Grieving husband

[mel h.]

Was curious how your husbands/SO's have dealt with losing your son or daughter to preeclampsia.
My husband and I lost our daughter in April. We've talked a lot about it with each other, but his family hasn't really been there for him after the fact. He is also always having to fill acquaintenances of his in on the fact we lost our baby at 25 weeks and he always feels really bad and awkward afterward because it's kind of a conversation-stopper, of course.
He's still especially disturbed about how drugged I was on the mag when I had her and how he felt totally alone when the doctors were asking him whether he wanted them to resuscitate her. (We didn't because she showed no signs of life whatsoever. She only weighed 1 pound) I've kind of always been the strong one and I think it really bothered him to see me so weak and out of it. He's also said how he saw me give birth to her and saw how small and lifeless she was, and how he kept thinking that this wasn't how the experience of his child's birth was supposed to go. I have to agree with him on that.
He didn't especially want to go to the grief counselor with me when I went, but now I'm afraid he's put off the grief and it's hitting him hard. He also tends to drink more to dull the pain, which worries me.
What helped your husbands/SO's get through the grieving process, in a healthy way? Thanks for any information you can provide.

Melissa
Mom of Ashley Ann, born at 25 weeks on April 17 due to severe preeclampsia.

[angelkat]

Melissa,

Men and grief is a hard one... At first, my DH "pretended" it didn't faze him at all. One because he was trying to be strong for me. We had a few days warning that Katlyne was doing well and she died from end stage BPD. She was also born at 25 weeks topping the scales at 1 pound 2 oz. She fought long and hard for 3 1.2 months on a vent before the end came near. I could see my husband pulling back from our daughter as he knew the end was near. Me on the other hand, wouldn't leave her side!....

When we went to the peri for my first prenatal visit, he said to my doctor...If things get bad again the most important thing is my wife. I never want to have to make another decision to save my wife or the baby. He told them if things start to look crazy it's over... I couldn't believe it was saying this. But, I guess i can understand what he had to go thru sitting there watching me on mag and then seeing this little tiny baby that looked like a size of a bird.

After a year and a half DH is starting with a counselor as it's more then time for him to deal with his grief not to move on but to let it out!...

I know this didn't answer your questions, but i wanted to let you know that your DH is in the norm.....

Sending you huge hugs

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

[for faith]

I agree with DH being normal. Mine doesn't show his emotions well (we are a lot alike with that), especially grief. It has been difficult, but our talks together have been the best. Neither of us went to counseling, but really have worked hard together to work with living with this incredible loss.

It must have been so hard on our DHs to see not only the baby, but us in such a bad situation. People do grieve differently and I think especially men do. I know for me & DH that time progression is the one thing that has helped. Maybe you can start discussions about Ashley with him to bring out emotions you can talk about. Another thing that has helped me is getting involved in charitable activities in her memory, maybe that would be something for DH. Sorry to not have more.

Wishing you both the best,

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH (just told by peri it was mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 9/02

[e_allen]

its still recent for us but my DH seems to talk it alright. i worry about drinking too. all i can do, all we all can do, is offer and ear and let them know it is okay to grieve.

my FIL told ethan (dh) that he had to suck it up and be strong for me. this was before janell was even delivered! i made it a point to tell ethan repeatedly (not just once - but several times for weeks) that he does not have to be strong for me. this was his daughter too and we have other people to lean on for strength if thats what we need. i also email ethan and ask how he's doing. sometimes he's more willing and better able to express his feelings in writing. i think that helps us both.

ethan has problems sometimes with anger (not real bad - he just gets real grouchy for no reason) he'll snap at me and then he feels like crap. sometimes hes just really tired... the other day he teared up at a cherrios commercial... i know guys handle it different but it is hard on us to see them like that...

i know ethan had a really hard time during the end of pregnancy and in the hospital and once we were home because he was so scared he was going to loose me too. i remember him breaking down twice - once before janell passed and once after... the idea that we both could have died was the worst to him...

i know ethan grieves on his own. sometimes i'll hear a song that i know reminds him of her, and hes alone in the other room listening to it. the best way for me to know whats on his mind is to ask him through email... HTH



Liz
Janell Victory stillborn July 25, 2004 @ 31 weeks

[amillhouse]

My DH has handled things quite well - a million times better than me. The thing is he is the type of person that can express himself and move on - so, I think his personality is his strongest trait. The other thing is that he has gotten a lot out of going to Compassionate Friends and listening to the people there, especially the other men. He also has written poems for Isaiah. And I am sure you know this, but everything I have read suggests that we have to be really careful with alcohol (as well as drugs) during grief. Perhaps if you can find a male counsellor who has lost a child, someone he can relate to????


Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

[dja]

My husband and I were fortunate to have a group where we live called Sharing Parents, which is a support network specifically for parents who have lost a baby from conception to one year. They offered a short-term grieving support group that we participated in together, and I think it really helped both of us to connect with other parents who had suffered similar profound losses. The men in the group didn't "share" as much as the women, but they all did talk, and I think it really helped my DH.

DJA
Mom to Amelia, b/d 03/19/04 @ 22 weeks due to sever PE

Expecting, EDD 04/22/05!

[nunyobizniz5]

melissa,....its been a yr. for us....my husband is still taking it very hard...he has not had comfort from his family ....he wont or will not go to a theropist...there are alot of days that he is very unpleasant...i get so fraustrated because i know what it is and there isnt any communication going on....i have expressed that if we could see a specialist i would like to see if we could have his sperm checked out and get one with a girl and i would try it all over again...he says no....i would love to .... i need to hold a little girl and raise her....well we will see.... but i do know what you are going through....my thoughts and prayers are with you....c

[space_coaster]

Hi Melissa,

It's only been a week for us. I think my husband is dealing with it better than I am, though I know he's grieving in his own way. I had never seen him cry before Michelle's last day of life. But I think the severity of my illness scared him terribly, and I know these last several months have been very hard on him as well as me (I had bad morning sickness for about 10 weeks or so and had not completely recovered from that when my first signs of pre-E began to appear). I think on some level he's so happy to have me back and relatively healthy (except for still-too-high BP and recovery from c-section) that it makes it easier for him to deal with Michelle's death than it is for me -- I have nothing else to think about.

Luckily we have been able to talk about everything we're feeling and we have spent a lot of time together since I've been out of the hospital. I think communication is important. I hope your husband will decide to go with you (or by himself) to the grief counselor...have you told him that you're worried about him? If you can't get him to go right now, just keep up the lines of communication...maybe he'll go when he's ready, and he'll know you're there for him no matter what. Good luck.

Jocelyn - mommy to Michelle Elizabeth, 8/25-9/1/04

[mel h.]

Jocelyn, I am so sorry for the loss of your Michelle. Please know that this forum had been incredibly helpful to me in not feeling so alone as I went through all sorts of feelings over the last 5 months, since we lost our Ashley at 25 weeks. It sounds like you and your husband have been doing great turning to each other to comfort. That will make all the difference.


Melissa
Mom of Ashley Ann, born at 25 weeks on April 17 due to severe preeclampsia.