First Time Here....needed to share

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

First Time Here....needed to share

Postby forlogan » Sat Oct 02, 2004 10:45 pm

This is my first time here in the forum....I read Amanda's story and I can feel her pain. It brought me back to the day I had to pick up my son Logan's ashes. I just sat and stared at the tiny little box they handed me and I couldn't even speak. My son, Logan, was stillborn due to PE on May 16, 2004 at 25w. I was told about 7 weeks prior that I had a placental abruption, but not to worry that a lot of women go full term with this condition. PE was never mentioned at this point as I had no other symptoms. When I read Amanda's story about not having any warning signs, it hit close to home. My pregnancy was "normal" until I had a high AFP test and then all seemed OK even then. I had a completely normal OB appt. about 3 weeks before my son was born and we were completely caught off guard. I have lost 4 babies in miscarriage before the 8th week. We thought finally we made it this far and then to have it ripped away from us...it has been devastating.

I'm sitting here tonight and I don't really know what I want to get from this forum, but maybe some comfort. As all of us know, we have "good" days and "bad" days. It seems I've had more of the latter lately. I'm finally ready to try to get some input on some of the things I've been feeling. I had a friend ask me today if I'm getting any grief counseling and I replied "no"! I think I need it though.

I feel anger and sadness that so many of us have had to endure this trauma. It feels like the worst reality check you can imagine. I have a wonderful life. We have a beautiful daughter whom I never had any complications with in that pregnancy and I just wonder, "Why me?" I can't answer that, the Doc's can't answer that. I'm just so frustrated.

I don't want to be a bitter person, but have felt that lately. I hate seeing other pregnant women. It was really bad when I was still supposed to be pregnant. My due date was a horribly sad day. I went to my son's grave and just cried. It's not fair. I pray that someday they find a reason and a way around PE. Too many people have lost lives to this. Sorry for the negativity. I have to thank Tracy for sending me an e-mail inviting me to the forum. I really needed that today.

Dee Heath
Mama to:
Talia - age 8 - born full term with no complications
Logan - stillborn at 25w due to severe PE
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Re : First Time Here....needed to share

Postby angelkat » Sun Oct 03, 2004 06:56 am

Dee,

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart just breaks every time there is a new story posted with a death of a child and/ or mother.

Every one griefs differently and at different times. What your feeling is so normal. I can't even tell you how many times (even today) I go thru the good days and bad days. I don't think we will ever get thru the pain and hurt but, it does get a little easier as the days go on.

I do hope you find the strength and comfort that you need.

Sending you HUGE HUGS!!!! and Prayers for comfort,strength and peace!





Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V
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Re : First Time Here....needed to share

Postby samarasmom » Sun Oct 03, 2004 11:14 am

Dee
All I can say is I am sorry. I lost a baby in the forth month of pregnancy from poor implantation. For some reason when he/she grew she tore from the wall and eventually passed. She was dead for several weeks before they caught on. I had a D & C. I can somewhat understand the loss of a child, and I feel bad that you had to experience such anger and sadness in your life. I think of my loss alot on certain days that role around. ANd even though I have no right to like other moms. I got mad at other pregnant women especially for ones that didnt want no kids.
I was told that since i didnt know my child I should not feel bad over the loss. I did not have a bond so I was not supposed to be sad. But i was alot so I hope I can relate. I feel I should be able to greive also.

I agree with T everyone grieves differently. Dont feel bad for the feelings that you are having. They are valid and you need to release them in order to heal. DONT keep them bottled up no matter what someone says.
I too hope you can find peace and comfort here in this sight. I hope that these women here can help you feel that you are loved and not alone and that your precious child is with other wonderful children.
Please take care and come here all you wnat.

Sandra 23
Michael Abron ( fiance)
Elijah Kristopher Michael Abron ( 43 wks no complications) 5/6/99
Isaiah Liam Abron ( 37 wks PE and Preterm labor) 3/25/02
Samara Juliyana Abron ( 35 wks PIH and poss PE ) 7/21/04
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Re : First Time Here....needed to share

Postby denise » Sun Oct 03, 2004 12:26 am

Welcome Dee, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you are able to find comfort and support from the women here. Please vent or share any thoughts you need to! {{HUGS}}

-------
Co-coordinator for WI
Denise (28)
Jason (32)
Ariana (16 months)-born 5/3/03 at 35 weeks due to HELLP

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Re : First Time Here....needed to share

Postby tinalowe » Sun Oct 03, 2004 12:51 am

Dee,

I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place. This si a wonderful groups of caring, loving ladies who will help any way possible. Just know you are not alone and anytime you need to talk we are here!

Tina 23
DH Dereck 26

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03 severe pre-e
ttc#2

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Re : First Time Here....needed to share

Postby forlogan » Sun Oct 03, 2004 01:26 pm

Thank you everyone....it seems that at night seems to be the hardest sometimes. I close my eyes and see my precious little boy's face. I hope I never forget, but it also makes me so sad. Last night was one of those nights. I'm doing pretty good for the most part, but am very happy to have access to all of you wonderful ladies. It's a sorrowful sisterhood that we are a part of. I am thankful though that you are all here. Thank you again. God bless all of you.

