Post Reply FAQ Members Login

dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

Postby e_allen » Sat Aug 07, 2004 02:34 am

by e_allen (155 Posts), Sat Aug 07, 2004 02:34 am

I have been getting really scared lately thinking about the next pregnancy. I know that’s totally normal so I’m not worried. But here’s the thing. Janell was a surprise and, at the time, Ethan and I weren't married. He was very unsure about how to feel. When we found out I was already 10 weeks along, neither of us had jobs and we were living at my parents (in separate rooms!) Ethan didn’t know if he really wanted her. He was scared. He was one of those people who don’t consider a fetus a life until it’s born. well then I started to show and he got a great job and we moved and got married and found out it was a girl and he felt her kick tons and as time went on he loved her more than he ever thought he would. I think he realized that when we lost her.

So my concern was that he would be like that with the next too. I'm going to be scared to death and I don’t want to feel alone too. so Ethan and I were laying in bed and I just said, "how much do you want a baby?" he said, "ever?" with alarm in his voice I explained that of course I want kids but what about now. His answer? "I want another baby as soon as possible with my whole heart." oh, this made me feel really good. Some of my fears actually went away. He wants to make more of an effort with the next - be more involved from the beginning and especially after 20 weeks.

So I just thought I’d share that. Is anyone else TTC or preggo right now or had a baby after a loss? How do you handle it? What were/are your plans - like are you going to get stuff for the baby before it’s born - or wait to name it or find out the sex to try and stay "distant"? Are you afraid of getting too attached?

Also, who else is in Washington? since I was going to be a stay at home mom I have a lot of time until school starts (did I tell you guys I am going back to school - I only need like 5 more classes to get my degree) so I was wondering if anyone would like to get coffee or lunch sometime. Or does anyone attend the loss support groups?

And one more: does anyone have AOL instant messenger? My screen name is doherty twinfish IM me if you see me on!

Thanks for reading!



Liz
Janell Victory stillborn July 25, 2004 @ 31 weeks
e_allen
Registered User
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2004 02:18 pm

Re : dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

Postby rachelt » Sat Aug 07, 2004 04:49 am

by rachelt (36 Posts), Sat Aug 07, 2004 04:49 am

Hi Liz!

As you well know, I'm not prego right now, but I have a similar story as well. When I got preg. it was also a suprise, I was planning on moving out and leaving my boyfriend!! I had just graduated from college, and I was on my way to going to a teaching fellowship program. I had been with my boyfriend 5 years, and I was just plain tired!! Well, anyway, I can't believe this now, I wanted to have an abortion!! A baby was simply not in my plans lol!! Well, I could not get an abortion-I just couldn't do it, and I won't ever do it! My boyfriend and I got soooo close over our pregnancy, and are planning to get married in November! I feel that the baby did not die in vain this way, he brought Mommy and Daddy so close together! Now, I'm not going back to get my masters until I have a successful pregnancy and a new healthy baby!! Talk about a 360 turn, it's more like a 480, this baby has changed my life forever!

-Rachel T.

Michael Elijah George Graham Stillborn June 12, 2004
My Precious Angel Baby
rachelt
Registered User
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 03:35 pm

Re : dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

Postby angelkat » Sat Aug 07, 2004 07:33 am

by angelkat (3423 Posts), Sat Aug 07, 2004 07:33 am

Liz....

It's so normal to ask all the same questions your asking. All I wanted after Katlyne died was to have another baby right away. I was so mad at my DH when he said he was just not ready yet to TTC again that I got very mad at him. It wasn't until Katlyne's first birthday and the thought of another baby was on the back burner when he said he was ready to TTC.

I spent my whole preg wondering when and if PE would return, and I didn't buy anything until I passed the 28 week milestone. I really didn't buy anything major until 30 weeks etc. We didn't even get the crib until I was in the hospital. Just goes to show how I was feeling.

I for one which I lived in the Washington Area as their is alot of the ladies in that area (or closed to it) even if it was just to reach out and give you a hug. I didn't do the support groups, I turned my attention and focus on what I can do to help. I know Katlyne wouldn't want me to be sad all the time and see helps me get thru my days. I know she is my light and shinning angel right along side me.

