Not sure what to do

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Not sure what to do

Postby Nadenet1229 » Wed Sep 28, 2011 11:17 am

I lost my son on 05/11/11 at 22 wks pregnant. My husband and I are still dealing with our loss, and now my sister is living in my home as she is in the middle of a messy divorce.

My husband and I want to start trying again in December. We want a baby more than anything and we both think that waiting will increase our chances of this happening again. But, now my sister is living in the nursery that I had panted for my son. It bothers me but I'm not going to throw her out on the street. She isn't currently working as she was a stay at home mom for the last year of her marriage, and she has depression issues and when she gets upset everything is everybody elses fault. I thought that I would still try in December, and just have to fix up the other room in my house and move my sister in there but my husband feels that we can't try again until she is out of the house because her mood swings and flipping out all the time makes my blood pressure shoot up. I'm worried about her, trying to be supportive, but sometimes she seems me as the enemy because I am trying to be a neurtal party between her and her husband because my two necies are still living with him and I'm not the one in the divorce.

Well now I'm realizing that Joe and I may not be able to start trying again with all this happening, and now I can help but think if I will ever have children. I have no idea when my sister will get back on her feet. She's trying to learn to calm herself and not jump down people's throat, and not react so emotionally to everything but she wants it to change over night and it wont. It takes years to get over things sometimes, its different for everyone.

I feel selfish for focusing on my upset over not being able to try for a baby again, and I am heartbroken to think we may never get the chance. I am turning 29 in December and I don't want to wait long but I can't shove my sister out the door either, and I want to help her but she has to help herself first, and I am just so confused on how to feel.

I just cry a lot now. Too much. So I tried to focus on helping my sister, but she says she is going to wait for a position at my company to open instead of getting all these rejections from other places. But she can't even think of moving out until she gets a job. My husband is angry all the time, and he's trying not to be, but he is depressed from losing Joseph, and wants to try again but can help feeling like my sister is stopping us. I am trying to be there for him but I know he still cant shake that feeling. And now my husband's father is being hospitalized.

I... I really wonder how I haven't completely broken down yet.
Mother to Joseph Lovelace Touchet Jr born on 5/11/11 at 22 weeks due to Preeclampsia and HELLP. Born straight into God's arms. Love you my angel.
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Re: Not sure what to do

Postby kerisue » Wed Sep 28, 2011 04:36 pm

It's a tough position you are in, to try and balance your sister's needs and your love for her with your own needs and desire to try again. However, don't be too panicked about the timeline- you are 29 not 39 so you have plenty of time to try again, a few months while your sister gets back on her feet aren't going to mean much at your age as far as your ability to have a baby. I think it's a decision that you and your husband need to make together about what is best for you both. If that means asking your sister to move out then that is what you need to do as tough as it may be.
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed
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Re: Not sure what to do

Postby rosemary » Wed Sep 28, 2011 10:33 pm

I am so incrediby sorry for the loss of your Joseph. Losing a child is without a doubt one of the most difficult and stressful situations in life. You have a lot on your plate to deal with right now. You obviously love and care for your sister very much, but as you noted, she needs to find a way to take care of herself. Is there someone else in your family, or does your sister have a friend that could help her out? Perhaps a career counselor, or staffing agency can help her find new employment.

Please remember to take care of yourself, it's so very important. Wishing you peace and healing. (((HUGS)))
Rosemary - 47 - Central, PA
Momma to Kayleigh 8/25/88 - 36 weeks
Elliott 8/29/04 - lost at 20 weeks due to severe PE/HELLP
Proud Grandma to Max Allen 10/19/10.
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Re: Not sure what to do

Postby catherine » Fri Sep 30, 2011 09:13 pm

You are in a very tough spot and I can only imagine how difficult it is for you and your husband right now.

I would just suggest that you remember that you may need to think in the same kind of terms as the airlines do when they tell you that in "the event of a loss of oxygen that you apply your own mask before assisting others". By this I mean that you have very important emotional needs right now and a lot of healing to achieve, both for yourself and together with your husband as you work towards some peace after the loss of Joseph, and for hope in the future. Much as you love your sister, you've a lot on your plate too and I agree with Rosemary, both of you could benefit by bringing other friends or counselors on board to help her with her issues and to relieve the stress on your family.
Mom to Finn, Lucy (HELLP syndrome) and Chloe
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