Post Reply FAQ Members Login

One step forward, ten steps back

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support

One step forward, ten steps back

Postby amillhouse » Tue Nov 30, 2004 01:51 pm

by amillhouse (587 Posts), Tue Nov 30, 2004 01:51 pm

I am just feeling overwhelmed. Some of my saddest anniversaries are coming (22 Dec 03, diagnosed with PE and didn't leave the hospital again until 24 Jan 04), all of this TTC'ing and not knowing, all the babies around, everyone excited for Christmas, wondering what it is going to be like to go to the States in a couple of weeks, etc. I keep asking myself what did I do to deserve this??? [V]

I just don't know what to do, but thanks for listening.

Anika

Mommy to Isaiah Dumisani Millhouse
20 January - 17 February 2004
Born at 28 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia
Died at 28 days old of pneumonia
610 grams at birth
950 grams at death
My Angel Boy
"My firstborn, I will never forget you, always love you, and never replace you"
amillhouse
Registered User
 
Posts: 587
Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 05:09 am

Re : One step forward, ten steps back

Postby angelkat » Tue Nov 30, 2004 02:21 pm

by angelkat (3423 Posts), Tue Nov 30, 2004 02:21 pm

Anika,

Many of us that have had a loss often ask ourselves the same question even after we have had another child. This month is hard for me as it's Katlyne's birthday coming up in a few days and I find myself watching her tribute a few times a week along with pulling out some of her things just to hold on to or even to smell.

I wish you peace during this time of year I know it hard. We are all here for you... Holding your tightly in our arms....

Hugs
~T
Moderator Grief and Loss
Mommy to
Drew(14)PE 37 wks
Ky (12)PE 34 wks
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03)25 wks
Casey - 34wks Born 7/29/04
Katlyne's Tribute Site
http://forevernetwork.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=10971&Directory=/Archives/MountHope&Sort=V
angelkat
Registered User
 
Posts: 3423
Joined: Thu May 08, 2003 10:26 am

Re : One step forward, ten steps back

Postby for faith » Tue Nov 30, 2004 02:26 pm

by for faith (1749 Posts), Tue Nov 30, 2004 02:26 pm

Oh Anika ~ My thoughts are with you. I so understand. Christmas last year had me already having PIH and feeling sicker and sicker until New Years. Then I was hospitalized Jan 3rd. Christmas and January following I am secretly dreading. I know we can make it through, even though it is so, so hard. Will be thinking of you.

Jill
mommy to:
Tyler - 4 (36 wks, PIH/mild PE))
Angel baby - 1/20/03 (11 wks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (30 weeks due to severe PE, passed due to NEC/Sepsis (preemie complications))
OUR LITTLE MIRACLE due 6/5/05

trying for #2 to share our lives with since 09/02
for faith
Registered User
 
Posts: 1749
Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2004 02:15 pm

Re : One step forward, ten steps back

Postby josiah1112 » Tue Nov 30, 2004 05:46 pm

by josiah1112 (1368 Posts), Tue Nov 30, 2004 05:46 pm

Anika,

Feelings like yours are all too common. Last year my husband
took me on a cruise to the Carribean during the Holiday season.
(We had just lost Josiah) It seemed like a punishment at the time.
It was hard to see people living and having vacations with their
children and laughing. All I wanted to do was die.. I have made
it (just like you are making it) one day at a time. Some days/seasons
are harder than others but we will get through. I am so sorry that your precious Isaiah is not physically there besides you.
Please remember that you did nothing to deserve what happened. It's
just part of being human. Don't you wish we could live in the Garden
of Eden and sin/death had never come into this world?
I will be thinking of you. Take Care,

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e
Moderator- Foro Latino
Future Adoptive Mom
josiah1112
Registered User
 
Posts: 1368
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2003 09:50 pm

Re : One step forward, ten steps back

Postby mom2tori » Tue Nov 30, 2004 07:21 pm

by mom2tori (3842 Posts), Tue Nov 30, 2004 07:21 pm

It is so hard to get into holiday spirit when you feel like a chunk of your heart just isn't here. In my mind I know I did nothing wrong to make my son die, but my heart sometimes has a hard time hearing that. I am sure that is the same with a lot of women who have lost such a big part of themselves. I am hoping that this holiday season is easier than you are expecting and that you are able to find some joy in the holidays and the fact that you are a mommy to an extraordinary little boy. I will be sure to keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and as Gloria said, we take every day one day at a time!

