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My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

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My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

Postby BBC » Thu Aug 16, 2012 03:55 pm

by BBC (12 Posts), Thu Aug 16, 2012 03:55 pm

A good friend of mine, who was my pregnancy buddy, had a beautiful healthy baby girl yesterday. She was about 20 weeks along when my son was delivered stillborn. I am so happy for her and her husband, and relieved the baby is here and all is well. But I’m also incredibly depressed. She delivered in the same hospital as I did, and I can’t stop day dreaming….. Reliving my experience except tacking on her ending to my story. Am now I’m nervous to see her and the baby, because I don’t want to seem weird. But I’m not sure I can be around her baby, or anyone’s baby for that matter.
Has anyone gone through a similar experience?
BBC (31)
Mommy to Ricky
Stillborn 3.13.12 @ 34+4 wks due to Severe Pre-E. 5 lb & 1 oz. Always loved and missed.
MC at 9 weeks May 2011
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Re: My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

Postby wooleybear » Thu Aug 16, 2012 04:32 pm

by wooleybear (44 Posts), Thu Aug 16, 2012 04:32 pm

im so sorry for your loss. all my friends have kids it seems these days. i lost my first one, soleil, and have no others. most of them are a little older, like at least 2yrs and up. i do have one friend that has an 8 month old by now. it has been hard to be around my friends with kids, but i just try to enjoy the moment and laugh and play with the kids. don't get me wrong, it has made me cry at night and contemplate my lost daughter soleil. but some days in a weird way i just wanted to hold and snuggle my friends babies, it brought some peace. everyone is different. you can always try it out and come up with an escape plan if you feel overwhelmed and im sure your friend will understand and be considerate towards you. take your time and don't feel guilty if you have a rush of different emotions.
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Re: My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

Postby mychaelelaine » Thu Aug 16, 2012 06:28 pm

by mychaelelaine (195 Posts), Thu Aug 16, 2012 06:28 pm

I'm so sorry. It always tears me up when experiences similar to my own. I was definitely that way after my daughter was delivered. I was very upset seeing anyone pregnant. I hope you find yourself able to visit but until that time, hopefully she understands.
10/17/2011 ~ Mychael Elaine was born sleeping. We miss and will always love you!
9/16/2012 ~ Michael Leon was born, God is so good! Severe pre-e again, induced at 34 weeks, c-section due to baby's heart decelerating with each contraction. 1 week in NICU. I'm done! :)
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Re: My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

Postby Nanay11 » Thu Aug 16, 2012 07:58 pm

by Nanay11 (7 Posts), Thu Aug 16, 2012 07:58 pm

I'm sorry to hear about your loss... I can relate to how you feel because I just lost my son this past weekend. I hope to find comfort n understanding from these forums.

when the nurse was taking me from the delivery room I was in to the postpartum I felt that way seeing this pregnant lady in labor walking around. I told my husband about how I felt n he thought it was wrong for me to feel that way because he wouldn't wish what we just went through on anyone even on his most hated worse enemy (if he had one). I told him I know it was wrong bUt I just felt that way. You are entitled to feel how you feel because noone knows the pain ur going through exactly unless they've been there. All everyone can do is be there for u n be understanding. Your friend should understand if u don't visit right away if she doesn't then it's wrong on her part not to be sensitive enough about your feelings. I'm blessed that my DH and I already have a healthy 3 1/2 year old but it still doesn't ease the pain of loosing our second son.

You will visit and be happy for her when you are ready but in the mean time your friend should understand why.

There is no greater pain than loosing a child.
Kai - born 11/24/2008 a healthy 3 1/2 yr old was born two days prior to due date due to Pre em
Angel - 08/12/2012 born 22 1/2 weeks due to sever Pre e and HELLP. Forever remembered an loved.
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Re: My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

Postby m » Fri Aug 17, 2012 00:29 am

by m (140 Posts), Fri Aug 17, 2012 00:29 am

Yes, I think feeling like this is very common. I wasn't able to be around any babies for a very long time after my son died. Even now, more than 3 years later, and after a successful pregnancy it is still hard for me to hear about others having easy pregnancies with happy endings. It brings back lots of emotions, jealousy, guilt for feeling jealous, and a lot of feelings that are just too hard to describe. Of course none of us would wish a loss on anyone, but it seems so unfair to be surrounded by babies and pregnant women after a loss. I completely understand where you're coming from. If you want to visit your friend, then you should. Some people find it very comforting. If you don't want to, then just let her know it will be too hard for you to be around anyone's babies for a while. If she is truly your friend she will understand. You need to do what is right for you. There will be a time when you are ready to be around your friend's baby, and only you can know when that will be. In the meantime, don't feel guilty about not visiting.
DS 2/5/09 - 2/13/09; severe PE at 28 weeks
DD March 2010; PIH, preterm labor at 36 weeks, 10 days NICU
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Re: My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

Postby MomTimesThree » Fri Aug 17, 2012 02:55 am

by MomTimesThree (571 Posts), Fri Aug 17, 2012 02:55 am

Like everyone else, I think it is very common. I certainly had the same reaction, and in fact never held or even touched a baby, and I was around many, in the year and half that I said goodbye to our daughter and said hello to our son. And you know what? I don't think any of my friends ever noticed. It wasn't a big deal to them, but it was a huge deal to me, and I chose to put my feelings first.

