by tinalowe (288 Posts), Fri Oct 22, 2004 06:50 pm
Well, I know I haven't been around the board much lately and here's the deal (gonna pour my heart out here). I have been having a really rough time. I thought that ttc again was what i wanted but i am not so sure anymore. There's a part of me that wants another child now so desperately, but lately i have found myself pulling more and more away from my DH. There are times when i sit and think and resent him for being able to move on with his life so easily. Maybe i tried to rush things with starting to ttc I am not sure. I just know that at the moment there is something wrong and i am not sure how to fix it....so I am no longer ttc for the time being. I know you have all had doubts and such, and maybe i am over reacting but there is just something in my heart that tells me I am not ready for this, yet. I love my husband, but in my grief I am uncertain and doubting myself and the kind of wife i need to be. I doubt my body and i doubt my ability to have a healthy child. I know the chances of it happening again are slim, but there is still that chance. This is realy weird for me because i am usually the optimist; but it is so hard after having lost Emma. I had been doing so well too, but I have found myself slipping back more and more, and in some ways worsset han when i first lost her. Maybe that is strange, but it is how i feel. I am only 23, so i don't have the biological clock ticking on me telling me my time is running out. But i do know that while i am feelign this way, it is no time for me to try and have another baby. My mother and DH are the only one's who know (well and now you all) that we have stopped ttc, everyone else wants us to so bad. However this si not something that should be done to please others, including DH. I know he is ready, but as much as he loved and wanted Emma he did not feel the bond i did (which is why i knwo it hasn't been as rough for him as me). *sighs* Well i am not sure what else to sya, there is so much running around in my mind at the moment, maybe i will post mroe when i feel mroe up to it!
DH Dereck 26
Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03 severe pre-e