Pregnant friend

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : Pregnant friend

Postby amillhouse » Wed Nov 03, 2004 12:13 am


I totally relate to what you are feeling. I have only been able to go to one shower and I cannot really talk to my pregnant friends or those who have infants. It's like I avoid them like the plague. I go back and forth about how I feel about myself for this, but if nothing else I have learned from losing my son, I have to take of me. At the same time I do want to feel happy for others but sometimes it is so hard to find that place, especially when they can so innocently expect a child, not having experienced the horrors of losing one. I have a framed picture of Isaiah at work. No one says anything but that is okay. It's one way that I honour him as my son.


Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"

for faith
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Re : Pregnant friend

Postby for faith » Tue Nov 02, 2004 09:59 am

Melissa ~ Yes, I think we have all been there. My SIL, who was due the same day as me, had her beautiful boy, 3 weeks after we lost Faith. Another SIL is due next month and just went to her shower this past weekend (the first I have been too since our loss in January). It was still hard, 9 months later. I have a co-worker also due in January. I also have sent gifts over the last 9 months, but not attended baby functions. It really doesn't matter how they feel, do what is best for you. Maybe just give a gift, but don't attend the shower. For me it was easier to make up excuses that to be honest, do what is best for you.

Take care,

mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH/mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC/Sepsis (preemie complications))

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 09/02

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Re : Pregnant friend

Postby heatherbbb » Tue Nov 02, 2004 09:07 am

I think most of us have been where you are at some point and probably will be again. It's so hard to have conflicting emotions. I do think it does get easier with time, though may never completely go away. I suspect that people think a new baby will make everything alright. What they don't understand is that no new baby will ever replace one we've already lost. When you have a second or third child, you do not love the first one any less. Also, people should cut you some slack. If you emotionally can't handle a shower, just tell them. They will accept that. I've given many baby gifts the last 8 months, but haven't attended any of the showers. I just don't think I could handle the overload of baby games and baby stuff. No one has been offended by my not going. They know I care because I took the time and energy to get them a gift. Good luck with everything! I hope all goes well with TTC!

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005), Protein C deficiency & Lupus Anticoagulant (2 Heparin shots/day since 14 weeks)

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Re : Pregnant friend

Postby angelkat » Tue Nov 02, 2004 08:54 am


After Katlyne passed away my sister became pg. It was so hard for me to deal with planning her shower etc... She never knew the sex of the baby until she was born.. I guess, I didn't have time to really think how i would feel if she was having a girl or a boy.

The hardest part for me was finding out the sex of Casey. I wasn't sure how I was going to act if it was a girl. Instead I was blessed with a baby boy who does have his sister in him...

Sending you huge hugs

Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site ... ope&Sort=V

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Re : Pregnant friend

Postby mom2tori » Tue Nov 02, 2004 08:01 am

Melissa, I totally understand where you are coming from. You feel so conflicted because you want to be happy that someone is having a healthy baby but you feel angry and cheated because that baby isn't yours. I feel that all the time and my son has been gone for 7 years. Sometimes it is worse than others and I am getting better at holding a new baby without bursting into tears but sometimes just thinking about someone elses pregnancy really rubs me wrong. I am going through all my emotions again today when I was told my husbands aunt had her baby last night. This is a woman who was pregnant the first time I met her and she was very drunk so right there I am not impressed and dislike her on sight. She has 3 other children whom she hardly takes care of and was involved in drugs in her own home with her kids there and I just get so angry that someone like that is allowed by the lord to continue to have these children who didn't ask for that way of life. So today I am angry that she has a baby with little to no problems and I had to bury my firstborn son and struggle to get my daughter. I know life isn't fair and sucks-people tell me that all the time- but that doesn't take away all the emotions. Maybe talking to your co-worker and telling her how conflicted you are feeling and how much of a blessing she is being given will make you feel somewhat better, who knows maybe it won't but at least you would have done and said something instead of keeping it all locked inside. I wish you the best and hope that every time you see your co-worker you won't feel this hurt and need to turn away.

Alissa mommy to:
Dominic 9/10/97-9/11/97
Victoria 1/8/02

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Re : Pregnant friend

Postby kdreher » Tue Nov 02, 2004 07:31 am

I can understand how you feel about being around pregnant women. My sister had a baby in May (girl), my SIL is due in Jan (boy), my cousin in due in Dec (boy), and coworker just had a baby in Oct (boy). All of these pregnancies have been very hard to deal with. I know for me, everyone understands I lost a child and I openly talked about my pregnancy and what to expect...perhaps you can sit down with your friend and tell her how you feel, she might not really understand. For those that sort of brush you off regarding your second baby, if you have the courage, correct them about this being your second. I know it is so hard....I really want a girl maybe because I lost my son and if I get pregnant with a boy again I'll feel like the outcome will be the same.

A very emotional ride for all of us.

Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts.

Kris (35)
DH, Tom (34)
My Angel Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks severe pe/HELLP)
Hoping for a little miracle in 2005!

mel h.
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Pregnant friend

Postby mel h. » Tue Nov 02, 2004 06:36 am

I'm sure most of you have been through this ... a good friend of mine whom I also work with so I see her every day, is 18 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday she's having a girl. She's so excited and happy, etc., but I find myself wanting to totally avoid her because it just hurts so much. I hate feeling this way. My group of friends at work will throw her a shower and I just dread it. I want to be a friend to her and be excited for her and all that, but it's so hard. She knows that we're ttc again and mentioned the Chinese lunar calendar to me the other day because she knew that we "wanted a girl." I thought, we already had a girl, and we lost her. It's like people think because our baby only lived 30 minutes that she didn't exist. It makes me want to carry her pictures with me and show them to everyone so they will know that she was a real person.
Thanks for listening.

Mom of Ashley Ann, born at 25 weeks on April 17 due to severe preeclampsia.

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