Feeling overwhelmed

[mary]

Hi
I am pretty new here, but feeling quite desperate for support.

This is my second pregnancy-- I am 36 weeks. My first pregnancy ended at 35 weeks with mild PE. I had a nightmarish labour and delivery which ended after 27 hrs with a C-section and nerve damage (I was unable to walk for 2 months). In the recovery room, I had my first blood pressure spike and mag-sulf. Things stabilized until later that week when my pressure rose again and I was also diagnosed with HELLP. I never did have complete renal failure, but all I can remember from that period was the noise of ICU, not being able to be with my baby, and feeling like I was dying.

We were blessed to have a perfectly healthy little girl.

It took 5 years for us to have the courage to try again.

My BP is up in this pregnancy but so far no protein. My OB is amazing-- follows us closely and has prepped a team of specialists to be available if things worsen. He'll probably deliver at 37.5 weeks.

Here's the issue. I'm terrified. I was so sick the last time and now I have a 5 yr old to worry about too. I know that the chances are that things won't be as bad this time, but they might be even worse and I can't let go of that. Although I do love the baby that I am carrying, I am finding myself wishing that we hadn't gotten pregnant in the first place.

Mary

[annegarrett]

Hi Mary,

I am glad you posted. What you are feeling is so normal--the women who have traumatic events have feelings that can be described as post-traumatic stress disorder and you have just passed that mark where all * broke loose--it makes good sense that you would just be incredibly anxious.

The good news is that 50-80% of women who have what you had don't have it a second time--and you are past 36 weeks so really "at term" so if you even start sliding down the slippery slope--delivery is a good option and you can avoid things getting as terrible and traumatic as they did last time. I would encourage you talking frankly with your doctor--especially as you feel comfortable with their care--and I would post the warning signs on the fridge and then just stay aware of them. Sometimes by verbalizing your fears--you actually are able to get a better handle on them. I feel really confident that between your good care, your own awareness, and where you are at in the pregnancy that things will work out well for you.

So many women here really get where you are at emotionally--so I am sure you will get some great support.

Take care and let us know how the next month goes...



Anne Garrett
Executive Director
Preeclampsia Foundation

[jabeau]

So far so good, wish you the very best. I know you are scared but it should be over soon and hopefully everything will be fine. Good luck.
God Bless, Julie

[paljane8]

Hang in there, Mary. We are here for you. You can do this!

Nancy-35
dh-34
ds-8yrs
dd-7yrs
Scott-born 05-14-99 @38 weeks-PE
Janie-born 05-12-03 @37 weeks-PIH, small for gestational age (oligo and low blood flow)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/4/4lbs/

[laura]

Oh, Mary, I SO understand what you're feeling right now! Only I hit near hysteria in my second trimester of my second pregnancy. I was so panicked, I couldn't sleep at night! I'd sit up all night and worry about all the bad things that could happen. It was horrible! I was having panic attacks every day. Luckily, then, I found this place and talking about it, understanding what the specific risks were and how to recognize them went a LONG way to making me feel better. And I know exactly what you're talking about... just what the heck did I get myself into? but now, 6 mos after having my second child-- joy of my life-- it's clear that it was worth it to us!

And 36 weeks? You're practically done! Hang in there- you're almost there. Let us know how you're doing!

Laura-28
DH Jack-30
Allie 5-13-98 (35 weeks-pre-e)
Baby Camille 4-17-03 (36 weeks- htn and oligo)
http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/c/camilleandallie/

[mary]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. We're hanging in there. So far no protein although my bp tends to fluctuate a great deal. Our OB, whom we saw again today, is truly amazing-- never makes us feel neurotic with our worries. He's doing another biophysical profile tomorrow (had one last week) and will repeat again on Monday. He'll deliver next Thursday at the latest.

I do indeed stay up nights obsessing about all that could go wrong. I am assured that the baby is fine-- there were no issues with the profile last week-- its just that last time we had no idea how bad things could get and how quickly they could progress-- from being fine to in ICU in an hour. And, I was lucky-- when I read of what could have happened....

How I wish that I could have a pregnancy and delivery experience free from all this terror. I know that things could be fine but I will always be waiting for the worse. And, believe me, I am gifted at imaging the worst!

I am trying really hard not to let my fears show to my 5 yr old. She knows that I am sick and have to stay in bed, I told her that I was sick when I had her and "see- Mommy's fine now" and that sometimes Mommys get sick when they have babies but I have a wonderful doctor (my OB's kid is in my daughter's kindergarten class) who will give me medicine and look after me. I know the probability of mortality is slim (except in my imagination) and I don't want to scare her. Does anyone have advise on what we should tell her now (and later, if I do get sicker)?

Last night she crawled into bed with us and I spent hours stroking her hair and looking at her sleeping, peaceful face. I remembered the first moment I held her and all fear and pain vanished as I knew that she was worth any sacrifice I would ever make. Soon, I will hold another small baby in my arms, and just maybe the fear will pass-- even if I continue to suffer physically....

Mary

[catherine]

Don't worry too much about your daughter. My son coped very well at 4 1/2 when I was really sick and equally well this summer when I had another baby. He was aware that I was sick but it didn't distress him enormously. Maybe this was because we didn't have goldfish then and so he didn't really understand about death the way he does now LOL!

It gets scary the closer you get to delivery, but you are in the zone now. The reality of it is that sometimes you will look at your little girl and stroke her hair and wonder if it might be one of the last times that you get the chance to do something so sweet, but more importantly, remember that most people don't experience a severe reoccurance of HELLP and that your medical team know what you might do and are watching out for you so that you will safely deliver your baby.

Best wishes

Catherine (37)
DH, Dave (40)
Finn (6)
Lucy (2)
Chloe (7/2/03)

[sweetiesuzy]

Your feelings are valid. I am sending you good wishes, prayers and hugs. You will make it and your other child will be fine! I know many women here have done this with other children. My son was 7 and 8 when some major health related pregancy issues happened for me and I was scared, worried and insane sometimes - but he did fine with everthing. Sometimes I think our children are stronger than we are!

Keep us posted!
Suzanna

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." - Thoreau

DS 3/25/95
DD Stillbirth 10/26/01
DS 12/30/02