Preg again moms - how did you tell?

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Preg again moms - how did you tell?

Postby for faith » Thu Nov 04, 2004 04:54 pm

Moms who got pregnant again after your loss, how did you tell everyone? I am just coming to the realization that I really am pregnant (just saw the heartbeat this week). I am having a very difficult time (so want a baby, but am so scared) and don't want to tell anyone until at least 12 weeks (9 1/2 weeks now). Nervous about telling our family and friends (and work) for fear of their reaction. Knowing they will all be happy, but treat me differently. Feel like it will be back to when we just lost Faith. Sorry for rambling, but feeling so scared about everything.......

Thanks. Know you all would understand this.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH/mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC/Sepsis (preemie complications))
OUR LITTLE MIRACLE due 6/5/05

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 09/02
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Re : Preg again moms - how did you tell?

Postby tawniemarie » Thu Nov 04, 2004 06:13 pm

We're 7 weeks pregnant, and my dh husband and I have only told our parents, and my boss. We couldn't not tell our parents, and I figured that I better tell my boss right away, due to the appointments and stress. She's supportive, and I know she won't tell any other coworkers. Last time it was happiness all around, but my mom took it really hard, even though she knew we were going to start trying. She cried for a long time, and said she hoped nothing would happen to this baby. My in laws are taking it better, but of course their son didn't almost die 8 months ago because of severe pre-e. Usually I have big trouble keeping a secret, but I'm almost dreading the time when we plan to start telling people. I'm really thinking about just letting people find out when it becomes obvious, expect for other family members. One friend I had from high school told me flat out when I was in the hospital a week after Tyler's funeral when I had DVT's that she couldn't get beind us trying for more children, and some people just aren't meant to have them. She and I are no longer friends, and I can't help feeling that people who say nothing on the subject feel like she does.

-Tawn
Mom to Tyler Michael
3-16-04 to 3-21-04 born at 24 weeks due to severe pre-e.
Pregnant with # 2!! He or she will (I Hope) be delivered between the end of May to the begining of June.
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Re : Preg again moms - how did you tell?

Postby mom2tori » Thu Nov 04, 2004 06:18 pm

Jill, it is so hard not to be scared after having to say goodbye to your own child. I was terrified to tell anyone I was pregnant again, I felt like I was replacing my son, which is something that can never be done, but I still felt that way. I cried telling my mom who was almost as scared as me and I am pretty sure I cried telling everyone because I didn't think I could love another child the way I loved my son. I was very distant from the baby during my second pregnancy, kind of afraid to get attached. It wasn't until I was starting to show signs of preeclampsia that I really felt protective and mother like to my unborn girl. I am in awe of you and all the women who have repeatedly lost babies. I don't think I could do it, I know I couldn't do it. I hope that you are able to tell everyone in a way that doesn't distress you or cause you any unneccessary emotional strain. I will keep you in my thoughts that this pregnancy goes smoothly without any problems and that come spring you are blessed with a healthy baby!

Alissa mommy to:
Dominic 9/10/97-9/11/97
Victoria 1/8/02
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Re : Preg again moms - how did you tell?

Postby angelkat » Thu Nov 04, 2004 08:03 pm

Jill,

I didn't tell MY family until I was 3 months (almost 4 months) pg. DH told his family at 8 weeks only because he could not hold it in any longer.

I think my Mom took it the worst... The only thing she said to me was Katlyne passed away 1 year ago. She seemed to be so angry with me which made me feel so guilty. After a few days passed she called me to see how I was feeling and said to me that she was sorry the way she acted. She was just scared for me that she knew I could not handle another loss and from that day on she called all the time to check in to see how I was doing. The best part she was able to be here when I was having my 25 week ultrasound. I made her promise she wouldn't buy anything for the baby until we got passed that mark and even then only a few things. Well, we were blessed with wonderful news that she took me on a shopping to we drop kick.

Ok so enough about me and memories....

You'll know when the time is right to tell everyone. Do not get sad if everyone is not happy for you. They are just worried for you...

I for one am very happy your pg!!

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V
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Re : Preg again moms - how did you tell?

Postby kdreher » Fri Nov 05, 2004 05:52 am

A very good topic..and one I think of often since we are TTC.

I know I will tell my mom, dad, sister, brother right away because they have given me their total support of us trying again..after 9 yrs (for me, second marriage). I thought of NOT telling them till 12 wks but DH said he knows I cannot do that, I have to much support and they would be devestated IF something happened and they didn't know. I won't tell my coworkers for as long as I can. My office knows that I lost a son, but the others around here don't...so I don't want to get involved in telling everyone just yet.

I know it will be tough, I will be worried and scared, but I have a loving family and a great set of docs.


Kris (35)
DH, Tom (34)
Connecticut, USA

Tyler 3-9-95 to 3-23-95 (26 wks severe pe/HELLP)
Working on a little miracle for 2005!

tkstevens@sbcglobal.net
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Re : Preg again moms - how did you tell?

