Today

[lisa k]

Today it has been one year since I lost Jeremy. I am just at a loss as to what to do. I'm lost in general. I don't know how to mourn him...I feel like I should have taken the day off of work but I didnt think enough ahead of time. I'm just so sad. My therapist said I should do something for myself today...but I can't. I still feel as if it's all my fault(although I know it wasn't). I dont deserve to do something for myself! He deserves everything, and he is gone[V] I'm so angry! And sad! And depressed! Help!

[mel h.]

Lisa, I am so sorry about Jeremy. These anniversary dates are so difficult. Do you have some mementoes of him, like ultrasound printouts, photos, things that you bought for him when you were pregnant that you could look through when you get home from work? Even though it feels bad at the time, if you sit down or even take a walk and allow yourself to mourn and experience the grief, I think you'll feel a release. Try to tell yourself throughout the day to hang on until you get home from work and then you can do your grief work then. Easier said than done, though ... I've broken down many times at work over the last several months, since I lost my daughter in April. Luckily, I have an office that I can shut the door to and good friends at work. I understand the feelings that you're having right now, where you feel all out of sorts, like you don't know what to do with yourself and nothing feels right. That's totally normal.
Feel free to post here throughout the day. There are many women here who understand what you're going through.

Melissa
Mom of Ashley Ann, born at 25 weeks on April 17 due to severe preeclampsia.

[catherine]

Lisa, I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. The only thing that I can suggest is to grab your bag and go outside at lunchtime.... is there a big park, or a river to walk alongside or any place like that near you?

Grief and pain on days like today, don't so much need handling, as aknowleging. I do better letting stuff out leaning up against a tree, or throwing stones in a pond. I know it must be hard, but the fact that you have these feelings is healthier than being numb or cut off from being able to grieve for Jeremy. It is wrong and unfair that he has to live in your heart and not be in your arms as well.

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

[mom2tori]

Lisa I am sorry about Jeremy. These days are always hard and I am really not sure how I get through them. Even now after 7 years of this those anniversary days get to me. I usually look through the few photos I have and hold the little robe and cap he had on at the hospital. I read through the sympathy cards that were sent to me and I just cry. The crying always makes me feel better even though it makes me look awful. We usually go out to the cemetary and I do some more crying there and then I sit in the tub, curl up in bed and try to watch one of my favorite movies. Sometimes it helps it sometimes it doesn't. I hope you find something that gives you comfort. I try to remind myself that the love I share with my son will never go away, that it is true that love never dies. I am praying for peace for you and that this day and all the others will be ones that you get through with the love in your heart. Take care and know that we are praying for you. God bless.

Alissa (23) mommy to:
Dominic 9/10/97-9/11/97
Victoria 1/8/02

[for faith]

Oh Lisa ~ Sending lots of hugs on Jeremy's anniversary. I understand that lost feeling, I have it too. I am hoping one day it gets easier. Wishing you peace with your feeling of pain & guilt. I hope you have some peaceful time today.



Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH (just told by peri it was mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 9/02

[timelessbeauty]

Lisa,

When I lost Ben at 24 wks due to severe pre-eclampsia, the first thing I told my husband was "I'm so sorry" and was bawling. We found out during an ultrasound visit while trying to keep my pressures down in the hospital. I was kicking out so much protein and sky rocketing in bp that they told me later, I was lucky I didn't end up on a donor list. My heart, liver, lungs, and kidneys were all starting to fail as a result of the high pressures and toxicity in my system. Granted I didn't have to make a choice because God took him before the doctors came down to making that a question. It's hard but look at what quality of life that poor little fellow would have had at being born so young and under stressful circumstances. I was told any baby born before 26 wks has a 95% mortality rate after birth anyway, mostly due to lungs not being developed. You saved yourself and your baby suffering. You are alive today to carry on his memory but to honor him in trying again. You so loved children that you wanted him, and he wants you to go on loving children while he watches over you from above. Ask around and talk to specialists in your area. You may get it again or you might be able to stave it off like I did the third time I was pregnant full term. I've had 3 miscarriages and a stillborn baby boy due to Pre-e. Possibly the heparin shots, baby aspirin therapy, antioxidants and vitamins could help you, too. Or, go in and have tests done to check for any underlying condition. If mourning him means to cry, go for a walk and talk to him, or simply smile that he was in your life, do what makes you feel like you have remembered him. Go get a balloon and launch it skyward to carry your message of love to him or light a candle for him tonight. The risk is out there for you again but education is the key. I cannot take away your pain but I offer my prayers for you to remember that life has joys as well as sorrows. And because of your grief, you are most likely a changed woman with an even most sensitive heart. God grant you peace my friend!

TB

[tinalowe]

Lisa--Sending you huge hugs and prayers for peace and comfort. I think many of us share the same feelings you are experiencing. Just know that we are here if you need us. Also, these ladies have given some great idea maybe using one of them will help you in some way today!

Tina 23
DH Dereck 26

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03 severe pre-e
ttc#2

[angelkat]

Lisa

My prayers and thoughts are with you today and always


Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

[space_coaster]

Lisa, {{{{big hugs}}}} to you. My daughter died two weeks ago today and I've been having a hard day too. It's pretty late in the day now but I hope you managed to find some time to do something for yourself and bring a smile to your face. If not, maybe you just need to be sad today, and tomorrow maybe you'll feel better. I sure hope that's the case. My thoughts are with you.

Jocelyn (36)
Mommy to Michelle Elizabeth, 8/25-9/1/04, 24w1d, 1 lb 3 oz, severe PE/HELLP syndrome

Michelle's memorial page: http://www.geocities.com/jfiorello68

[julie f]

Lisa,

I'm am so sorry and am sending prayers your way for peace.

Days like this are hard. I always feel like I want to do something so special but, I never know what that is. Then that leads to guilt that I don't even know what to do...

Keeping you in prayer,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator