Gotta get it off my chest

[amillhouse]

Tina:

Thank yo for sharing. I think as it helps you it also helps us to release our frustrations as well. I know how you feel about church. And mine is about 2000 people. Babies are everywhere - all of my friends have them and are continuing to have them. I haven't been to a shower since Isaiah's (they threw me one after I got out of hospital - I cried the whole time, no one knew about the shunt he was getting put in the next day - the necessary but risky process of that procedure probably led to his death less than a week later). I don't know when I will go to a shower again. Melissa, thank you for sharing your "psycho" moments! That actually made me laugh and I have so many of my own. In an everyday life where I feel utterly alone. . . I REALLY REALLY appreciate you guys.


Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

[julie f]

Tina,

I'm so sorry... You're not alone and we all go through so much - sadness, grief, anger, loneliness, "psychoness," ... If other people don't understand, to heck with them I say... My nephew was born 6 months after my son died and it was the hardest thing, I held him and cried and cried. Before, and after that, I avoided pregnant women and babies as best I could.

I'm sorry about your MIL, that's horrible the way she reacted. I cannot imagine not being able to say goodbye and my heart breaks for you that you were not there. It was a very unselfish act for you to chose the day you did so that it wouldn't interfere with your nephew's Bday, even though it meant that you were not there. That makes you a very thoughtful and amzaing person and, I'd like to tell your MIL a thing or two...

I know this doesn't compare but, I was the last one to be able to see Zach. Of course Andy was with him right away but, then my Mom and my MIL were able to see him the day before I did. He heard their voices first, he felt their finger tips first, they took pictures of him first... I still have a hard time with that and can get very resentful when I think about it... I can only imagine the frustration and resentment I would feel if they got to say goodbye and I didn't. I am so sorry.

Keeping you in my prayers for some peace and comfort.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator

[tinalowe]

You guys are sooo awesome. :) I really can't find the words to say how much your caring means to me. :) I am feeling much better today, thank Heavens!

lol Julie I'll give you her phone # and you can tell her all you want! lol She actually does care just has a crappy way with words and she is a control freak (her and my fil were saying in the hospital that Emma had to be buried no matter what I wanted...grrrrr sparks flew to say the least)
On a more serious note I was the first to get to hold Emma, and for that I am glad...I don't know how well I could have taken anyone else being the first...I did however have to demand others leave the room so that I could spend time with her myself and with dh.
Anika I am glad to hear from you! Have been thinking about you since your last topic! You are in my prayers!

Tina 23
DH Dereck 26

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03 severe pre-e
ttc#2

[mrsboogs]

Hey Tina

I too can totally understand what you are going through. My sister had a baby just 6 days before I lost Ben and I could hardley even look at him for a long time. I'm better now but still have my bad days.

I also have a lot of "guilt" when it comes to things I didn't do after Ben was born. He was stillborn and it was all such a shock as things had been progressing quite well before my abruption. I only held him a couple times and he spent the first night with us in birth suite and I couldn't even bear to look at him because I felt like I had let him down so badly. The nurses took him down to the morgue the next day and told me I could have to ask him brought up anytime, but of course I didn't because I thought it would be too painful for me. I did go and view him at the funeral home and touched his little hand but I didn't hold him or even take any pictures. We only really have one decent picture of him that the midwives took at the hospital. Because of this, my mother in law suggested that we have an artist do a drawing of him and we have had that done. It's a beautiful charcoal drawing and the artist made him look like an angel with wings! I really love it. We had it framed and are going to put it up in the hallway. This really helped me a lot to feel closer to him.

All your feelings are completely normal, and please don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Love Lorraine
xoxox

Lorraine (28)
Michael (32)
Michael Luis 27/03/00
Benjamin Angelo 28/10/03-28/10/03

[for faith]

Tina ~ Sending you more HUGS. I definately feel as you do a lot of the time, good days and bad days. My nephew was due on the same day as Faith and born 3 weeks after she died. It is been very difficult, as I imagine her doing all the same things, he is turning 6 months this month. I can only guess that God this for a purpose, that is all I can hold onto (they weren't even trying for a baby and we were for a year). I haven't been able to go to a baby shower or be around pregnant women without feeling sick to my stomach. I pray for more strength each day.

So sorry about your MIL, I have realized people just can't get it who haven't had our experience. I think we all have out regrets and sorrow for what didn't happen. I also was the last to see Faith, I couldn't see her for 2 days after she was born and didn't get to hold her until she was dying 25 days later. I thinking doing things in her memory can help. I hope you find the right thing for you, I have a few things, like a rose tree, but am still searching for the right thing to have in place and do when January happens again. I also had a drawing of my 2 children together and I really cherish it.

HUGS again.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH (just told by peri it was mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 9/02

[tinalowe]

Have I told you lately how awesome you guys all are?? lol I really do appreciate all of your support and understanding; I might would go nuts withut you!

Tina 23
DH Dereck 26

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03 severe pre-e
ttc#2

[rachelt]

Tina,

I'm sorry that you have to go through this sort of situation. I know I disliked pregnant women for a while. It was difficult for me to look at, and all I kept thinking was, that should have been me. The cleaning lady at my job's daughter was due yesterday, everytime I see the cleaning lady, my heart jumps because I wonder did she have her wonderful baby yet, like I should be having mine (my due date is next week). At moments like those, I want to have another baby now, but even with the other baby, it is not this one. I agree with Sharonda, I know my limits. If I feel like I cannot handle a certain situation, I politely let people know, like some people would want to know in detail what happened-I let them know that I don't want to get into it, those who understand great, those who don't-hay, great too, I can't sit there worried about you, I need to worry about protecting myself and eventually healing. I hope that I too didn't go off too much of a tangent that you don't understand what I mean.

-Rachel T.

Michael Elijah George Graham Stillborn June 12, 2004
My Precious Angel Baby

[heatherbbb]

Tina,
Your feelings are definitely justifiable. I am so sorry you didn't get to go to the funeral or have a memorial service. I feel for your frustration. People have said ridiculous things to me at times and it's made me wonder if I've done that to people in the past as well. I don't know what to say about your mil, other than mils in can sometimes be difficult. I too feel like a mother with no baby to hold. It is very smart not to go to the baby shower when you are not up to it. I've been invited to many baby showers since we lost my son and I have yet to go. I have gotten gifts for them and just given it to them another day. This grief stuff is really difficult. I hope you "rant" whenever you need to! My husband and I are coming up on our son's birthday in two weeks. We think we may plant a tree in our backyard in his honor on his birthday and maybe read a poem or scripture, and have a prayer. I wonder if there isn't something you can do to honor Emma's memory that would help you feel that closure you missed with the funeral and memorial. I wish you the very best!

Heather

Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with baby # 2 Feb 1, 2005