My prayers for comfort and peace are with you....


Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V
angelkat
Registered User
 
Posts: 3423
Joined: Thu May 08, 2003 10:26 am

Re : dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

Postby julie f » Sat Aug 07, 2004 12:37 am

by julie f (7993 Posts), Sat Aug 07, 2004 12:37 am

Liz,

I was much like T, I wanted to try again right away after we lost Zach. Had my doctors let me, I would've begun trying that very next month... My doctor told us six months, even then I prayed that the pill would fail. Six months came and I was so ready to go, then DH decided he wasn't quite. Frustrated, I tried to understand. Then, we ended up seeing anouther specialist who wanted me to try some medication for a couple months before we started TTC. Finally, nine months later we started TTC. I'll tell you, when I saw the two lines, it was a mixture of terror and joy. My hand was shaking so much as I took the test that it's a wonder I didn't make a huge mess... We're 12 weeks, 4 days and I am absolutely thrilled but, always on my guard and waiting for something to go wrong.

About getting stuff for the baby and the nursery... I go back and forth on this. DH says to go for it, he says that I need to expect that we will bring a baby home. Frankly, I don't trust my body enough to have that expectation. Last week we were at Costco and I saw the cutest little baby books, at a great price and so I threw them in the cart without even thinking. As we're walkig through the aisles, I took the books out to go return them to their spot. I realized that I was assuming I would be having a baby to read these books to and I instantly got scared that my "assumptions" were just that and not fact... DH ended up talking me into buying the books and now they sit with all of Zach's things that I never opened. Yesterday, on my own, I also bought 2 cute little jammie sets, I felt like it was a big step for me... I'm torn, I want to act like a "normal" pregnant person, I want to decorate the nursery, I want to arrange all the baby stuff, I want to be excited about a baby shower, etc. but, I am so scared. Part of me realizes that this might be the last pregnacy I ever have so, I want to enjoy it like it's going out of style, do all the things that everyone does. I don't know, I'm just trying to take it day by day and we'll see what we're up for each day. We hadn't started the nursery when I was pregnant with Zach and when I came home, I was so thankful, I didn't know how I'd walk by the room each day. DH really wants to do the nursery and part of me does too so, we'll see, I'm trying.

I'm leaning towards finding out the sex this time, we didn't with Zach. Hearing, "It's a boy," was about the only good surprise we got last time but, I feel like I need to know as much as I can going tinto the delivery room this time. I think it's kind of a control issue for me since last time was so the opposite.

Anyway, sorry that I went on to ramble...

I am so glad that Janell brought you and Ethan closer, that is a wonderful tribute to her life.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator
User avatar
julie f
Registered User
 
Posts: 7993
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 11:56 am

Re : dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

Postby tinalowe » Sat Aug 07, 2004 02:24 pm

by tinalowe (288 Posts), Sat Aug 07, 2004 02:24 pm

Liz,

We are currently ttc again and I am petrified, but excited at the same time. With Emma once I passed the first trimester I never thought about losing her. NEVER. Now all my naieve conceptions about pregnancy are gone and I realize how quickly my life can change in an instant. I think that those of us who have suffered pre-e and especially those of us who have lost our angels will never be able to have a completely "normal" pregnancy, at least emotionally. I am terrified that I may lose another, but I want the chance. My two greatest fears in life have always been 1-That I couldn't conceive and 2-That I would lose a child. Nothing I have ver been through prepared me for what happened and I have dealt with death since an early age. I just try to put my faith in God, but there are times when I am doubtful, it's only human nature. If/when I do get pg again I don't know if I will be able to buy much; actually I don't need too much I was given a lot of things when pg with Emma. I want so much to be able to give my next pg the excitement, attention, and devotion that I gave my first; however I am scared that I won't be able to. I found out what we were having with my first and I plan to do so again. As for names, I already have them picked out, chose them before i lost Emma. (well the girl name i have is my second choice).

