one year ago...

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one year ago...

Postby calliesmom » Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:07 am

One year ago today, I lost my little girl, Callie, to preeclampsia and HELLP. She was stillborn, and only 1 pound. Today, I just feel numb. It is difficult when no one remembers the date. I think only mommies do because we are closest to the situation. None of my colleagues at work remembered even though I was gone for two months last year recovering, and coming to work today was awful. My family doesn't talk about it because they are afraid of upsetting me, even though I have told them it helps to talk about it.

I just keep going over every minute in the hospital, and remembering how awful the whole experience was. My doctor was in a battle with the (Catholic) hospital to deliver me since I was near death with the PE and HELLP. (The Archdiocese was called and they said they did not approve of delivery, so they would not give permission to induce my labor to save my life, as my husband had requested.) Meanwhile, my little baby had stopped growing two weeks before, and was already severely compromised. She would never make it on her own, even if I could have carried her. My poor husband was afraid of losing me as well as the baby. It was a time I will never forget.

We are fortunate to have a 6 year old who is healthy and amazing, but when he tells me he wishes he had a sister, it just breaks my heart. He will be an only child like I was, and I so wanted for him to have a sibling.

Sorry for the rambling, but today brings up so many feelings. Anger at my body for letting me down, anger at the hospital, sadness for my son and husband, heartache...the feelings are endless. Most of all, I feel like no one remembers her, and that hurts so very much.

Thank you for listening and remembering along with me . It means a great deal.

Callie's Mom


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Re : one year ago...

Postby kdreher » Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:24 am

Oh Callie's Mom I am so sorry you are down today. I wish I could give you a big hug, and have a good cry with you. I need that now and then.

I know it must be hard that no one remembers this day. It isn't just about being sad, it is about remembering a child. I wish your family could reach out to you.

I can tell you that it has been 9 1/2 yrs (will be 10 in March) since I lost Tyler. He was only 15 ounces at birth and lived for two weeks. Each year is just as painful as the next, but time does heal your wounds a bit. Maybe you can do something special for yourself each year to remember Callie.

My mom started buying me inexpensive earrings, bracelet, necklaces that have Tyler's birthstone. My stepmom sends me a nice card or flowers...the little things help.

Thinking of you on this day!

Kris (35)
DH, Tom (34)
Connecticut, USA

Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks severe pe/HELLP)
Working on a little miracle for 2005!

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net
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Re : one year ago...

Postby heatherbbb » Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:40 am

Callies Mom,
I am so sorry!!! Your feelings are very normal and very justified. No one seemed to remember by son's first birthday either (Sept 3), except for my mom and sister whom I had reminded at least a week before. I really resented that all of my in-laws that live near us didn't seem to remember. No one at work noticed either (except for one co-worker that walked in my office while I was bawling my eyes out). I am so sorry there was such an ordeal with the hospital to try to save your life. A baby cannot survive when it's mother is compromised. I pray that you will find comfort and peace in your grief. There are many ideas in the Grief and Loss section about different ways to honor your baby. Let me know if you need help finding the posts. I'm thinking of sending a quilt square in honor of my son for the quilt the Foundation is putting together to honor our little angels. Sending you hugs at this most difficult time!

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005), Protein C deficiency & Lupus Anticoagulant (2 Heparin shots/day since 14 weeks)
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Re : one year ago...

Postby lgw » Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:44 am

I'm thinking of you today too Callie's mom. My one yr. anniversary is in a couple of weeks and i've already started to dread the day. It still feels like we lost our son yesterday. Big hugs. I know it's hard.

lgw
pe & hellp-21wks
11.18.03

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Re : one year ago...

Postby sam » Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:59 am

For Callie's mom

I just wanted you to know that you, callie and your family are in my thoughts and prayers on this very hard day for you all. I wish you comfort and serenity on callie's anniversary.


It's been a year and three weeks since i lost my beloved Jake,he was born still also due to severe atypical PE/class 1 HELLP at 27 wks.

I too go over time and time again what happened, and sometimes it feels like a dream, and other days it feels all too real and painful. But other days i can think of him with such warmth that it fills my very soul. I feel its his way of touching my heart and letting me know he is at peace.

This pain that we feel is a pure validation of the utter love a mother has for her child, and that feeling will never stop. We feel cheated and so sad that something so special has been taken away from us, through no fault of our own, but it doesnt stop me blaming myself, and the questions that roll around my head, especially the what if's??????

I am sorry that people do not want to talk about callie with you, perhaps they feel uncomfortable about that or they do not know what to say to you, death can bring up strange reactions from different people. Many people shy away from such a deep subject in case it does upset us. But i am with you i like to talk about him, and how i felt/feel.

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful network of friends, but i must always broach the subject, they never do. But once we start it really helps, i have found this to be most healing. Many times there are tears and sometimes i can even smile and laugh about silly things that occured during my pregnancy with Jake. I know he would never deny his mummy a modicum of light relief from this all too real, pain and suffering.

if it helps you can talk here about her all you want, we are always here to listen and share. This group never ceases to amaze me with the compassion everyone has for each other and their darling babies.

on Jakes anniversary i lit a candle for him,composed a poem, released a balloon and had a piece of silver jewelery made and engraved for him (which never comes off from around my neck!). A friend also bought him a heavenly first birthday card for him, which really touched my ol' heart deeply.

Just know that we all will remember callie today.

xoxoxo

sam
London,UK
severe atypical PE/class 1 HELLP @ 27wks
13th oct 2003
mummy to angel jake
http://www.shattered-dreams.uk.com/jakehayman.htm
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Re : one year ago...

Postby sweetiesuzy » Thu Nov 04, 2004 01:06 pm

I am so sorry. Please know I am thinking about you and remembering your precious baby.

Hugs,
Suzanna

Aaryngston ~ 3/25/95
Chloe Rose ~ 10/26/01 Stillbirth
Samuel Isaac ~ 12/30/02
Laura Elise ~ 7/19/04

"Children will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for"

"Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have
trouble remembering how to fly"
-Marion Beatty
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Re : one year ago...

Postby for faith » Thu Nov 04, 2004 02:32 pm

Callie's mom - I am thinking of you and your family today. So sorry that no one has remembered the date, know that we here understand. I know the feeling of families not talking about it, I pretty much have the same.

I am so sorry for such a horrible experience for you at the hospital, I had no idea that things like that went on today, that is just horrible. I know what you mean about your 6 year old, I have a 4 year old who really wants his baby sister. It is heartbreaking.

I hope you find a way to honor Callie in your life today and you find some peace. I am so, sorry you have to experience this. HUGS. I hope it is ok if I add Callie to our date list, I think it is a special way for all of us to remember everyone.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH/mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC/Sepsis (preemie complications))
OUR LITTLE MIRACLE due 6/5/05

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 09/02
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Re : one year ago...

Postby julie f » Thu Nov 04, 2004 02:43 pm

You are in my prayers today and I will keep you and Callie close at heart.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator
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Re : one year ago...

Postby angelkat » Thu Nov 04, 2004 03:28 pm

Your in my thoughts and prayers for comfort,strength and peace...

Hugging you tightly in my heart

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V
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Re : one year ago...

Postby josiah1112 » Thu Nov 04, 2004 03:33 pm

I'm so sorry Callie's mom. My son's birthdate is also
coming up next week and one year ago today I was hospitalized..
I hope you find something to do that brings you comfort as you
honor your precious baby. Big cyber hugs to you.

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
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