I was 18 weeks pregnant, and everything was going great. I went in for a routine appt, and the Doctor wasn't able to find a heartbeat. She immediately sent me in for an ultrasound, and we found out that our baby was no longer living. I was/am devastated. The hurt that I feel is unbelievable.... we wanted this baby so badly. I was all prepared to face pre-eclampsia again, I was totally unprepared for this. We have no idea what happened, testing is being done, but I'm not expecting to get any answers. I carried the baby for 2 more weeks, trying to decide what we should do. Last week I was induced, and after 16 hours of labor, I delivered our baby weighing 5 ounces, and 8 inches long. We think it was a girl, but we should find out for certain. The most painful thing in the world for me, was holding that baby, weeping, wishing that somehow this was all a bad dream.... It is hard for me to accept that I'm not pregnant anymore. Every part of my being aches for that baby. There is such a feeling of loss, and incompleteness. I have a strong faith in God, and right now, that's the only thing that's keeping me going. I know that ultimately, I can trust Him, but it sure is hard.
I have found such comfort reading the posts in this forum. I read and cry, and know that I'm not alone in my hurt. Thank you for the encouragement that you have already been to me. I know I will make it through this. It has made us so much more grateful for our daughter, and the incredible joy that she brings to our lives!
Mommy to Kailee - born at 28 weeks
1lb. 13 oz.
Emilee Renee - stillborn 11/3/04