a hard moment tonight

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

a hard moment tonight

Postby forlogan » Thu Oct 07, 2004 08:13 pm

Hi everyone....I just had a difficult moment tonight. I hate it when something, a question or someone catches you off guard. I am a Brownie Troop Leader for my daughter's troop and was at a Leader meeting tonight. I haven't seen all of these women all summer and some of them knew I had been on bed rest, but never heard of the outcome of my pregnancy. First, it started with a questionaire that was just a getting to know you again...a spotlight for everyone to try to guess who it was. Anyway, the very last question was "If you could meet anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?" Immediately and without thinking I wrote "my son". I didn't have to explain and didn't feel I should. It just came out and it's truly how I feel. I never really got to "meet" him. He was stillborn and I only knew him when he was growing and kicking inside me. I still miss that feeling and feel very empty sometimes. I used to talk to him and call him "my little man." I never got to look into his eyes and see him looking back at me. I know he watches over us now, and I still talk to him often. I was feeling sad through the meeting now and low and behold someone came up to me and said, "Last I heard you were on bedrest...did you have your baby?" I just said he died and couldn't say any more. I was afraid I would start bawling. I think I came across as rude, but didn't mean to. I just couldn't talk at the moment. I cried on the way home. Thanks everyone, for listening. You are all wonderful.

Dee (31)
DH Bryan (32)
Mom to:
Talia - 7 (full term, no complications) 1-31-97
Logan - Stillborn at 25w due to severe PE 5-16-04
and 4 little angels in heaven
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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby angelkat » Thu Oct 07, 2004 09:58 pm


First, I'm sending you HUGE Hugs...
Logan death is still so new. It's so hard trying to "deal" with people we haven't seen in a while. (I use to get are you still Bfeeding?... My nasty response was yes, I go to my daughters grave every 3 hours and to feed her - Nasty I know but I couldn't help myself!). Now I usually say, I have my three boys at home and my princess is in heaven. It usually stops the questions .

Feel free to post anytime.. It always seems to help me by writing my feelings and of course, getting the huge hugs from all the wonderful women on this forum!!!

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Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby kdreher » Fri Oct 08, 2004 05:56 am

I am so sorry for your loss and can understand how it feels to "explain" but you know what...don't worry about being rude. You don't owe anyone an explanation, at all. After 9 1/2 years, I still decide who I choose to tell about my son and who I don't. I'm sure if I get pregnant in 2005 the topic will come up. Many of us know what you are going through. Be kind to yourself, and you know what, have a good cry when you need to.

Kris (35)
DH, Tom (34)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks severe pe/HELLP)
Hoping for a little miracle in 2005! (after TR surgery in 2004)

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil
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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby denise » Fri Oct 08, 2004 06:13 am

Just wanted to let you know I'm keeping you in my thoughts Dee. Huge {{{HUGS}}} coming your way.

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Jason (32)
Ariana (16 months)-born 5/3/03 at 35 weeks due to HELLP

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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby julie f » Fri Oct 08, 2004 09:12 am

Oh Dee, I'm so sorry. What seems like the simplest question can send me into a tailspin...

I always used to worry too about being rude or, making people feel uncomfortable but, time has helped me to not worry about that so much anymore. You have to learn to take care of you and give as much, or as little, explanation as you're comfortable with. If people don't understand then they should just count themselves lucky to have never been in your position.

Sending you hugs,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby for faith » Fri Oct 08, 2004 09:37 am

Sending hugs too, I have been through your exact position so many times and it is so hard. I dreaded seeing people for the first time again to explain things. As Julie said, I am definitely not worried about being rude or making people uncomfortable, this is reality, they should be happy not theirs. Take care, thanks for sharing with us, hope today is a little better,

mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH/mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC/Sepsis (preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 09/02
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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby sam » Fri Oct 08, 2004 12:47 am

Dee, i am so sorry for your loss,just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I like many of the others here do not worry about coming across rude, or making others feel uncomfortable, you gave a frank and honest answer to that question. Be gentle with yourself, this is all still so new. It is only you who can decide who you speak to in relation to Logan's passing, and you decide on how much information you are willing to part with.

I also had a son who was stillborn (Jake-13th oct 2003)) and i gave him the nickname of "little man" too!!

peace and comfort to you at this difficult time

severe PE/class 1 HELLP @ 27wks
13th oct 2003
mummy to angel jake
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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby forlogan » Sat Oct 09, 2004 09:46 am

Thank you to you all....I can't tell you how much your support means to me. Words cannot express how much this forum is helping me. I can share so much with all of you and you all are so understanding. Hugs to you all!!!

My sincerest thanks!

Dee (31)
DH Bryan (32)
Mom & Dad to:
Talia - 7 (full term, no complications) 1-31-97
Logan - Stillborn at 25w due to severe PE 5-16-04
and 4 little angels in heaven
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Joined: Sat Oct 02, 2004 09:51 pm

Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby dja » Sat Oct 09, 2004 10:28 am

Hi. I've experienced this sooo many times. Don't be concerned about being rude. It is very awkward for people to hear that your baby has died, and I think even more awkward when they have to be reminded. I had a situation happen last week where someone in my office was having a baby shower, and a few people were walking the halls reminding everyone to attend so there would be a good turnout. This person simply forgot about my situation (it's been 6 months) and told me point blank I should come to the baby shower. I somewhat curtly said I was passing, then I had to shut my door and cry for about 10 minutes. The person came back later and apologized, and honestly I think she felt worse than I did.

Mom to Amelia, b/d 03/19/04 @ 22 weeks due to sever PE

Expecting, EDD 04/22/05!
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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby space_coaster » Sat Oct 09, 2004 04:08 pm

Dee, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I don't have anything to add but I agree with the other ladies -- you weren't rude, and the person who asked the question shouldn't have taken it that way either. I'm sending many hugs and peaceful thoughts your way.

Jocelyn (36)
Mommy to Michelle Elizabeth, 8/25-9/1/04, 24w1d, 1 lb 3 oz, severe PE/HELLP syndrome

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