Question for you, Julie..

[josiah1112]

Just wondering. How is it going when people ask if
it's your first pregnancy? How is it going handling
that?

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom

[julie f]

The first time someone asked, I felt like I got hit by a truck. Dh and I were out and ran into someone that he knew from years ago (he never knew about Zach) and he asked us if this was our first. Dh's mouth opened but nothing came out. Finally, I just said yes. I had mentally prepared for someone to ask me that question but, when they finally did, I was like a deer in headlights.

After that, it seemed like I must've gotten at least two people a week asking if this was our first or, what number was this, etc. I would reply that it was our 2nd and then the inevitable question followed, how old is your first? I reply that my son passed away last year. Usually, people look uncomfortable, say they're sorry and then quickly excuse themselves. On the other side, I have had a few people who instantly have understanding looks and will share that they have lost a child as well. I actually had a good friend tell me that I shouldn't talk about it, that I should say this is my first because it's too uncomfortable for people to respond to...[}:)] I just about died. I actually feel very comfortable with my response to people now, I'm past the point where I worry about whether or not they are made uncomfortable. I feel like it took me a long time to get to this point.

A lot of friends act like this is my first pregnancy though. I don't know quite how to describe it. They say a lot of things like, "Oh, just wait 'till you have a baby, your world is going to be turned upside down..." As if it hasn't been turning for over a year now... They tell me things about how miserable it is when they don't sleep through the night or how all my free time will be gone, I'll never have "alone" time again, etc. I think it's hugely insensitive but, I just try and smile.

Thanks for asking about me Gloria.


Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator

[tracey]

Julie,
I just wanted to say that so much of your response was as though I had wrote it myself! I, too, have a hard time not acknowledging Ila when people ask. It is a little hard watching the discomfort spread over their faces, but at the same time, they asked a question, and I can only assume they want the real answer!

I can also very much relate to the comments along the lines of "wait till you have a baby..." or "someday you'll be parents". We ARE parents and it definitely jabs me every time. When people complain about things like lack of sleep, free time and alone time, I now always smile and laugh and say "You know what? I'll gladly take it all!" It seems to "gently" make them aware of just what they're doing to me, as I'm smiling and laughing all the while.

Just had to add that...

Tracey
mama to
angel Ila Elizabeth (02.06.04), 25w2d ~ severe pe/Class 1 HELLP
pea-in-the-pod, EDD 03.25.05

[heatherbbb]

I'm right there with you gals. I always say this is my second pregnancy and sometimes go ahead and tell them I lost my son before they can ask. I don't enjoy making people feel uncomfortable, but I'm not going to lie or not acknowledge my precious Seth. You all are right - we are parents. Julie, I too just try to smile through the insensitive comments.

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005)

[kimpaulus00]

I know exactly where all of you are coming from. I remember that my DH and I went to a historic site about a month after we lost Allison and the docent asked if we had any children. At the time, we said "No". That hurt me so much to say that so now when people ask if this pregnancy is our first, I usually say this is our second, which then leads to the question about the age of the first baby. Usually we then say that she was born way too early and she is an angel in heaven. The questions usually stop or the people relate that they lost a child too. One of the people that DH knows at work lost a child 19 years ago and told DH that after we lost Allison.
As time goes on, it is becoming easier to tell people about Allison.

Kim
Mother to
Allison Jean (born 5/23/2003), our beautiful angel who showed a spirit and strength that belied her small size and short time on earth
New Little One -- due January 3, 2005 but will be here in 2004 -- keep thinking of us

[kdreher]

I now know that when I become pregnant I will gladly say it is my second pregnancy. Sorry if people get uncomfortable with the answer, but that is how it goes..well, in my life at least.

Julie,
I see you are putting on a brave face, but agree that it is very insensitive of your "friends" to act as though this is your first. Perhaps you can kindly remind them that it isn't and it hurts your feelings that they treat it that way.

Kris (35)
DH, Tom (34)
Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks severe pe/HELLP)
Hoping for a little miracle in 2005! (after TR surgery in 2004)


tkstevens@sbcglobal.net or kstevens@cga.uscg.mil

[angelkat]

Julie,

I only had a few ask and when they did I said the same as you do.

Hang in there, you doing great!!. Your giving all the new pg mom inspiration !!!

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V

[josiah1112]

Thanks for sharing your 2nd pregnancy journeys.
Julie- you are doing awesome.

I had to tell a co-worker the other day about
my loss. I remember the first time she asked
me if I had any children and I said "no" and she
then went on and on about how when you have children your
life is not your own anymore.She said she waited to the
absolute last minute to have her 2 daughters.. she wasn't
sure she wanted children.I felt so horrible
when she said this. It hurt me so much. I came
home and cried for an hour.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom

[heatherbbb]

Gloria,
What a horrible story. I'm so sorry. I guess there is a benefit to sharing - it tends to shut people up. That may make up for the awardness. Thanks for sharing.

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005)

[for faith]

Hugs Gloria, there are so many hard things to deal with after our losses, I hate it. Hope you are doing ok today.

Everyone ~ You are doing great with dealing with things. With a new pregnancy, everything comes again. Julie ~ Sorry about how some friends are acting. People had such a hard time dealing with a loss like ours.

Take care all,

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH/mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC/Sepsis (preemie complications))
OUR LITTLE MIRACLE due 6/5/05

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 09/02