a hard moment tonight

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby heatherbbb » Tue Oct 12, 2004 12:34 am

I'm so sorry things like this happen. My son was in the NICU for 5 1/2 months before he died. Every week at church, well-meaning people would ask how he was (all wanting a positive answer). Sometimes I felt rude because I couldn't deal with the questions. There was no good answer. I could never truthfully answer that he was fine when we could never get him off of a ventilator more than a few days. My son passed away 8 months ago and I still bump into people that ask how he is doing. I wish I could say something comforting. The best I can do is say that I understand and that many here understand the difficulties of this situation. I wish you the very best and also say good for you for being a Brownie Troop Leader!

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005)

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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby grace04 » Sun Oct 10, 2004 09:40 am


I agree with all these women. Don't worry about being rude. Someone told me shortly after Grace died that this is the one time in my life where I can be selfish and people will understand. You need to deal with those questions however you feel you need to. I have had so many of those questions. In my job we work with lots of associations, and so many of the members of those associations knew I was pregnant - and now, over six months later, I still run in to people who last saw me pregnant, and say stuff to me like ... "So - did you have a boy or a girl?" I usually answer with a smile and say, "we had a girl" and then say, "but I delivered really early and she didn't make it" or I'll just say "it ended tragically." Its true that people don't know what to say and aren't prepared for your answer. Unfortunately, other people go on with their lives and it makes us feel like we were left in the dust. The worst is when other people think I should have "moved on" by now. Give me a break! I don't think I will ever "move on" from the loss of Grace. But someone told me once that people say stupid things because they don't know what else to say... so I try very hard to remember that when I want to scream at them for what they said!

Jaime Nolan
Mother of Grace Ann Nolan
2/22/04-3/2/04 (born @ 27 weeks Pre E)

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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby space_coaster » Sat Oct 09, 2004 04:08 pm

Dee, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I don't have anything to add but I agree with the other ladies -- you weren't rude, and the person who asked the question shouldn't have taken it that way either. I'm sending many hugs and peaceful thoughts your way.

Jocelyn (36)
Mommy to Michelle Elizabeth, 8/25-9/1/04, 24w1d, 1 lb 3 oz, severe PE/HELLP syndrome

Michelle's memorial page: http://www.geocities.com/jfiorello68

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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby dja » Sat Oct 09, 2004 10:28 am

Hi. I've experienced this sooo many times. Don't be concerned about being rude. It is very awkward for people to hear that your baby has died, and I think even more awkward when they have to be reminded. I had a situation happen last week where someone in my office was having a baby shower, and a few people were walking the halls reminding everyone to attend so there would be a good turnout. This person simply forgot about my situation (it's been 6 months) and told me point blank I should come to the baby shower. I somewhat curtly said I was passing, then I had to shut my door and cry for about 10 minutes. The person came back later and apologized, and honestly I think she felt worse than I did.

Mom to Amelia, b/d 03/19/04 @ 22 weeks due to sever PE

Expecting, EDD 04/22/05!

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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby forlogan » Sat Oct 09, 2004 09:46 am

Thank you to you all....I can't tell you how much your support means to me. Words cannot express how much this forum is helping me. I can share so much with all of you and you all are so understanding. Hugs to you all!!!

My sincerest thanks!

Dee (31)
DH Bryan (32)
Mom & Dad to:
Talia - 7 (full term, no complications) 1-31-97
Logan - Stillborn at 25w due to severe PE 5-16-04
and 4 little angels in heaven

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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby sam » Fri Oct 08, 2004 12:47 am

Dee, i am so sorry for your loss,just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I like many of the others here do not worry about coming across rude, or making others feel uncomfortable, you gave a frank and honest answer to that question. Be gentle with yourself, this is all still so new. It is only you who can decide who you speak to in relation to Logan's passing, and you decide on how much information you are willing to part with.

I also had a son who was stillborn (Jake-13th oct 2003)) and i gave him the nickname of "little man" too!!

peace and comfort to you at this difficult time

severe PE/class 1 HELLP @ 27wks
13th oct 2003
mummy to angel jake

for faith
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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby for faith » Fri Oct 08, 2004 09:37 am

Sending hugs too, I have been through your exact position so many times and it is so hard. I dreaded seeing people for the first time again to explain things. As Julie said, I am definitely not worried about being rude or making people uncomfortable, this is reality, they should be happy not theirs. Take care, thanks for sharing with us, hope today is a little better,

mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH/mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC/Sepsis (preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 09/02

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julie f
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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby julie f » Fri Oct 08, 2004 09:12 am

Oh Dee, I'm so sorry. What seems like the simplest question can send me into a tailspin...

I always used to worry too about being rude or, making people feel uncomfortable but, time has helped me to not worry about that so much anymore. You have to learn to take care of you and give as much, or as little, explanation as you're comfortable with. If people don't understand then they should just count themselves lucky to have never been in your position.

Sending you hugs,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby denise » Fri Oct 08, 2004 06:13 am

Just wanted to let you know I'm keeping you in my thoughts Dee. Huge {{{HUGS}}} coming your way.

Co-coordinator for WI
Denise (28)
Jason (32)
Ariana (16 months)-born 5/3/03 at 35 weeks due to HELLP


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Re : a hard moment tonight

Postby kdreher » Fri Oct 08, 2004 05:56 am

I am so sorry for your loss and can understand how it feels to "explain" but you know what...don't worry about being rude. You don't owe anyone an explanation, at all. After 9 1/2 years, I still decide who I choose to tell about my son and who I don't. I'm sure if I get pregnant in 2005 the topic will come up. Many of us know what you are going through. Be kind to yourself, and you know what, have a good cry when you need to.

Kris (35)
DH, Tom (34)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks severe pe/HELLP)
Hoping for a little miracle in 2005! (after TR surgery in 2004)

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil

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