I hope that you and DH find the peace you need before ttc again. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Tina 23
DH Dereck 26

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03 severe pre-e
ttc#2

tinalowe
Registered User
 
Posts: 288
Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2004 09:46 pm

Re : dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

Postby annegarrett » Sat Aug 07, 2004 04:06 pm

by annegarrett (2525 Posts), Sat Aug 07, 2004 04:06 pm

There is a great group in Washington and we would love to be there for you every step of the way. We don't currently have a grief and loss group but we do have enough people that we could organize one. You should post this request in the WA chapter thread (below) and the organizers can get on it. I think they are both away with personal things (campaigns and moves...ho hum...;)) but would definitely respond when they could.

Anne Garrett
Executive Director
Preeclampsia Foundation
User avatar
annegarrett
Registered User
 
Posts: 2525
Joined: Tue Jan 21, 2003 01:58 pm
Location: Lake Stevens, Washington

Re : dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

Postby for faith » Tue Aug 10, 2004 09:31 am

by for faith (1749 Posts), Tue Aug 10, 2004 09:31 am

Liz ~ HUGS to you. I am also TTC now after my loss in January. We are starting to try now and I am scared to death, I think anyone would be. I had a miscarriage before Faith, which totally shocked and devisitated me, so I was already kind of distant until I passed the 1st trimester. I am worried this time I will have a very hard time, but DH really wants to try and enjoy the pregnancy, like my first, when I was totally innocent. Unfortunately, after what we have been through, none of us will ever have that back. We can just try and do our best. Meeting with a dr. who really has a plan has helped me feel a little better, know it will just be getting through each stage and not go crazy.

That is wonderful about you and DH, it is amazing how this experience changes our lives. Best of luck with your school and hope you find a great support group. Keep us posted on how you are doing.



Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH (just told by peri it was mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 9/02
for faith
Registered User
 
Posts: 1749
Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2004 02:15 pm

Re : dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

Postby houstygirl » Wed Aug 11, 2004 08:36 pm

by houstygirl (28 Posts), Wed Aug 11, 2004 08:36 pm

I am currently about 9 weeks pregnant and worried as heck. I am not going to get my hopes up. Nick says I'm ignoring the fact that I'm pregnant but I'm not, I'm just waiting to see if it all works out. I was told to wait one cycle before trying again and I concieved in the next.
I am very scared.
I am being seen by the specialist every week, and being scanned every week which is good. Last week I saw the wee heartbeat!
I know that whatever happens with this pregnancy I can cope. It is amazing how much we can actually deal with.

Mum to Angel baby Jonathan Douglas
born still 3rd April 2004 31wks, weighing 880gms
houstygirl
Registered User
 
Posts: 28
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2004 08:30 pm

Re : dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

Postby rachelt » Thu Aug 12, 2004 04:03 am

by rachelt (36 Posts), Thu Aug 12, 2004 04:03 am

Hi Housty!

Congratulations on your new pregnancy!!!!! Please, I wish you to have a very successful pregnancy, and please keep me abreast of what is happening, there may be a possibility that I am in the same situation, and I am currently waiting to see. I know what you mean about the fear, I'm afraid myself, but when I thought that I might be pregnant I was also very ecstatic, so, I'm not saying not to worry, I wish I could make you not do that, but enjoy it as much as you can.

-Rachel T.

Michael Elijah George Graham Stillborn June 12, 2004
My Precious Angel Baby
rachelt
Registered User
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 03:35 pm

Re : dh & I had a great talk/questions for you all

Postby e_allen » Thu Aug 12, 2004 04:20 pm

by e_allen (155 Posts), Thu Aug 12, 2004 04:20 pm

ethan emails me sometimes from work, just to tell me hi and that he loves me. i have to post what his email said from yesterday:

Honey - You never have to worry about my love for you or Janell. It's stronger than anything this universe can ever produce. I love you and Janell unconditionally. Yes I want another baby, more than you know. I think about it every day. I never have doubts and I never will leave you. We are combined for life and death and things are better honey, just keep looking forward.
I love you.
E

it made me feel so good...



Liz
Janell Victory stillborn July 25, 2004 @ 31 weeks
e_allen
Registered User
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2004 02:18 pm

Next

Return to Grief and Loss

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests