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Gotta get it off my chest

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Gotta get it off my chest

Postby tinalowe » Sun Aug 08, 2004 07:33 pm

by tinalowe (288 Posts), Sun Aug 08, 2004 07:33 pm

Hey you guys--I have had a pretty rough day--worst one in quite sometime--Today at church one of the ladies who just had a baby had her there and I almost lost it (we only have a congregation of about 60 so it is not something I have dealt with much since losing Emma) This was actually only the 2nd newborn I have had to deal with since my loss. The first one when I held her--something I knew I had to do for myself--all I did was cry the entire time. But today as all the women in church were ooo'ing and ahh'in I just couldn't bring myself to go near. They are having a shower for her next Sat and I know I can't go...I never even got to that point in my pregnancy and the though of sitting there literally makes me ill--I fell bad because it's not her fault and I know that but still I know I couldn't handle that yet...

When Emma was buried I was still in the hospital and didn't go...however I feel like everyone else got to say goodbye but me...I mentioned this to my mil today and she royally ticked me off...Emma was buried on Dec 31 the day before my nephew's birthday (which is why I decided to do it then I didn't want to totally ruin his b-day)...after I told my mil how I felt she had the audacity to throw the fact that it would have been on his b-day had I waited...I told her it's not that necessarily she had to be buried with me there I just wish I had thought to have some kind of memorial service to give me the chance to say good-bye..she started to say something to the effect that I was being irrational...as you can prbably imagine that didn't go over too well with me..I amnot a violent person and God forgive me, but if she had been anyone other than my mil saying that to me I would have probably slapped (I know that's bad)..I do resent the fact that others got the opportunity to be there when I couldn't and I also resent how easy it seems to have been for everyone to move on with their lives but I am stuck somewhere in limbo...a mother without a child to hold....

Oh well I guess that's enough for my "pity party" I just had to rant, complain, whatever to someone before I burst and I know you ladies understand where I am coming from more than anyone else ever will.

Tina 23
DH Dereck 26

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03 severe pre-e
ttc#2

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Re : Gotta get it off my chest

Postby gossamer » Sun Aug 08, 2004 07:41 pm

by gossamer (242 Posts), Sun Aug 08, 2004 07:41 pm

Tina,
I am so sorry you had such a hard time at church. I had a similar experience with a friend passing her newborn around to all the church grandma's and I was so sad I didn't ever get to pass Mary Rose around. So yes, I do understand where you are coming from and I am so sorry.
Gossamer

"Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. This is the miracle of life. " -Maureen Hawkins
http://www.f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/zonker29/album?.dir=/f23e
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Re : Gotta get it off my chest

Postby 5thtymachrm » Sun Aug 08, 2004 07:49 pm

by 5thtymachrm (909 Posts), Sun Aug 08, 2004 07:49 pm

{{{HUGS}}}}

My tears are dropping down my face for you. I never had to bury a baby but I can relate in the fact that my sister died 4 yrs ago and had to be cremated before we saw her. It took away my chance to say goodbye, to realize that she was really gone. It is not too late to have a memorial- obviously I wouldn't have your mil there do to her comments but I bet your dh and others would join you. Is there some way to put something together that will allow you closure?
About 2 yrs after my sister died we took her ashes to her favorite beach. we took her 5 children with us and we each spread a bit of the ashes into the water and said a few words about what we missed and loved about her. It was a dificult day but we all needed it. Time has made things easier I guess. I still cry when I think of her and I'll always miss her, I don't think that will ever change. But my life has to go on and as do her children.

I'm sorry, I hope this didn't go off in the wrong direction. Just know that I am thinking of you and Emma and my heart goes to you. I'm sending you big cyber hugs! I am sorry for the stupid things people say and how hard it is to see other babies. If I could I would bring back your Emma and make everything right, unfortunately I just can't do that.

much love and hugs,

Elizabeth

Indigo E. 11/20/03 csec,PE,IUGR,chronic HBP,hypothyroid,asthma,hyperemesis,33wks on BR.
4 prev. m/c's
ttc #2 is a go!
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Re : Gotta get it off my chest

Postby sharonda » Sun Aug 08, 2004 08:17 pm

by sharonda (37 Posts), Sun Aug 08, 2004 08:17 pm

I have missed my best friend's baby shower and I will be missing my cousin's baby shower this weekend. When there is a newborn around, I quietly excuse myself. I know my limits. I don't need to add more emotional stress to my lie and neither should you.
On another note, it is never too late to honor your child's memory. I have a special garden in my backyard that is just for Amaya. I made a stepping stone with her name on it. I never said goodbye to her because she is still alive in my heart. I go to her garden and talk to her whenever I need to.
Listen to your heart. Do what feels right to you. Honor your child in the way that helps you.

ShaRonda (29)
Amaya - HELLP and severe Pre-E at 21 weeks
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Re : Gotta get it off my chest

Postby dja » Sun Aug 08, 2004 08:54 pm

by dja (895 Posts), Sun Aug 08, 2004 08:54 pm

Tina - I've recently been through this myself, but thankfully not at church. I went to a small party at a friend's house with my husband, and I was feeling pretty good because it was my first social outing to a larger gathering since Amelia died. I felt I was ready for it, but a couple showed up with a 6-month old girl, and I couldn't take my eyes off her, and then had a complete melt down. I learned that I'm not ready for what I think of now as risky social situations. I'm going to stick with small gatherings where I know exactly who will be around. And when something comes up, I've practiced some deep breathing techniques that really do help (as corny as it sounds, deep breathing and concentration on breathing has helped me a couple of situations lately). In any case, I'm right there with you. Just take it one day at a time.

DJA
Mom to Amelia, b/d 03/19/04 @ 22 weeks due to sever PE
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Re : Gotta get it off my chest

Postby angelkat » Sun Aug 08, 2004 09:01 pm

by angelkat (3423 Posts), Sun Aug 08, 2004 09:01 pm

Tina...

My heart does out to you.... When Katlyne first passed away I was in such a daze that I didn't even know what day was what. My DH and Pastor planned Katlyne's whole funeral and I really didn't have any say so because I was out of it. While Katlyne was in the NICU all these parents would "complain" about their children and most of the time it happen while we were at church I always got very angry at them for even making dumb comments like that. One day, I could not help myself... A young mother (she's was around 19 i think) was going on and on about how she just wished her son would shut up and stop crying... i turned around and said at least you are able to hear your child cry and you can hold your child to comfort them.... She didn't like the comment very much as I didn't care what she thoguht at that time!!!....

It does get better when I can't tell you, you become able to "tolerate" people.

I never wanted to say a real good bye to Katlyne and I will never have to as I know I will see her again. She is in my heart, soul and dreams. I know she is right along side me day to day night to night. She will always be my shinning star looking out for me.


Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V
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Re : Gotta get it off my chest

Postby kimb » Sun Aug 08, 2004 09:23 pm

by kimb (140 Posts), Sun Aug 08, 2004 09:23 pm

unfortunately these kind of days continue to come. My husband and I were driving to his parents (only about 20 minutes away) and I swear - every car we came to a stop by at a light had a little boy about a year old in the back seat.

As for a service, we didn't have a formal one. My husband and I collected small things from friends and family and then one night he and I put them in the urn with Will. He has pictures of mommy and daddy and grandparents, poems from aunties, a necklace grandma had for years and words to a song that I sang to him before I put it in with him.

I am sorry for the lack of understanding from your mil - I have dealt with that as well. Though I know she misses him too - sometimes the things she says just arent said correctly.

Take care and rant anytime. We understand.

Kim 35
William Michael - my angel - pe/HELLP 7/7/03
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Re : Gotta get it off my chest

Postby tinalowe » Sun Aug 08, 2004 10:03 pm

by tinalowe (288 Posts), Sun Aug 08, 2004 10:03 pm

You guys are so compassionate and caring it makes me cry. I just love this place and all the ladies here. No one seems to think I am crazy or irrational about what I feel. I understand about not wanting to say a real good-bye, and that's not what I was talking about actually, I know that I will see her again someday and that aslong as she is in my heart she isn't truly gone. Really I think more of what I want is someway to honor her, butI am having trouble knowing what I want to do. I have been doing so good lately that's why I think this day hit me so hard; it was a surprise.

Elizabeth--don't worry it didn't go in the wrong direction :). Even though you guys make me cry with your compassion it's a good cry :).

Tina 23
DH Dereck 26

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03 severe pre-e
ttc#2

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Re : Gotta get it off my chest

Postby angelkat » Sun Aug 08, 2004 10:37 pm

by angelkat (3423 Posts), Sun Aug 08, 2004 10:37 pm

Tina... .

We have many different things we did and still do for Katlyne. Since she is burried in the next state (DH homestate since were military we didn't want to leave her out here without us or any family) we get to her grave maybe once every other month so we have had a tree planted in her honor at the local park.
On her birthday we have a balloon release along with a lullibye cassette tape compagin which everyone we know donates 1 cassette tape along with a cassette player for the NICU at Children's Hospital where she spent her life.
We try to educate people about PE and talk about our daughter to everyone we can.

I'm sure you will fine something very special to honor your little girl. Just know what ever you do she will be very proud of you.

Hey, we all have bad days.... Thank you for kind words about the forum. The ladies here are a wonderful support group and have the best cyber hugs!!!


Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V
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Re : Gotta get it off my chest

Postby mel h. » Mon Aug 09, 2004 07:52 am

by mel h. (288 Posts), Mon Aug 09, 2004 07:52 am

I work in an office where about 8 of us were pregnant at the same time, including me, so everyone now brings in their babies and is always talking about their babies. We also had a ton of baby showers, one right after the other. After my daughter was born at 25 weeks and didn't make it, I knew it wasn't a good idea to go to the showers or hold the babies when I came back to work ... I would also quietly excuse myself, and I think people understood. If they didn't, I don't really care. They have no idea what losing a child is like ... and I wouldn't want them to. I haven't held a baby since I held my daughter before she passed away back in April. You are totally entitled to any feelings you have right now. I've had my share of "psycho" feelings through this ordeal, where I felt no one was being sensitive enough to my feelings, or didn't understand how lucky they were to have a normal pregnancy and healthy baby. I found out my OB was pregnant not long after I lost my daughter, and I felt totally betrayed by her, like she wasn't "allowed" to have a baby until I have a healthy baby. How's that for psycho?! Don't beat yourself up for feeling any which way ... you've gone through a horrible ordeal. The feelings will subside eventually. I enlisted the help of an antidepressant and it helped a lot! Time will help more than anything, though. Just treat yourself gently and allow yourself the time. This is a time in your life when you should feel OK to put yourself - your needs and your feelings - first and not worry about what anyone thinks. Easier said than done, I know.

Melissa
Mom of Ashley Ann, born at 25 weeks on April 17 due to severe preeclampsia.
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