Just saying hi....

[e_allen]

hello again everyone. ethan and i are doing okay. we have our ups and downs as i'm sure you all have had. we have recieved lots of love and support from everyone, although we have also experienced those that do not know how much their words can hurt. we have lots of questions, some that can be answered and some that can't. i have a drs appt that ethan and i are going to together on tues.

i know i have begun to heal, with out ethan i wouldn't be able to get through. i bought some books about grieving and getting pregnant after a loss but i haven't taken them out of the bag yet. and i still haven't talked to anyone besides ethan and our parent - oh but we did visit my grandparents (my grandma lost her last child to placental abruption in 1960) i can't talk about what happened yet and i can't hear about how other people have moved on already.

i find myself resenting others that are pregnant or have babies, especially when they don't take care of themselves or children. like a friend of mine that got pregnant but continued to use cocaine but still had a beautiful baby girl. shes one now and my friend and her fiancee continue to use drugs, even while their child is in the room. they say they quit coke but i've walked in several times when they had been smoking pot. i just feel like ethan and i are more deserving of a child then those kind of people. how come they were blessed with a perfect pregnancy and a beautiful child and we had a very difficult pregnancy and lost our child?

i miss janell so much i feel as though i could die if i just layed in bed long enough. she was so beautiful and i would give anything just to hold her again. i know part of me is still in denial. i think part of me will alway be. i keep thinking that there must be some sort of mistake and i'll wake up or get a call saying i'm still pregnant or the baby took a breath and is fine. the ultra sound machine must have been broken. but i gave birth to her, and held he limp body long after she had become cold.

i hate being away from ethan now. he's pretty much the only one that can make me feel better. and i wish we could have sex. there is so much comfort in sex but we can't until i stop bleeding. at times it seems the only way i'll ever start to feel normal again is when we get pregnant but we can't even try with out an okay from the dr. i know another child will never replace janell or fill the hole he death left in my heart but it would make things better in a different way.

my milk has come in and my breasts are hard and painful. the nurses told me this should only last a week. i hate my body now. i feel odd not having a belly. its like you put up with your jiggley skin and fat thighs you get after pregnancy because you have a baby to show for it but we have nothing to show for it. just memories. memories of the worst time in our lives.

thanks for reading, i know this is long - i'm proud of you if you made it through the entire thing.



Liz
Janell Victory stillborn @ 31 weeks

[ann marie]

Oh Liz,

I'm keeping you and your husband in my prayers. I cannot imagine the pain and saddness that you are feeling. Please keep us updated on how you are doing and let us know if we can help in any way. Hugs,

Ann Marie (29)Moderator for "Ask the Experienced"
DH: Matt (32)
PIH/PE/Low Amniotic Fluid
Luke 3/17/04--37 weeks after 15 weeks of bedrest

[josiah1112]

Liz,

I really wish I could give everyone that posts
here their baby back. I know all of the feelings
you describe quite well. Please be gentle on
yourself. Be assertive with people. Sometimes
in their desire to make you feel better they will
throw quick fix responses at you- sometimes these
can be even more painful than how you will feel
with the people who say nothing. Please know that
we are here for you. You have a long grieving
journey ahead of you. Take it slow and do what you
find most helpful to you. If it is reading than
read, if it is writing in a journal than write.
I would also recommend you checking out a perinatal
bereavement group. It will help to meet other mothers
who have lost children. I overheard my husband say
one day that all of my new friends have dead babies.
If you pursue this, these friendships will prove to
be invaluable to you. Take care of yourself,
Gloria

PS I recommend you reading Grieving for the Child
I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom

[sarab]

Liz,

Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel for you and Ethan right now. Please know that you are in my prayers, and that I am thinking about you often.

Please let us know if there's anything, anything at all, that we can do for you.

Hugs,

Sara, 24
Local Coordinator, Utah
Moderator, "After Your Baby is Born"

DH, Scott, 26
Maggie Lylas, 6/9/03, 29 weeks, severe pre-e
Surprise, surprise! #2 EDD March 10, 2005

http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/m/maggielylas/

[julie f]

Oh Liz, I am just so sorry and wish I could reach through and give you a hug.

I can relate to so much of what you have said, I have been there and in some ways I feel like I will always be there.

I had a very hard time with pregnant women. Put me in a room with a "normal," no-risk pregnant woman and I thouht I would climb the walls. Right or wrong, I always assumed that they didn't know lucky they were, they couldn't possibly appreciate that life inside them like I now could, and, how dare they complain about their pregnancies... I used to avoid pregnant women at all costs. Even still, I have a hard time talking about my pregnancy with someone who hasn't experienced preeclampsia.

I also had a very difficult time being away from my husband. I wanted no one but him, no family, no friends, I just wanted to be as close to him as I could get. When he went back to work, there were days when I would literally stay in bed the whole time he was gone...

I am so sorry about the pain you're experiencing with the milk, it's horribly cruel to have to endure that after losing your baby. One thing that helped me was to put ice packs on my chest while I was in bed.

Please do whatever you can to take care of yourself and Ethan right now. I spent far too much time worrying about what others' thought, needed, expected, etc. after Zach died and looking back, I would ignore it all...

Liz, again I am just so sorry. I pray for peace and comfort for you and Ethan. Please email me anytime, pelote77@aol.com

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator

[hannahsmom]

Liz -

You will be in my prayers. I'm so sorry.

Suzanne
Mommy to Miss Hannah Rose
26.5 weeker born 8/24/01
severe pre-e & IUGR
1 pound, 1 ounce
12 inches
Miracles do happen!

[angelkat]

Liz,

It's so normal with the things you are feeling. Grief is not an easy process and no two people have the same grief. I'm so sorry for your loss, no words could ever say how sad I am for you and your family.

Please give yourself time for the grief process to even to start. It took me a very long time before I even felt like a human again.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you need anything please feel free to e-mail me or even call me collect!!....

Sending you hugs and love

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(13)PE 37 wks
Ky (11)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey Looking at Aug
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

[tinalowe]

Liz,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It just doesn't seem fair for any mother to lose their child. I used to look at other women and wonder why? What was so different about me that my precious baby had to die and theirs got to live. It's something we will never understand and unfortunately there are no answers. I too missed my dh. He was off work and with me for an entire week. When he went back to work it was so hard all I did was slept and cried I wanted so bad for him to be there. I am sure I speak for all of us when I say we are here anytime you need to talk. I know most of us have never met but we are all bound together by this horrible disease and the tragedy it has wrought on our lives. I love this board and it's people, you are the only ones who can fully understand the feelings we share.

Tina 23
DH Dereck 26

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03
ttc#2

[tanya]

Oh Liz,

I am having such a hard time responding to your last post because my alligator tears are getting in the way. I again am sooo sorry you and Ethan are having to go through this difficult time. Please know you guys are in my thoughts and prayers.[:(]

Take Care,
Tanya
Jason(DH)
Leah born 2/4/99 at 34 weeks ...PIH
Miscarriage 10 weeks
Grant born 3/29/01 at 31 weeks... Severe PE
Miracle #3 EDD 01/27/05

[amillhouse]

Liz:
Thanks for your candor - I think it also helps to share, though I am not very good at it (at least not verbally). I have felt so much of what you descibed. At 5.5 months from Isaiah's death everything is still quite raw. I don't know how long it takes but we have to go through it I suppose. We are here for you.

Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]