I just don't know

[amillhouse]

This is a rant or vent or something - just need to get some feelings out. . .

i hate my life

i hate weekends

i hate church

i don't know if these feelings are ever going to end

i want out

Someone actually told my DH (at church) that God told him to tell me that enough is enough, that I must go back to the way I was, etc. So many well-intentioned STUPID christians.[:(!]

Guys, I just don't know what to do. I am so at a loss and I feel so alone in this, that no one in my life truly understands. DH is trying so hard but I am putting him through *. How can I get better? I am in counselling and group therapy. I journal. I read. What? I just don't know. . .[V]

Thank you for listening.

Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

[tinalowe]

Anika I wish I could give you one great big hug. I am so sorry for the way that you are feeling, but it is normal. Everyone grieves in their own way and NO ONE has the right to say when you will get over it. Words cannot express how deeply I feel for you and what you are going through. Losing our precious babies is the hardest thing in the owrld, and no one can understand unless they have been in our shoes. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I believe a child is the greatest gift we as women can receive, and to have that child taken away is the worst grief. People just don't understand we will never be exactly the way we were. Our lives have been changed forever by the loss of our angels.

Tina 23
DH Dereck 26

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03
ttc#2

[5thtymachrm]

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

There is nothing i can say that could possibly make you feel better. Just know that we all care and send you tons of hugs and love and the chance at peace someday.

Elizabeth

Indigo E. 11/20/03:37wks, PIH
ttc #2 is a go!

[julie f]

Oh Anika, your heart has been broken in the worst way and there is no way to get around it, only through it. And getting through it is something that happens at its own dreadful pace. No one can tell you when it's over or, where you're at in the process. Tina is right, no one can understand what you have been through unless they've lost their child as well. No one else can ever understand what it is like to hold your son as his spirit goes to heaven and you are left here without him, no one.

Andy and I have yet to make it through a church service without crying and it has been over a year since Zach died now. Last Sunday we sat down and talked with the Pastor who performed Zach's service. We asked him, how do we make it through without crying? How do we sing the songs and make a joyful noise while our hearts are still broken? How do I keep from looking around the curch and thinking, you people have no idea what I've been through, has your child just died? His answer - "You don't." He said that it may be years until we're able to do that. He said that grief doesn't end or, take a break on Sunday morning when you walk through the doors. I still want to know "how," but, I guess that is something no one can answer.

Has your counselor tried any medications? I know that they can be of huge help to some people and it's definitely something worth checking out.

I don't know how to make it better but, I wish I did. I would take your pain away in a heartbeat if I could. For me, one of the hardest times was when the world returned to normal and I was left forever changed. I walked out to my mailbox one day and there were no cards in it, they had stopped coming and I realized that people had gone back to their lives, back to work, back to their kids, off on their vacations, etc. It was a very strange reality and I had such a hard time with it.

Anika, I am so sorry. You are in my prayers and thoughts.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator

[for faith]

Anika ~ I want to send you big HUGS too. It is so hard, some days I just don't want to get out of bed. Some days I feel as though I am living in * now. We can never be the same person we were and if people don't get it, too bad. I can't deal with crowded parties or things like church well at all any more.

I hope that you are able to find some peace as we all continue this journey of life.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH)
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 9/02

[heatherbbb]

Anika,
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You will always be a different person. This experience has changed you. Try to ignore the stupid things that people say. I believe that they mean well, but are just sometimes clueless. You are doing all the right things with the counselling, therapy, and venting here at the preeclampsia forum. Grief takes time and is different for everyone. Give yourself time. I understand some of what you are going through. I too lost a son in February. It's the hardest and worst thing that has ever happened to me. Please hang in there! It is eventually going to get better. Just keep doing the good things you are doing. The healing will start. I looked at pictures of Isaiah and he was beautiful! The tubes and equipment looked all too familiar. I wish you all the best!

Love,
Heather

Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with baby # 2 Feb 1, 2005

[e_allen]

there is nothing that people can say to take away your pain. just know that we are right there with you. the chaplin (sp?) at the hospital told us that greif comes in waves like the ocean. sometimes you are fine and then a wave comes over you, then it passes. other times the waves are bigger and they totally knock you down, and you stay under longer. but you'll come back up again eventually. it sounds like you are doing everything you can, just make sure you are being honest with everyone. dont pretend you are okay if you arent. and do your best to ignore other peoples comments, they dont know what to say and are just trying to help - even though it usually hurts. one of my most hated things i hear is that everything happens for a reason. like that is supposed to make me feel better. we lost our first born for some secret reason that no one will ever know - yeah, that helps. we are all different, take your time. we are all here bobbing in the waves with you.



Liz
Janell Victory stillborn July 25, 2004 @ 31 weeks

[josiah1112]

Anika,

This is hard! Please do not get discouraged. You
are coping better with this than you think. Losing
a baby is the hardest thing anyone can ever go through.
A friend of mine was telling me yesterday, that there
are some people that never "get over" losing a child.
They become depressed are are motivated to do nothing.
This makes us champs - we go out; interact with people
and went back to work.

I think changing things up in your life could be
helpful to you at the moment. Is there an afternoon
church service that you could perhaps go to instead
of the morning one? A frined was telling me about
a renown doctor. He's a naturalist. When people go
to see him (almost as their last stop before death)
he always tells them to change things up in their lives,
for example- change your furniture at home. Never
wear the clothes you were wearing when you got the
dreadful diagnosis; etc.

I believe that moving has def. helped my healing
process. It's given me a new beginning. My previous
home would have had too many painful reminders for
me. I would have shed much more tears and I would
have felt "stuck" in a dreadful phase of my life.

Please take care of your relationship with your
husband. I have been told that the tragedy of
losing a child binds you closer to your partner,
but as time goes on friction erupts which can
threaten a marriage. Men really have it hard with
this. Your DH probably feels terrible that he
could not "protect" his family. My husband told
me about 3 months after we lost our son that at
the beginning he was acting all strong because one
of his friends told him that he needed to be "strong"
for me.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom

[e_allen]

i totally agree! i dyed my hair! i went from brown to blonde!
and am doing some home redecoration!




Liz
Janell Victory stillborn July 25, 2004 @ 31 weeks

[amillhouse]

Thanks all. Life is just so hard right now.[V] Yes we used to go to both services but now I go to morning only. But I think it is worse. Perhaps I should switch to evening.

Moving is something I have thought about. It is hard when you have been living in another country (South Africa) for three years and are in many ways disconnected from friends and family at home (States) yet at the same time just building trust within relationships here, so it is hard to know where to tunr. DH has "moved on" but he probably was never where I am. Plus my DH is in school and I am the breadwinner. We bought this beautiful old victorian thinking we would start our family here. Now I walk pass Isaiah's room with heavy shoulders. I never even got a chance to decorate it because I was in hospital right at that time. It just stands empty and cold. Thank you for listening. It is so hard not to be hard on myself. I guess I have always been that kind of person. Everything triggers me - especially things at work which is very sensitive because it is the only place that I feel I can make a contibution in my life.

Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]