Dee
Mom to:
Talia - 7 (born full term, no complications) 1-31-97 **I had a brain cramp last night...my daughter is not 8, she is 7....it was late!
Logan Nathaniel Heath - 5-16-04 - stillborn due to severe PE
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Re : First Time Here....needed to share

Postby space_coaster » Sun Oct 03, 2004 03:30 pm

Hi Dee...welcome to the board. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little Logan. I lost my daughter, Michelle, just over a month ago now and my days are still filled with pain and sorrow. We just got her ashes back on Friday night -- the hospital where she was born and died is about 50 miles from here, and we are in Florida so we've had all these hurricanes to deal with; I guess that explains the delay. I don't even have an urn for her ashes yet, but when I get one the nice lady at the funeral home said she'd be happy to do the transfer for us.

I just started counseling last Friday and will be going for another appointment on Tuesday. I am really hoping it will help me and maybe it will help you too. I also have been to one local meeting of the Compassionate Friends (a support group for parents who have lost children of any age) and am planning to go back next month, as well as to a meeting of a group for parents who suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death (I just found out about that group). I personally just feel the need to talk about Michelle with anybody and everybody who will listen, but mostly with people who have been there themselves.

Take care of yourself. I'm glad you found us.

Jocelyn (36)
Mommy to Michelle Elizabeth, 8/25-9/1/04, 24w1d, 1 lb 3 oz, severe PE/HELLP syndrome

Michelle's memorial page: http://www.geocities.com/jfiorello68
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Re : First Time Here....needed to share

Postby forlogan » Sun Oct 03, 2004 09:38 pm

Jocelyn,
I have been hestitant about joining any support groups here in my area. The hospital that I delivered in was wonderful in providing us all sorts of literature and support group information, but I have yet to even look at it very closely.

First of all, I live in Utah, a very heavily populated area of the LDS faith (Mormons) and I am Catholic. I know that doesn't sound like much of a problem except that I don't want to go to a support group meeting and have religion shoved down my throat. That happens quite often in Utah. I think that it may be helpful in some ways to seek out the support, but also frustrating in others. I have a lot of respect for people of the LDS faith, but unfortunately in Utah they all think EVERYONE should believe exactly what they do. It's a dilema.

My faith is a very important part of my life and God has been ever present during my entire experience. I seek His help in dealing with my pain and sorrow and I know he'll be there for me.

A fellow parishioner and I have been trying to start a support group to help women who have lost babies to miscarriage or have had trouble conceiving at my church. Unfortunately, we haven't had any people respond to our notice in the bulletin. I think that this grieving process is very personal to some and they just can't imagine sharing it with anyone. My husband is my main source of support right now. I have a wonderful family, but he is my strength and love in this whole experience. I don't think he is really dealing with the loss of our son yet though. He is a very quiet person and not very verbal. Me, I need to talk. He, deals with things very differntly. He has stopped going to church...he is very angry with God right now. Has anyone else dealt with this? What can I do to help him?

Again, thanks to all of you for being so wonderful. I feel so much love here in this sight and look forward to "meeting" all of you.

God Bless.

Dee (31)
Mom to:
Talia - 7 (full term - no complications) 1-31-97
Logan - stillborn due to severe PE - 5-16-04
"Some only dream of angels...we held one in our arms"
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Re : First Time Here....needed to share

Postby catherine » Sun Oct 03, 2004 10:01 pm

Hi Dee, I am so very sorry for your loss. I did just want to make one little suggestion. I too live in a state where RCs are relatively thin on the ground KWIM? Can I suggest that if you are not finding a critical mass (sorry for the pun) within your parish, you may find that if you contact your diocesan office that you may have more success in finding a group. I know, thing that you never ever in your life envisaged doing #20217 etc. but... The other thing to ask about is the Stephen Ministry. They are trained to support in times of pain and crisis, fully confidential. Again, if there isn't anyone within your parish, you may be successful reach up the line a little way.

Catherine
Mom to Finn, Lucy (preeclampsia and HELLP) and Chloe.
Moderator HELLP Syndrome Survivors
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Re : First Time Here....needed to share

Postby heatherbbb » Mon Oct 04, 2004 06:57 am

Dee,
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you lost your beautiful son after you'd already made it 25 weeks, especially after 4 miscarriages. That you kept on trying testifies of your courage and your desire to have children. You are right, there is nothing fair about this. I lost my son after he fought a hard, long 5 1/2 month battle in the NICU. We too were full of hope that he would make it, only to be disappointed in the end. I think that the bitterness and negativity is all part of the grieving process. I hope you will be able to work through it and find peace. I so understand about having good days and bad days. I bawled at my desk at work on Sept 3, my son's first birthday. It was a hard day for me. It also brought all the sorrow back to the surface. I am glad to have you here in the forum. I wish you the very best.

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005)
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