One year ago today, I lost my little girl, Callie, to preeclampsia and HELLP. She was stillborn, and only 1 pound. Today, I just feel numb. It is difficult when no one remembers the date. I think only mommies do because we are closest to the situation. None of my colleagues at work remembered even though I was gone for two months last year recovering, and coming to work today was awful. My family doesn't talk about it because they are afraid of upsetting me, even though I have told them it helps to talk about it.
I just keep going over every minute in the hospital, and remembering how awful the whole experience was. My doctor was in a battle with the (Catholic) hospital to deliver me since I was near death with the PE and HELLP. (The Archdiocese was called and they said they did not approve of delivery, so they would not give permission to induce my labor to save my life, as my husband had requested.) Meanwhile, my little baby had stopped growing two weeks before, and was already severely compromised. She would never make it on her own, even if I could have carried her. My poor husband was afraid of losing me as well as the baby. It was a time I will never forget.
We are fortunate to have a 6 year old who is healthy and amazing, but when he tells me he wishes he had a sister, it just breaks my heart. He will be an only child like I was, and I so wanted for him to have a sibling.
Sorry for the rambling, but today brings up so many feelings. Anger at my body for letting me down, anger at the hospital, sadness for my son and husband, heartache...the feelings are endless. Most of all, I feel like no one remembers her, and that hurts so very much.
Thank you for listening and remembering along with me . It means a great deal.