The journey after loosing a lil' one is anything but linear, which makes it so difficult, as you see brighter days and then have one that knocks you down. It's such a process of continually getting back up and it can be exhausting. What I've found is that as the years go by, there are still those days that knock you down, but the getting up becomes easier and faster as you've practiced it so often. I hope the same will hold true for you.
I'm sorry some of the test results coming back haven't been as healing as you had hoped, and what a surprise to find out it was a lil' boy! What a lil' trickster you have on your hands. I remember getting some of our results back and expecting to feel "better" after and it didn't happen, it was a let down, but I guess in retrospect I know that no answers would ever be good enough because I couldn't imagine a reason good enough anyone could have given me to have taken my lil' girl.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Be gentle with yourself, This is a long difficult road best walked with others.
2008-Our Baby Girl, PTL born too early at 30w6d, Fought so hard... Forever Loved & Missed
2010- Lil' Bro, Pre-E at 29 weeks... Induced at 36w6d, Born 37w
2012- Lil' Sis, Super-imposed pre-e at 25 weeks, PTL & GD at 35 weeks, Evicted 36w