It's ok to put your needs first. In the grand scheme of things, if you do something that will cause you great grief right now, you'll remember if for a very long time. Your friend, I don't think will remember or even notice if you take a little longer to visit. Send a card, email, text, whatever will keep you feeling peaceful. It's very kind of you to consider her feelings, and I know that's what makes you a wonderful friend, at the same time it's also ok to be considerate of your needs and your journey.
2008-Our Baby Girl, PTL born too early at 30w6d, Fought so hard... Forever Loved & Missed
2010- Lil' Bro, Pre-E at 29 weeks... Induced at 36w6d, Born 37w
2012- Lil' Sis, Super-imposed pre-e at 25 weeks, PTL & GD at 35 weeks, Evicted 36w
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Re: My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

Postby bsherricca » Fri Aug 17, 2012 01:57 pm

by bsherricca (45 Posts), Fri Aug 17, 2012 01:57 pm

unfortunately i know exactly how you feel ...i lost my first, baby Daniel earlier this year in May and I too have 2 other friends whose dues dates were very close to mine ... 1 just had her baby who i havent yet met .... you are doing a lot better than I am because i have avoided them since Daniel left ...i just cant cope seeing a baby right now all i can think about is the fact that i will never have an opportunity to hold my child ....
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Re: My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

Postby kerisue » Sat Aug 18, 2012 07:57 pm

by kerisue (623 Posts), Sat Aug 18, 2012 07:57 pm

I couldn't hold or be around other people's babies for the first year after I lost Millie. Now I can, although some people's babies I have a harder time with than others. Sure you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but you do have to protect yourself to a certain extent. My cousin was pregnant at the same time as me. She lives out of state so her baby joy wasn't in my face right after my loss, but when she visited months later I was honest with her and told that I just couldn't come and visit and I explained why; she was understanding and didn't take it personally.
Mama to Millie
born June 2010 @ 24 wks. gestation due to my severe PE and CHF
lived 25 days, loved and missed
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Re: My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

Postby babyjames » Sun Sep 09, 2012 09:07 pm

by babyjames (9 Posts), Sun Sep 09, 2012 09:07 pm

My friend had her baby girl yesterday too... like you BBC she was a pregnancy buddy of mine, we swapped stories and together looked forward to having our first babies. Like you feeling weird and feeling nervous about seeing her baby (n my case seeing her pic in Facebook) and just like you I also feel very depressed about it. Ever since being diagnosed with PE May of this year I have been in this very strange place and "world" of PE. Even though it's been months after my son has passed away and that I no longer have the disease I still feel that I am living the horrible emotions that accompanied it. I never considered myself a envious kind of person but this time I do feel it esp when I hear about my friends having healthy pregnancies and delivering gorgeous babies. It fustrates me and angers me that I feel this way! It seems so unfair that everyone else around me is going through this happy and positive experience except me. And when I look at some of these people I think to myself "what gave them the advantage over me?? they don't seem to be that healthy to begin with and in fact some of them smoked and drank before pregnancy while I never have touched the stuff!! Although that friend of mine had told me that she had considered my feelings and so she minimised the "pregnancy/baby/labour talk" in FB it didn't really lift me up when she posted pics of her baby's room and furniture... seeing that just reminded me all over again the loss, pain and what could have been if not for PE. Since then I have been back to that strange world of PE again emotion-wise and I hate it. I understand that I have to learn how to cope with such things but it's so hard and noone seems to understand except for the women here who have been throught it before. Since losing my son I have been worrying about how will I feel about my friends' babies and how will I react to them.. it really is a tough battle - on one hand you want to be happy and excited for them but on the other you feel extremely envy and sadness and pity for yourself.

so just like you BBC I know how it feels and I know the emotions that drives you. I have read quite a few advices and tips online on how to deal with this situation and I found avoidance is probably the best way of dealing with it. It's true that as time goes the pain lessens but it never goes away.. just lessens with time. I find the women here in this site are very understanding and helpful with advice so spending time here does help the feeling. And also some people say to tell your friend exactly what you're going through and how you're feeling about it although I haven't done it I will probably will write to my friend and tell her that I am not coping very well and that I will have to avoid her and her baby for awhile... hopefully she will understand that.

all the best xoxo
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Re: My Friend had a Baby yesterday......

Postby uncskristy » Wed Sep 12, 2012 08:03 am

by uncskristy (171 Posts), Wed Sep 12, 2012 08:03 am

I just now saw this post or I would have posted sooner.
I know exactly how you feel. My best friend and I had our first children two and a half months apart so when we found out we were pregnant with our second children and due six weeks apart it seemed perfect. Unfortunately Cooper did not make it. It took me a while before I could see Jordan after she was born. A two and half hour drive makes it more difficult to see them and that was a good thing at first for me. I did realize pretty quickly though that my choice was let PE win again and cause another loss by me being afraid of seeing my friend and her family or find the strength to fight through the pain. Two and half years later it still difficult atlthough not as difficult as the first few times. Every time I see Jordan I think of Cooper and I doubt that will ever change. But the alternative of letting PE win again and losing my friendship with my best friend was worst to me. Now had it been another friend I may not cared enough to fight through the pain but of course you are the only that can make that decision.
Kristy
Mommy of Three Boys- Davis 10/4/2007(No PE, overbaked at 40wks, 2 days),
Cooper 5/20/2010-5/21/2010 (born too early at 24wks, 2 days due to severe PE) and
Blaine 10/11/11 (35wks, 6 days, mild but quick moving PE)
Wife to Matthew since 6/11/2005
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