I was much like T, I wanted to try again right away after we lost Zach. Had my doctors let me, I would've begun trying that very next month... My doctor told us six months, even then I prayed that the pill would fail. Six months came and I was so ready to go, then DH decided he wasn't quite. Frustrated, I tried to understand. Then, we ended up seeing anouther specialist who wanted me to try some medication for a couple months before we started TTC. Finally, nine months later we started TTC. I'll tell you, when I saw the two lines, it was a mixture of terror and joy. My hand was shaking so much as I took the test that it's a wonder I didn't make a huge mess... We're 12 weeks, 4 days and I am absolutely thrilled but, always on my guard and waiting for something to go wrong.
About getting stuff for the baby and the nursery... I go back and forth on this. DH says to go for it, he says that I need to expect that we will bring a baby home. Frankly, I don't trust my body enough to have that expectation. Last week we were at Costco and I saw the cutest little baby books, at a great price and so I threw them in the cart without even thinking. As we're walkig through the aisles, I took the books out to go return them to their spot. I realized that I was assuming I would be having a baby to read these books to and I instantly got scared that my "assumptions" were just that and not fact... DH ended up talking me into buying the books and now they sit with all of Zach's things that I never opened. Yesterday, on my own, I also bought 2 cute little jammie sets, I felt like it was a big step for me... I'm torn, I want to act like a "normal" pregnant person, I want to decorate the nursery, I want to arrange all the baby stuff, I want to be excited about a baby shower, etc. but, I am so scared. Part of me realizes that this might be the last pregnacy I ever have so, I want to enjoy it like it's going out of style, do all the things that everyone does. I don't know, I'm just trying to take it day by day and we'll see what we're up for each day. We hadn't started the nursery when I was pregnant with Zach and when I came home, I was so thankful, I didn't know how I'd walk by the room each day. DH really wants to do the nursery and part of me does too so, we'll see, I'm trying.
I'm leaning towards finding out the sex this time, we didn't with Zach. Hearing, "It's a boy," was about the only good surprise we got last time but, I feel like I need to know as much as I can going tinto the delivery room this time. I think it's kind of a control issue for me since last time was so the opposite.
Anyway, sorry that I went on to ramble...
I am so glad that Janell brought you and Ethan closer, that is a wonderful tribute to her life.
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe
Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!
Southern California Coordinator