its been a while since i have posted because i have been feeling so terrible, i am approaching my beloved jake's 1st anniversary (weds 13th oct). I can't believe it has been almost a year since my very soul was rocked by the death of my much longed for son Jake. Everyone around me is having babies (2 newborns in the last week!) and it just hits home that my baby isn't here with me, where he should be (in my arms). I am almost inconsolable at times and feel so dreadfully lonely, with a heart that aches so badly and at times it is much more than i can bear.
My darling best friend called me last night on my mobile phone (which has a radio on its handsfee gizmo, which i was listening to before she called!), to see how i was because i have been avoiding conversations with people for the last week. Inevitably i started crying and telling her how much i missed him and how s**t i have been feeling, and when i hung up, Jake's funeral music (barbar's adaggio for strings) was playing on the radio station and sent me back into a tail-spin of emotions and tears again. So i spent the whole night just crying til my poor eye's were raw.
However, Today i am focusing on how to honour my precious boy on wednesday. On saturday i am going shopping for a piece of silver jewelery to have Jake's name engraved upon it and i am going to release some balloons and light a candle for him on the actual day. I am also in the midst of writing another poem to Jake, which i will read to him on wednesday too.
It's been lovely reading some of the other's tributes here for all the little angels, i know we all feel for each other's losses, and i wish strength and peace to all of you who have gone through this nightmare.
Sunday the 10th of oct there is a memorial service organised by the SAND's group here in the UK and i am going to read out this poem that i found, which means the world to me. Just thought i would share it with you girls.
The Cord - Author unknown
We are connected, my child and I
An invisible cord not seen by the eye.
It's not the cord that connects us til birth
this cord can't be seen by any on earth.
This cord does it's work right from the start
it binds us together, attached to my heart
I now it's there, though no one can see
the invisible cord from my child to me.
the strength of this cord is hard to describe
It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied
It's stronger than any cord man could create
it withstands the test, can hold any weight
And though you are gone, though not here with me
the cord is still there, but no one can see
It pulls at my heart, i am bruised, i am sore
But this cord is my lifeline as never before
i am thankful that we are connected this way,
A mother and child, death can't take it away
thanks for listening!
severe PE/class 1 HELLP @ 27wks
13th oct 2003
mummy to angel jake