New Cemetery Rules

[julie f]

This week I went to the cemetery to visit Zach and when I was driving in there was a big sign posted that says, Due to the beautification project of the grounds, only fresh flowers will be permitted on the grounds. It goes on to explain that other items will no longer be allowed to be left for loved ones. So, this means no more balloons on his birthday, no pumpkins at Halloween, no Christmas things, etc. When I got up to his grave I was devestated. He is buried in an area that is special for babies that have passed and it's a beautiful area. Parents have various momentos and gifts that are always there - pinwheels in the flower vases, stuffed animals, etc. Well, all were gone. Including the stuffed animal my parents had secured to Zach's flower vase and the little garden stake that we would use for balloons on his Bday and other occassions.

The whole place just looked so empty, and not just the baby areas. Wind chimes and garden flags, flower pots, everything was removed all over the cemetery.

I was so upset about this, I just feel like it's one less thing I can do for my son now. Andy and I had already talked about going to the pumpkin patch next month and getting one for Zach and now I won't even be able to leave it there. I understand that the cemetery is a business and that they have a need for order but, I frankly don't understand, or want to understand this new rule. I'm working on a letter to express my frustration and sadness and I guess my question is - Am I out of line? Is this the "norm" for cemeteries?

Thanks for letting me vent ladies.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator

[for faith]

HUGS Julie ~ I think it is terrible, there should have been a notice time I would think for everyone able take things down. I don't know much about cemetaries (this is my first experience), but where Faith is, they allow only fresh flowers, small wind chimes on the trees and a certain time for Christmas items. So maybe the fresh flowers is the norm in our area (I know smaller towns have a lot more extensive things they can do), even so, I think there should have been a significant time of notificiation of the change. I would definitely write your letter. HUGS.

Still go to that pumpkin patch and keep that pumpkin at home with you, that is what we are going to do. Take care,

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH (just told by peri it was mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC & Sepsis(preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 9/02

[mom2tori]

Julie, I would be so upset!! The cemetary that my son is in has a few weeks throughout the year where everything needs to be taken down but then can be put back up again. We are like you and leave balloons and trucks and toys so not being able to have anything there would make me so angry. We have had stuff stollen and last year someone who mowed the lawn broke an angel of my sons that had been there since the day he was buried. I was so mad! I called and complained but nothing was really done. I have noticed though that they are now very careful around my sons stone. The year before they hit the stone with the lawn mower and moved the stone! I don't feel you are out of line to be upset, I sure would be. Maybe you should start a petition and could get things changed. I can understand that at times things around the gravesites get in the way but to say nothing is allowed, that stinks! Maybe ask the cemetary and see what brought this change. Are the groundskeepers having a hard time mowing or are people complaining of things blowing around? Maybe they have a reason for this change. I personally don't agree with it and would be very upset. Keep us updated on what is going on. I hope our cemetary doesn't make a rule like this one. Good luck!

Alissa (23) mommy to:
Dominic 9/10/97-9/11/97
Victoria 1/8/02

[heatherbbb]

Julie,
I'm sorry to hear you got such a shock with the change in policy at the cemetery. The cemetery where my son Seth is also only allows fresh flowers. However, I do think you should send the letter to your cemetery expressing your feelings. They may not understand how important it is in the grieving and honoring process.

Heather

P.S. Julie, I always read your comments on all the forums because we are in such similar boats. I delivered at 26 weeks last year with PE and later lost my baby. I'm also pregnant and due in Feb. You always give such good comments!

Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with baby # 2 Feb 1, 2005

[catherine]

Julie, I'd be hopping mad! I'd have a letter sent in a heartbeat. I think that the administration should have been much more sensitive, at the very least taking into consideration the feelings of people such as yourself whose children are laid to rest in that special section of the cemetery.

My grandma was laid to rest in a special graveyard dating from the Famine(1845-1850)back home in Ireland. There are no headstones and no tributes, floral or otherwise, are permitted. There are only broken and irregular slabs of slate marking sites. This was her choice and desire and the family chose to respect her wishes. However, these restrictions were known in advance... it isn't fair to change the rules after burial.

Good luck finding the words to express your feelings.. these people should know that what they might perceive as "mower-hazards" have deep and special meaning to you.

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors

[laura]

Yes, Julie, I'm so sorry that happened! I don't think it is that uncommon, though. At the cemetary where my husband's aunt was buried last May- they had a similar rule, only they take it one step further-- no upright headstones, no crosses, nothing- just flat markers that make it easier to mow.

Laura
Administrator/AK Area Coordinator

Alicia (severe PE) 5/98 ~ Camille (htn, oligo) 4/03
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/c/camilleandallie/

[angelkat]

Julie.... I would be so upset (well that is the nicest word I could come up with!). The cemetary that Katlyne is buried in rules state, only flat markers (due to mowing) and nothing that doesn't fit into the vase. In babyland you can do anything you want as long as it's on your plot and doesn't interfere with mowing etc.

I would call and write the cemetary and ask them to reconsider in babyland or to allow things to be placed in the vases. Just seems soooo unfair.

Hugging you so tightly in my heart!!!!


Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

[mada]

Julie,
I am so sorry honey..I just wanted to give you cyber hugs and I hope that your letter impacts the new rules. I am sure many parents share your anger and sadness about this.

Mada Harpster-moderator for pregnant again

Sam 6-29-00 36weeks P.E.
Ben 11-03-01 No P.E.

[amillhouse]

Ditto to what everyone else said, Julie. I am so shocked that they would do that - I am just imagining them just removing everything. How awful! I support you in your letter writing. Do you happen to know any of the other families with little ones buried there? Maybe everyone, who is interested, could write letters. On another note, I think it is so cool that they have special areas for babies in some U.S. cemeteries where you can put your special gifts. I don't know of anything like that here.

Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
[URL=http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/d/dumisani]Isaiah's Website[/URL]

[tracey]

Oh, Julie -- I'm so sorry.
Just wanted to say, like the others, I support you in your letter writing, and hope it may initiate some changes. Good Luck!

Tracey
mama to
angel Ila Elizabeth (02.06.04),
pea-in-the-pod, EDD 03.25.05