Conversation with friend's mom

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : Conversation with friend's mom

Postby heatherbbb » Mon Oct 25, 2004 09:46 am

I agree with Jill. Some of the older generation dealt very differently with this type of thing. When I my son was 5 months old, I took off work to stay with him all day, into the nights at the NICU. I knew that things were not looking good and I didn't know how much longer I had with him. One day a nursing tour came through. The next day one of the men studying to be a nurse stopped by. I told him how Seth wasn't doing well and that chances were slim that he would recover. He asked if his parents had stopped coming to see him since it was hopeless. I just looked at him for a minute and the other nurses around us seemed to hold their breath. I told him that I was his mother. With the hospital gown on, he thought I was a nurse. I told him that both me and my husband would do everything we could to love and support our son until his very last breath. You do not stop loving your baby just because he (or she) is sick. I didn't get mad at this man, I was just shocked. I hope that the parents that he described are in the minority (and I think they are). Hopefully he learned a valuable lesson. Even though it is painful, I think it is very important to bond with your baby even when it's "hopeless". Mel, I too felt that my son Seth deserved my grief. He was so special to me.

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005), Protein C deficiency & Lupus Anticoagulant (2 Heparin shots/day since 14 weeks)

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Re : Conversation with friend's mom

Postby angelkat » Mon Oct 25, 2004 09:40 am

They never used to talk about "things" back then. Which is really sad for the women who have lost children not even to be able to speak about them.

I'm sure glad things have changed!!!...

I have pictures all over the house of Katlyne and still have some of her things in Casey's room. I always tell him that he is sharing his room.

Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site ... ope&Sort=V

for faith
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Re : Conversation with friend's mom

Postby for faith » Mon Oct 25, 2004 09:28 am

Hugs to you Melissa. DH's grandmother had a stillborn baby and never has mentioned one thing about it after we lost Faith. I think that was a time when things were definitely different. I am so happy we live in the time we do, where at least we are able to grief and know our babies were important.

I know that time will help with healing, but I agree, my daughter will always have a special place in my heart no matter how old I get.

mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH/mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC/Sepsis (preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 09/02

mel h.
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Conversation with friend's mom

Postby mel h. » Mon Oct 25, 2004 08:05 am

I had a conversation with a friend's mom last night, who lost a baby 31 years ago because of a premature birth resulting from an incompetent cervix. The baby, a girl, was her middle child and weighed 2 lb., 4 oz. at birth and lived about 24 hours. Of course, if she would have been born now, she would have had much more of a chance at survival.
She didn't hold the baby, or go see her in the NICU, because she said she knew she was going to die and didn't want to put herself through that. They had a funeral, but she didn't go because she was still in the hospital. She didn't even go to the grave until about 5 years later, and she's only been a few times since.
She kept referring to the baby as "it," which disturbed me. She really seemed to have separated herself from this baby.
I guess I shouldn't be judgmental, because she has obviously been able to put the loss behind her, but I just can't imagine not feeling a bond with my child or not wanting to see her after she was born, even though I knew she probably wouldn't survive.
I told my friend's mom that we held our baby for the 30 minutes that her heart was still beating, and we had photos taken. She she said she thought that made it harder on women, to bond with a baby who was going to die anyway.
Maybe it did make it harder on us, but I felt that I owed it to my daughter, and to myself, to see her and hold her. I mean, what else could I do for her? She didn't ask to be born.
My friend's mom said she didn't "know" her baby, so that made it easier to get over. I think it makes it harder, knowing that you'll never get to know the person your baby would have become.
She also told me I should get rid of all the nursery stuff we bought, which I didn't have the heart to ask my husband to do, after he worked so hard to build the crib and rocker. We just keep the door shut and I now just think of it as the spare room again. Maybe for some people, "out of site, out of mind" works, but not for me.
I guess it was good to get her perspective, but I left the conversation really feeling sorry for the poor little baby, who never got to feel her mother's touch during her 24 hours of life.
30 years from now, I can't imagine feeling the way this woman does. I mean, I know I'm going to go on with my life and have more children, but my daughter will always have a special place in my heart as my firstborn.
Has anyone had a similar experience?

Mom of Ashley Ann, born at 25 weeks on April 17 due to severe preeclampsia.

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