I think I am going mad.....

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

I think I am going mad.....

Postby houstygirl » Sun Oct 31, 2004 11:37 am

Geez life is so crazy for me. I need to let it out.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and totally losing the plot. I concieved only a few weeks after Jonathan was born....I'm thinking maybe it was a mistake. I'm so completely paranoid. So many people keep saying to me that it will all be ok, but how do they know!?

I am so certain that this baby is going to die. I know it is a horrible thing to say, but that is exactly how I feel.

My friend is due at the same time as me. The other day at the zoo, my husband saw two women walking along, one with a baby in her arms and one pushing a pram. He said "Oh that will be you and Lauren soon!" I then saw that the pram was actually empty and it all dawned on me that that probably WILL be how it is!

What is really stopping this baby from dying. I can't do anything to stop it.
I feel so helpless.

Thanks for listening.

Mum to Angel baby Jonathan Douglas
born still 3rd April 2004 31wks, weighing 880gms
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Re : I think I am going mad.....

Postby amillhouse » Sun Oct 31, 2004 11:50 am

We are all here for you and can imagine if not relate to what you feel. Keep venting; it's the only thing that I know that seems to help. Everything you say is so sad but true. I am so sad that we have to know this truth. . .

Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
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Re : I think I am going mad.....

Postby mom2tori » Sun Oct 31, 2004 11:54 am

I am sending you big hugs!! I am so sorry you feel that way but I think that at some point everyone who has lost a baby and went on to have another one has felt that way, at least I did. I was so sure I could never love another baby the way I loved my son and I was so sure that I would never see a child of mine grow up. It is scary. What you are feeling I think is perfectly normal. I am hoping though at some point you are able to say that this new baby is different, that this new baby is going to pull through and that you will soon be holding this perfect new addition to your family. It is hard to be optimistic when you have experienced some of the worst pain imaginable. Even now I think my daughter is going to die, that is my worst fear, that she will get a disease and die, fall her bike and hit her head and die, that she will get killed or just not be there anymore. The trick is learning to look at the now and not the future, hard but sometimes possible. I focus on what she is doing now and not what could happen. No one knows what is going to happen all we can do is pray and hope for the best or we would all lose our minds. I will surely keep you in my prayers that the rest of your pregnancy goes well and a beautiful, healthy baby will be in your arms before you know it! Remember, miracles can happen and they do, everyday, yours is on it's way, you just have to keep an eye out for it. God bless!!!

Alissa mommy to;
Dominic 9/10/97-9/11/97
Victoria 1/8/02
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Re : I think I am going mad.....

Postby sam » Sun Oct 31, 2004 12:09 am

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. (((HUGS)))

Losing a precious child in the way that we have has such a profound bearing on our whole outlook of life, let alone in relation to the uncertainty of our bodies in another pregnancy.

We cant ever know what the outcome of another pregnancy will be [:(], which is another frustration of having had PE, because we only have our past traumatic experiences to go on.

I cant begin to imagine what you are feeling right now. Your grief for Jonathan has been superimposed into this next pregnancy, and all the usual worries of an expecting mum are magnified beyond comprehension, i imagine.

Be gentle with yourself, and come here to talk and share anything that you need to get off your chest. We are always here to listen

sam
London,UK
severe PE/class 1 HELLP @ 27wks
13th oct 2003
mummy to angel jake
http://www.shattered-dreams.uk.com/jakehayman.htm
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Re : I think I am going mad.....

Postby josiah1112 » Sun Oct 31, 2004 01:41 pm


Try and take it one hour at a time- or one minute at a time,
whatever works for you at the moment. You are almost there!
20 weeks is great. Feel free to vent here whenever you need
to. I just talked with a friend (you meet lots of mom's who
have lost babies when you go to bereavement groups) who had
a stillbirth. She recently brought home a live baby and she shared
that she was convinced the whole time that her baby would die.
She tried to surround herself with people that wouldn't just
give her pat answers like- everything will be okay. She looked
for people who would let her vent and supported her. - I can
imagine this can be hard to find unless the women have been there
or have had someone close to them have this horrible tragedy happen to them.. I want to wish you much continued success in your current
poregnancy. Take care of yourself.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom
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Re : I think I am going mad.....

Postby space_coaster » Sun Oct 31, 2004 05:10 pm

(((((houstygirl))))) My thoughts are with you...hoping your next 20 weeks are a breeze and you are rewarded with a happy, healthy baby to love for the rest of your life.

