Question for you, Julie..

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Re : Question for you, Julie..

Postby jenn » Thu Oct 14, 2004 12:41 am

Hugs to all first and for most!
I strongly feel this is topic no one should ever had to have faced.
If there was one thing I could change about the world- this would be it.
I too cringe when I'm asked what pg this is...knowing the next is how many living children I have.
Then when all is said and done I've gotten a few rotten responses like:
"So you've been pg nonstop for over a year...yuk!"
And that's enough to share before I vomit thinking about it.

But in RE to the topic.
I have a question if you don't mind, and I hope you forgive my ignorance.
Recently I was on the otherside of this topic, where I didn't know the lady had lost her daughter.
I had asked how old she was...then was told the heart stopping news.
I responded in autopilot that I was so sorry. Then I froze up.
I didn't know what to say or do.
Sure I would have loved to hear all about her child and let her share some memories of her.
But how do I know that isn't going to bring the person serious painful memories or emotion?
How could I respond better in the future?
And what if I get an emotional response?
Do I hug them , hold out a hand, hold in my emotion....
I just don't want to make things worse, but I don't want to be the "typical" person and avoid it all together to spare.

In my case I "lost" my baby. ( messed up saying if you ask me )
And miscarrige carrys the same feelings for me... It was so much more than that! That was my baby from fertilization on.
So much so we had him cremated and his remains are in an urn in our room.
In our hearts we lost a baby.
I also walk the earth having to understand not all see it like we do.
Some can pick up the pieces like it was a kidney stone they passed.

So before I ramble anymore or hurt someones feelings (Im sorry if have...sometimes venting is good for the person doing so and not to the receiever)
Though I would like to know how I can be a better person if I find myself facing this topic again.

thanks to all, love you guys.
And prayers to the angels around us.
Love Jenn

Jennie (25)
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Re : Question for you, Julie..

Postby heatherbbb » Thu Oct 14, 2004 01:50 pm

Jenn,
This is such a hard topic without any right answers and a lot depends on the situation and the person involved. I do not know how it cannot be akward when you find out someone has lost a child. I've had to comfort so many people after I told them I lost a child (kind of reversed roles) and then lead the conversation in different direction. There is no good reply. I like to talk about my son but not all parents can do that and not everyone is capable of listening. My husband still gets choked up when talking about our son. Like you said, you can share how you lost a baby but sometimes people think it's not a fair comparison (I disagree but it's all individual perspective). I think it is always alright to take their hand if they get emotional. If you feel right about it, I think a hug is great. I wonder if our akwardness isn't a result of the conditioning of society. We are taught to ignore or hide it. I think the only answer is to try to be sensitive to whoever you are talking. There is no right thing to say or anything that really will make it better. When I first lost my son, I appreciated the people the most that just said they were either thinking or praying for us and shook our hand or gave us a hug. Advice was the last thing we wanted. Now that time has passed, there is no appropriate answer other than "I'm so sorry". I supose if you feel good about it, you could follow up with another question about their loved one. Maybe some others here will give ideas on how to handle this type of situation. It's hard to be on the other side.

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
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Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005)
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Re : Question for you, Julie..

Postby space_coaster » Fri Oct 15, 2004 07:48 pm

Jenn, as Heather said, saying you're sorry is an appropriate response even if you don't really know what else to do or say. One thing I thought of that you could ask is "Do you want to tell me about her?" That gives the mother a chance to say either "Yes, I would" or "No, I'd rather not". And you can take it from there. I really appreciated the people who asked me that question, because I did want to talk about Michelle but they couldn't have known that without asking me and I didn't want to make them uncomfortable either.

I was trying to find some resources on the web for family and friends of grieving parents, guidelines on how to act and how to help, etc. -- if I find some I'll pass them along. Thanks for caring...and I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, of course it must have been just as painful to you as our losses are to us.

Jocelyn (36)
Mommy to Michelle Elizabeth, 8/25-9/1/04, 24w1d, 1 lb 3 oz, severe PE/HELLP syndrome

Michelle's memorial page: http://www.geocities.com/jfiorello68
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Re : Question for you, Julie..

Postby heatherbbb » Tue Oct 19, 2004 01:41 pm

Jocelyn,
That's a great question to ask. Thanks!

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005), Protein C deficiency & Lupus Anticoagulant (2 Heparin shots/day since 14 weeks)
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Re : Question for you, Julie..

Postby space_coaster » Thu Oct 21, 2004 08:40 pm

You're very welcome. :-) My father-in-law asked me whether or not I wanted to talk about our loss the first time we got together with DH's family after Michelle died, and I thought that was very kind and wise of him.

Jocelyn (36)
Mommy to Michelle Elizabeth, 8/25-9/1/04, 24w1d, 1 lb 3 oz, severe PE/HELLP syndrome

Michelle's memorial page: http://www.geocities.com/jfiorello68
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Re : Question for you, Julie..

Postby sweetiesuzy » Thu Oct 21, 2004 08:47 pm

I think asking if the person wants to talk about their child at that moment is a great response. I will share that the most memorable response I ever got after Chloe died was that the person asked me her name. It really, really validated that she was a person that had meaning. When I told the person her name they responded by telling me how beautiful it was. I felt so sad, but happy and proud all in the same moment.

Hugs,
Suzanna

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Laura Elise ~ 7/19/04

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Re : Question for you, Julie..

Postby space_coaster » Sun Oct 24, 2004 08:45 pm

That's another great one. Sometimes I forget to mention Michelle's name when I tell people what happened and it's so great when they ask.

Jocelyn (36)
Mommy to Michelle Elizabeth, 8/25-9/1/04, 24w1d, 1 lb 3 oz, severe PE/HELLP syndrome

Michelle's memorial page: http://www.geocities.com/jfiorello68
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Re : Question for you, Julie..

Postby julie f » Mon Oct 25, 2004 10:22 am

Jennie,

What the others have already responded I think is wonderful advice. "I'm so sorry for your loss," is a perfectly appropriate response and I believe is compassionate. Some other people have asked, usually older women, "Do you mind if I ask what happened?" I feel very comfortable talking about my son and love the opportunity to share his life. However, if someone would have asked me right after it happened, I would have crumbled... So, I think giving them the option is a wonderful thing. Grief is so personal and everyone does it differently.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

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