Alissa mommy to:
Dominic 9/10/97-9/11/97
Victoria 1/8/02
mom2tori
Registered User
 
Posts: 3842
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2004 12:57 pm

Re : One step forward, ten steps back

Postby tinalowe » Wed Dec 01, 2004 00:05 am

by tinalowe (288 Posts), Wed Dec 01, 2004 00:05 am

*hugs you tight* Anika, I know what you mean. Normally Christmas is my favorite time of year, but in a way i am dreading it this year. Last year we were so full of joy expecting Emma. This year it seems I keep thinking about what should have been. Just rememrb we are all here for you anytime you need us Anika.

Tina 23
DH Dereck 27

Emma Victoria stillborn 12-28-03 severe pre-e


tinalowe
Registered User
 
Posts: 288
Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2004 09:46 pm

Re : One step forward, ten steps back

Postby heatherbbb » Wed Dec 01, 2004 05:23 pm

by heatherbbb (603 Posts), Wed Dec 01, 2004 05:23 pm

Anika and all of those facing a difficult season,
I am so sorry that life can be so tough. I too feel like the holidays will be difficult without my son. Anika, none of us deserved this. Knowing that you all are out there too, struggling to get by and make the best of this season gives me strength. I know I am not alone with my struggles. I will pray for all of us that are missing our little ones during what should be a joyful season.

Heather (32)
Mother of Seth Russell, delivered 26 weeks due to PE/HELLP 9/3/03-2/13/04
http://members.cox.net/heatherbbb/seth/seth.htm
Due with Joshua Allen -scheduled C-section @ 39 weeks (about Jan 20, 2005), Protein C deficiency & Lupus Anticoagulant (2 Heparin shots/day since 14 weeks)
Gestational Diabetes Discoverd at 28 weeks
heatherbbb
Registered User
 
Posts: 603
Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2004 07:19 am

Re : One step forward, ten steps back

Postby julie f » Wed Dec 01, 2004 06:58 pm

by julie f (7993 Posts), Wed Dec 01, 2004 06:58 pm

Anika,

Last Christmas was my first Christmas after losing Zach and it was so lonely and exhausting. It is so hard to be joyful when the only thing we want to celebrate has been taken.

I will keep you and all of us in my prayers,

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

Miracle in progress... #2 is due February 2005!!!

Southern California Coordinator
User avatar
julie f
Registered User
 
Posts: 7993
Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2003 11:56 am

Re : One step forward, ten steps back

Postby rachel » Fri Dec 03, 2004 12:18 am

by rachel (116 Posts), Fri Dec 03, 2004 12:18 am

It is so comforting to read your posts and know that I'm not alone in my mixed feelings this Holiday season. It hurts so much to remember that I should still be pregnant with Emilee. Part of me wants to throw myself into the holidays for my daughter, and another part wants to curl up and weep for the little girl that I'll never have. I try so hard to go on, but at times I can't keep the pain from overwhelming me. Anyway, I'm so sorry that any of us have to go through this. Just know that you're not alone...

Rachel
Mommy to Kailee Anne- born 12/20/01 at 28 weeks
1lb. 13 oz.
Emilee Renee - stillborn 11/3/04
rachel
Registered User
 
Posts: 116
Joined: Fri Jun 20, 2003 07:41 pm

Re : One step forward, ten steps back

Postby gill » Fri Dec 03, 2004 05:23 pm

by gill (4 Posts), Fri Dec 03, 2004 05:23 pm

As an older mum (my son Adam would have been 14 on 11/11/04) I still find Nov, Dec and Jan (Adam passed 4 Jan after a huge fight) a very difficult time of year. I don't think things have got easier over the years (as many people like to tell me they should) but things are now different. I still weep for my darling son but I am also very proud and happy to have had my brave son with me even for a short time. I only found this site recently and have already taken great strength from the amazing ladies here and we can all gain great strength knowing we are not alone. If anyone at any time wnats to off load on me they are more than welcome email me at any time.

All my love and prayers over this difficult season.

Gill

Mum to Adam 11/11/90 - 04/01/91
gill
Registered User
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Nov 06, 2004 04:30 pm

Next

Return to Grief and Loss

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron