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Confused

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

Confused

Postby tinalowe » Fri Oct 22, 2004 06:50 pm

by tinalowe (288 Posts), Fri Oct 22, 2004 06:50 pm

Well, I know I haven't been around the board much lately and here's the deal (gonna pour my heart out here). I have been having a really rough time. I thought that ttc again was what i wanted but i am not so sure anymore. There's a part of me that wants another child now so desperately, but lately i have found myself pulling more and more away from my DH. There are times when i sit and think and resent him for being able to move on with his life so easily. Maybe i tried to rush things with starting to ttc I am not sure. I just know that at the moment there is something wrong and i am not sure how to fix it....so I am no longer ttc for the time being. I know you have all had doubts and such, and maybe i am over reacting but there is just something in my heart that tells me I am not ready for this, yet. I love my husband, but in my grief I am uncertain and doubting myself and the kind of wife i need to be. I doubt my body and i doubt my ability to have a healthy child. I know the chances of it happening again are slim, but there is still that chance. This is realy weird for me because i am usually the optimist; but it is so hard after having lost Emma. I had been doing so well too, but I have found myself slipping back more and more, and in some ways worsset han when i first lost her. Maybe that is strange, but it is how i feel. I am only 23, so i don't have the biological clock ticking on me telling me my time is running out. But i do know that while i am feelign this way, it is no time for me to try and have another baby. My mother and DH are the only one's who know (well and now you all) that we have stopped ttc, everyone else wants us to so bad. However this si not something that should be done to please others, including DH. I know he is ready, but as much as he loved and wanted Emma he did not feel the bond i did (which is why i knwo it hasn't been as rough for him as me). *sighs* Well i am not sure what else to sya, there is so much running around in my mind at the moment, maybe i will post mroe when i feel mroe up to it!

Tina 23
DH Dereck 26

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03 severe pre-e


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Re : Confused

Postby mom2tori » Fri Oct 22, 2004 07:37 pm

by mom2tori (3842 Posts), Fri Oct 22, 2004 07:37 pm

Tina, sounds like things are a little up in the air right now. Having another baby takes a lot of courage and faith, at least for me it did. I lost my son who was born at 28 weeks and lived for 32 hours and I thought after that I would never put my heart on the line like that again. I was so sure I would never be a mom, not because I didn't want to, but because I know I could not watch another baby of mine die. I know I am not that strong. 5 years later after getting married I was pregnant and never so scared in my life. I was terrified that something horrible would happen and that I would not love another baby the way I loved my son and what kind of mother doesn't love their child?! I thought I could never be a good mother when my heart still felt so empty from burying my son. It took a lot for me to have my daughter. My husband was great and was always there to give me a boost when I needed it and I know I couldn't have done it without him. He is not my son's dad so he doesn't know what it is like to say goodbye to your child. We were lucky and blessed that our daughter is the perfect girl she is today, but we get a lot of pressure to have more children. I really don't think I can. But that is just me. I hope that whatever you are going through you find the answers and the peace you need to move forward, whether or not you have more kids, but just to find a peace that will give you comfort. Being a mom is the greatest thing in the world for me, as I am sure you feel the same. Maybe you are not quite ready for another round of pregnancy or maybe you are and just don't know it yet. I will pray that the answers all come to you, they will too, just a little time.
Alissa (23) mommy to:
Dominic 9/10/97-9/11/97
Victoria 1/8/02
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Re : Confused

Postby kdreher » Fri Oct 22, 2004 07:45 pm

by kdreher (2482 Posts), Fri Oct 22, 2004 07:45 pm

Tina,
I lost my son when I was 25 and ran away from my gried. I basically gave up on life and walked away from my huband. I know I hurt him dearly and wish to this day I could find him and apologize or something. I realized later on that I never dealt with my grief the right way. I thought support groups for me and for the loss of my son couldn't help.

Perhaps you and your dh should consider counseling together and you by yourself. That is just a suggestion. You are young and have time to think about what it is you want. Loosing a child is never easy and you really never get over it.

Kris (35)
DH, Tom (34)
My Angel Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks severe pe/HELLP)
Hoping for a little miracle in 2005!

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net
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Re : Confused

Postby mel h. » Fri Oct 22, 2004 08:34 pm

by mel h. (288 Posts), Fri Oct 22, 2004 08:34 pm

Tina, I have found that the loss of my daughter in April has affected nearly every part of my life. Losing a child is such a profound loss that it makes you question everything – your relationships included. Try to keep the lines of communication open with your husband, and don't forget that everyone experiences grief differently. I have tended to dwell on our loss, and now our frustrations with trying to conceive again, while my husband has really been able to compartmentalize his grief and not let it take over his life. I think it's a little easier for him because he works on a golf course around men all day, and I work in a hospital around lots of pregnant women, though. I'm grateful that he's been better able to deal with this than me, because he's been my source of comfort through all this, much more than anyone else.
You have plenty of time to ttc again, so if you don't feel right about it right now, don't beat yourself up about it. Life can be so hard ... you need to remember to go easy on yourself. You'll know when it's right to ttc again. Best of luck to you.



Melissa
Mom of Ashley Ann, born at 25 weeks on April 17 due to severe preeclampsia.
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Re : Confused

Postby angelkat » Sat Oct 23, 2004 09:04 am

by angelkat (3423 Posts), Sat Oct 23, 2004 09:04 am

Tina,

I could have written that same post a few years ago. After losing Katlyne all I wanted was another baby to fill the hole in my heart and arms. Sad but true, I became so *mad* at DH for acting as if he turned off a switch to his feelings. We fought all the time about how he wasn't ready. I finally just dropped the whole issue. On Katlyne's first birthday he came to me and told me he was ready to start trying again!.

Give it time, he just might surprise you.

Sending you HUGE HUGS

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V
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Re : Confused

Postby josiah1112 » Sat Oct 23, 2004 03:59 pm

by josiah1112 (1368 Posts), Sat Oct 23, 2004 03:59 pm

Tina,

Everything the other ladies shared was awesome.
I just want to send you a cyber hug. Losing a
child is the most traumatic thing anyone can
go through. T, once told me something that
made so much sense.. she said that when my
baby died a piece of me died and I will never be
that same person I was before..

A perinatal loss can also bring lots of stress
into a marriage. At first it can bind you, but
as time progresses it can cause friction since each
of you will react differently to the loss. Perhaps you and
DH can come up with a plan to help you out. Take
care of yourself.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom
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Re : Confused

Postby heatherbbb » Sun Oct 24, 2004 06:34 pm

by heatherbbb (603 Posts), Sun Oct 24, 2004 06:34 pm

Tina,
I am so glad you posted. I think you were wise to put the TTC on hold. As some here have said, men do grieve differently than women. They tend to keep their emotions bottled. During support group meetings, I was surprised by things my husband said. I had no idea of many of his feelings because he never expressed them to me (even when I asked). I will tell you that I am very happy to be pregnant. However, my grieving has been even harder while pregnant. My emotions have been crazy and I seem to cry at the drop of a hat. Also, the pregnancy brings all of the old memories fresh again. I also wanted to tell you that what is going on with you is very normal. It is normal to "back slide" with grief. It's all part of the process. You can be doing great, and then have a tough time again. For several months after my son Seth died, I was in a "dream-like" state. I was going through motions of life. I think that is a normal defense our body and mind creates. Several months later it got harder as I dealed more with the loss and grief. If you are not already, I would suggest finding a local support group for those who have lost babies. SHARE had meetings all over the nation. If that is not possible, it may be time to consider counselling. That is a necessary step in the grief process for some. It is so important to your life, health, and relationships that you do grieve and that you work through the grief process. It is hard and it is work. Reading posts like yours makes me wish I had a magic wand that could make everything better. There is no such thing. However, there is great support available and you can work through this. It takes time. I wish you the very best and hope that things seem better soon. There are a lot of people here pulling for you! (and we understand the magnitude of what's happening.)

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005), Protein C deficiency & Lupus Anticoagulant (2 Heparin shots/day since 14 weeks)
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Re : Confused

Postby for faith » Mon Oct 25, 2004 09:41 am

by for faith (1749 Posts), Mon Oct 25, 2004 09:41 am

Tina ~ Just want to send a HUG, I agree with everyone. I pray that you can find the answers you need to move forward and start TTC when you are ready. If it wasn't for my age (35) and my son already being 4 I think I would have waited longer than I did. Grieving is so hard. Be easy on yourself.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH/mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC/Sepsis (preemie complications))
OUR LITTLE MIRACLE due 6/5/05

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 09/02
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Re : Confused

Postby tracey » Fri Oct 29, 2004 05:22 am

by tracey (919 Posts), Fri Oct 29, 2004 05:22 am

Tina -- sending you big big hugs.
I would be the first to say that making the decision to TTC is a very very difficult one. As the time approached when we had decided we would start trying again, I, too (as well as my husband) experienced some doubt as to whether we were really ready. In the end though, we realized that we both were ready, albeit extremely nervous. Age is a bit of a factor in our case though (we became pregnant again in June and I turned 32 in September -- not really a big concern, but we would like to keep our options open for more biological children if everything goes well this time).
I think in the end though, you know better than anyone else whether or not you are ready. I really believe this readiness will come for you in time.

I wish you the best of luck with everything. Please remember that we are all here for you anytime you need us.

Tracey
mama to
angel Ila Elizabeth (02.06.04), 25w2d ~ severe pe/Class 1 HELLP
pea-in-the-pod, EDD 03.25.05
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