from the state like, "Did you take your prenatal vitamin every day?" It wasn't his fault but I wanted to send a letter to the state saying, "F*** off! Did I take my prenatal vitamin every day? I took a super expensive prenatal that my insurance company didn't cover!" Grrrrrr....
I can’t ever advise anyone on if or when to TTC again. Trying again and being pregnant - sigh..... it was so much work for me. I got a lot of therapy. Different kinds: talk, guided imagery, massage, yoga therapy, acupuncture, dietary changes, awesome medical doctor/MFM and of course, spent a lot of time on the PF. What would I have done w/out the PF!??? It is such a huge personal decision and only you will walk through it given your particular circumstance. There are generalities and statistics and commonalities to be found here on the PF, but, everyone is different as is every pregnancy. I lived on “the odds are in your favor” and “only 20% chance of getting some degree of PE again” – to get me through even considering another pregnancy. I called doctors repeatedly just so I could hear those stats and reassurance again. And I CLUNG to stories and hope from others here. And, thankfully, things went very well for me – but it was work. Big emotional work. And I had really bad PPD after Kyle last year. So, you have to do what is best for you and for your husband and get your supports built up – internal and external.
Whatever and whenever you decide to do anything – just be sure to be good to you – gentle and patient with yourself. And people will be here for you!
Katie, married to Doug. Mom to Fiona Elizabeth, stillborn June 21, 2008 @ 26w; Severe Preeclampsia. Loved. Kyle James, born October 29, 2009 @ 39w; Healthy and PE Free!!! Josephine, born Nov.17, 2011 @ 39w; PE free again. Woot!