Jocelyn (36)
Mommy to Michelle Elizabeth, 8/25-9/1/04, 24w1d, 1 lb 3 oz, severe PE/HELLP syndrome

Michelle's memorial page: http://www.geocities.com/jfiorello68
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Re : I think I am going mad.....

Postby heatherbbb » Mon Nov 01, 2004 07:31 am

Houstygirl,
I'm in my second pregnancy after losing my first. I too hate it when people say, "It will all turn out fine", because you are right, no one has that crystal ball. They do not know. I think they somehow think they are comforting you when they say that. It just makes me want to punch them in the face (and I've never hit anyone in my life). Many people told me that while my son was fighting for his life in the NICU for 5 1/2 months. They were not right. It didn't turn out okay. He finally lost his battle with Chronic Lung Disease. However, I would like to ask you a couple of questions for you to evaluate. Are you getting any different medical treatment or doing anything different this time - like more frequent OB visits, monitoring your own blood pressure, taking baby aspirin (under a Doctor's care), been screened for underlying disorders (like blood clotting disorders, immune disorders, or genetic disorders). Have you seen a perinatologist or high risk OB? Let me tell you some of the things that I am doing that is helping me feel more proactive in my pregnancy. None of these things take away the fear of losing another baby, but they can empower us with a feeling that we are doing everything we can. I had the blood testing and found I have two blood clotting disorder for which I am taking blood thinner injections twice a day. I have been seeing my OB once a week since 24 weeks. At 28 weeks, I'll see my OB twice a week - one time to get an ultrasound (called a Bio Physical Profile) and one time to get a Non Stress Test. (Some OBs might consider this excessive, but the thought of it makes me feel better. Also, others at this website are seeing their OB more like every week or two weeks, it just depends on the OB and the situation.) The purpose of these tests are to catch problems early so we can manage them, even if that means an early delivery. I also take my blood pressure at home everyday so it will not get extremely high without my noticing (like it did last time). These things help me get through the days. I feel much better now that I have past my first delivery time (26 weeks, 6 days) I feel encouraged that if I get PE, we will catch problems early, I will be able to get steroid shots to help the baby's lung development, and we will be able to have a baby that will survive the NICU and come home with me. I have to hold on to that. I personally am not seeing a Peri, however my OB consults with a Peri in her practice about my case regularly. This works for me. I am very lucky to have an OB that is watching me so closely. Have you developed a plan with your OB for your care? Are you satisfied with the plan? Have you expressed your fears to your OB? If you are not satisfied with your OB, you have plently of time to find another that will meet your needs better. My heart goes out to you houstygirl. You are in a hard spot. However, you are not completely helpless. You have more knowledge this time. Your OB should also consider you high risk this time. You have a right to closer medical attention. (though I'm not sure where you are and what medical facilities are available). You also have every right to be frightened. There are many of us going through this with you. Like some have already said, take one day at a time. The days then add to weeks. I am wishing you the very, very best.

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005), Protein C deficiency & Lupus Anticoagulant (2 Heparin shots/day since 14 weeks)
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Re : I think I am going mad.....

Postby kdreher » Mon Nov 01, 2004 08:11 am

I"m so sorry to read that you are having difficulties right now. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. I know when that magical BFP comes my way I will be worried about many of the things you are mentioning. I think it is a natural way for us to feel...and you have to let these feelings out - at least we all know what you are going through.

Try to remain positive, and take one day at a time.

Kris (35)
DH, Tom (34)
My Angel Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks severe pe/HELLP)
Hoping for a little miracle in 2005!

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net
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Re : I think I am going mad.....

Postby angelkat » Mon Nov 01, 2004 08:12 am

I'm so sorry your going thru this right now. At times, our minds like to play tricks on us no matter what we do thoughts are always running wild.

When thoughts would race thru my mind, I would run a warm bubble bath and just lay in there (sometimes, letting out the cold water and running warm water) letting all my worries go down the drain.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...
Sending you HUGE HUGS

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V
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Re : I think I am going mad.....

Postby for faith » Mon Nov 01, 2004 10:08 am

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think Heather said a lot of great things. I am 9 weeks and have had a appt. with a peri on how she is going to manage my care and had all the testing done. That does give me some peace of mind, but no one knows the outcome and it is so scary. I am trying to take one day at a time and am happy I get through that day. Being pregnant again, does bring up that vunerability that we all felt when we just lost our babies. It is so hard, we are here for you. HUGS

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH/mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC/Sepsis (preemie complications))
OUR LITTLE MIRACLE due 6/5/05

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 09/02
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