Postby julie f » Fri Nov 05, 2004 10:35 am

The only people we told right away were yall and a couple of close friends that we knew would be supportive. I can't remember exactly when we told our families (I think 9 weeks or so) but, when we did, we didn't do it in person. I did not want to see the looks on their faces and, wanted to give them all time to think of something nice to say [;)]. We sent out little baby announcements that had a picture of the u/s and due date, etc. and then emailed a little photo album with pictures of my belly and the u/s to others. For me, that worked out really well because after people digested the news, then they called and we were spared some comments that might have come otherwise. Andy didn't tell co-workers for quite some time, I think right before we went to Seattle at 15 weeks.

Wishing you lots of strength when you do tell everyone, I pray that they are all very supportive.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

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Re : Preg again moms - how did you tell?

Postby timelessbeauty » Fri Nov 05, 2004 03:21 pm

Faith,

I chose to tell everyone right away instead of hold back. Didn't want to 'back pedal pray' to God to help me if I got in another crisis. I got the prayer chains activated immediately. If you chose not to tell anyone and something, God forbid! goes sour, you may feel even more alone because you have no one to talk to about your grief. Or if you do bring it up, they may feel bad like you didn't trust them with the news or weren't given the opportunity to help when they thought they could have. But on the other hand, some don't know how to help with grief no matter when they find out or how to deal with what you are going through because they have not experienced a like event themselves. I lost my baby boy at 6 months gestation. And I lost my first husband to a heart attack when I was 26. Grief is nothing new to my family. I don't pretend to know all the answers, do what you feel is in your heart to do.




TB
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Re : Preg again moms - how did you tell?

Postby lisac » Sat Nov 06, 2004 03:12 pm

Hi Jill,

I'm about 8 weeks along, and the plan was not to tell my parents until after the first trimester. My thinking was that I just didn't want to deal with lots of questions, excitement or however it is that they'll feel. Unfortunately, last night I was talking to my father on the phone who loves to discuss things like politics. He and I have very different views and he was going on and on and I (being very hormonal right now) blurted out, "please I don't want to talk about this kind of thing because I'm pg!" So now he knows; I made him swear not to tell my mother, but I doubt that will work. I also didn't want to tell my boss, but they painted the office that I work in, so I told my boss so that I could be moved away from the paint odor. Finally, even though I only made it to 24 wks last time, my stomach is expanding much quicker this time. I sit at my desk with my pant button undone & zipper halfway down! Not sure I can hide this from co-workers much longer.

Just wait until you feel the time is right to tell everybody. Do you see your family during Thanksgiving? You'll be close about 12 weeks along then!

Lisa
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Re : Preg again moms - how did you tell?

Postby heatherbbb » Sun Nov 07, 2004 03:19 pm

Jill,
I think I must be the exception to the rule. I told everyone I was pregnant as soon as I found out. I think that most people actually felt relieved because they figured that having another baby will fix everything and erase our loss (like that could ever happen). But I really think that they feel they don't have to feel sorry for me any more. Most people think it will all work out okay (which can be frustrating when I'm at such high risk for PE). Some people have told me that they keep their pregnancy a secret for the first trimester in case something goes wrong. I decided that if I lost the baby that I would want people to know, that I would want to acknowledge that baby as mine. I know that some do not think they could handle that. In truth, I was too excited about the pregnancy to keep it secret. I didn't have the willpower or desire to keep it secret. Also, most people in my life do not realize how dangerous PE is. They do not consider that I am taking a risk with my life, so I didn't have to worry about that kind of reaction. Actually, my mother in law is pressuring my husband to commit to even more children after this one. I had to confront her and make her understand how dangerous PE is. I still don't think she got it. I wish you the best with the decision on when and how to tell people. I hope it goes much better than you have envisioned.

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005), Protein C deficiency & Lupus Anticoagulant (2 Heparin shots/day since 14 weeks)
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Re : Preg again moms - how did you tell?

Postby fiona » Thu Nov 11, 2004 09:20 pm

I became pregnant seven months after my first son died - a 26 weeker who lived for two days. By then I had really given up on people who couldn't handle the twin power of my grief and my desperate desire to become pregnant again. My true friends took me however I was, good days and bad.

It took a few days for me and my husband to adjust to the reality of being pregnant again - the fear, as they say, was back. But after that, i told everyone I cared about: I couldn't have imagined going through it withjout their support, no matter how it turned out. I think that once the worst thing imaginable has happened to you, it's impossible to look at pregnancy the same way again. I don't think I could have coped if I'd had a miscarriage and had no one to turn to.

Six years on from producing a successful 30 weeker, I'm pregnant again. This time (as I'm 38) I only told a couple of my closest friends before we saw the heartbeat. Family has gone into shock this time - I think they thought I'd made it through once, why risk it again? , and part of me is asking that question loud and clear too.

I think you should tell anyone it would help you to have them know. And all the best wishes I can muster for a safe and successful delivery this time.
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