How are your friends/family dealing with PG?

Are you pregnant again after having preeclampsia once already in a previous pregnancy? Post your thoughts/concerns here - there are others who share your feelings. This is also the home of our Bedrest Buddies Support group.
melissam
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Re : How are your friends/family dealing with PG?

Postby melissam » Tue Jan 17, 2006 07:46 am

Everyone thinks I am insane as well, though much more excited about it than your friends and family. My family is very worried, so that has removed a lot of their excitement. When I tell people that I am pregnant they say "Congratulations. I will keep you in my prayers". [:)] But you know, I am not doing this for them. I am excited for me (Although the morning sickness is dampening my spirits a bit) and I am very excited for you. We are all crazy and we are all crazy together. At least we know we are in good company.

Many hugs Jessica, I hope they can be happy for you soon.

lucy
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Re : How are your friends/family dealing with PG?

Postby lucy » Tue Jan 17, 2006 06:17 am

Jess, sorry they are being like that honestly our family hasnt been too great and we havent told some of them because of their attitudes (case in point one calls us every day leaving rude messages says awful things etc).

I hope they come around soon, hugs.

jkaay
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Re : How are your friends/family dealing with PG?

Postby jkaay » Mon Jan 16, 2006 02:49 pm

Well, all of those people are just ignorant. They don't know what to say or how to talk to you and your husband, and so sometimes say the wrong things. And, your loved ones are scared for you. They knowyour decisions are none of their business, but at the same time are afraid they will have to cope with losing you. That's not an excuse for their insensitivity now tho, and I'm sorry they aren't filled with joy at the thought of this new little life! Have you tried, "It hurts my feelings when you..."

I wish you hope and confidence and strength[:p]

lyndsey
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Re : How are your friends/family dealing with PG?

Postby lyndsey » Mon Jan 16, 2006 10:23 am

Jessica~ I am sorry that your family/friends are being this way. It seems rediculous and borderline cruel to have something as wonderful as a baby on the way be such a sore subject with the people you need the most. I hope they all get their heads screwed on straight soon and realize that there isn't a single thing any of them can do to make this situation of potential problems better or worse and just get on the happy train! You are obviously doing all you can to be cautious and know better than anyone what is going on. I hope things change for you really soon. What Lizzybeth said is very true-- some people just don't know how to deal with illness. So far I have been relatively fortunate. Everyone is at least mildy excited (its the 4th grandchild in 3 years so its practically "old news" for the in-laws) and my friends are all really excited for me. I think my case is a little of the opposite from you. Because my mom didn't have preeclampsia with my brother, everyone is assuming that I won't get it in my second pregnancy and that its "very rare" to get it more than once. They have a lot of "info" on the subject and since its the same father I won't have the same reaction.:) Mostly I just try to correct them and sometimes have to just roll my eyes and let it go; they read one article on preeclampsia and now they're experts. So in my case, no one is worried that it could possibly happen again and don't understand even some of the minor precautions I've tried to take. Obviously I hope I don't get it again, too, but I refuse to pretend that its not a possibility. I hope things start looking up for you and your friends/family. ((HUGS))

cdingmama
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Re : How are your friends/family dealing with PG?

Postby cdingmama » Mon Jan 16, 2006 09:41 am

I'm on my 3rd pregnancy and everyone has been great. Even with my 2nd they were fine. I do have a friend however that had PE in her first and a coworker flat out told her she was stupid to get pregnant again.

I am very sorry people are not being supportive. I rember my peri after Caleb said don't be afraid to have more children because this disease can be treated. (my PE was not diagnosed until it was too late to do anything) I don't think you own anyone an explanation and if you do feel you need to respond I would say I have a team of the very best Dr.s watching me very closely. (((HUGS)))

thw75
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Re : How are your friends/family dealing with PG?

Postby thw75 » Mon Jan 16, 2006 08:37 am

I am lucky in that everyone is excited for us, yet worried at the same time. I have actually been the one telling people not to give us baby stufff, etc, until we know that baby will be ok. That said, as I am now in week 26 (right when I was hospitalized for Kay) everyone is scared and anxious, including us, so I've been more reassuring to my folks that I'm feeling fine, etc etc, than dwelling on the what ifs -- tho they are looming large in my mind. I can relate to feeling like if something goes wrong everyone will be very upset (why did she even do this again????) including me....how could I/they not be? But there are no guarantees for ANYONE who is pregnant, PE issues or not, and I refuse to let fear and worry of 'what ifs' dominate my life right now. I agree with Liz, you don't owe ANYONE explanations....does the world consult you before making each medical/healthcare decision? No! Its your body, your life, and you've got to do what you think is right for you. Its hard for people to see it that way because they are worried, but its the truth I think.

lizzybeth
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Re : How are your friends/family dealing with PG?

Postby lizzybeth » Mon Jan 16, 2006 01:53 am

Jessica,

First, there is no reason/excuse/explanation that makes it " OK " that friends and family are not supportive and joyful WITH you.
Having said that, there are lots of people that just have no clue how to deal with physical illness, and add in that the illness is tied to pregnancy and possible loss of a fetus or infant, there is no hope.People don't know what to say, how to act or react and, well, tend to not have any response. Then there are those that blurt out their initial reaction. Yes, there are some that would question why anyone would willingly get PG when there is a risk of fatality. They loose sight of the fact that it is a RISK, not a guarantee.

I don't think that you need to make any explanation of why you and DH have chosen to have another child, nor explain all the precautions you are taking. If I were you, I think I might just call a few people on the real issue: they don't know how to interact with you around this issue. I would bring it up gently and coach them on how they CAN talk about the worst case scenario and still celebrate the current joy with you.Even if it is just you paving the way by talking about the pregnancy just like you do with your dear sisters here at PF, that would likely help. No, it is unlikely that anyone who has not had a traumatic pregnancy will understand like we do here, but they can be a supportive friend/family member.

My parents were shocked and demostratively worried when I told them I was pregnant with Jillian. All the Pg related complications I have had and being 40 years old, I understood the worry. But, I just kept talking and eventually they were able to acknowledge both the worry and the happiness.

I truly hope that your family and friends can come to accept this pregnancy and have both the fun and the worry with you. You know that us Internet Aunties will always be here for you as well.

(((((((((((Jess))))))))))))))))
lizzybeth

missgamecock
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Re : How are your friends/family dealing with PG?

Postby missgamecock » Mon Jan 16, 2006 00:18 am

Oh Jess I could have written this post when I was pregnant with Sara and probably did. They don't seem excited about it because they worry (at least that is what I told myself). However, when Sara came, everyone forgot about what a hard difficult pregancy it was (except my pcp who thinks I am truly nuts for wanting another, lol) and they just love her to death. Don't worry. When the baby gets here, they will be excited. I know how hard to say it now, because you want everyone to be as excited as you. They are just probably being worry warts. They will come around. If they don't we'll celebrate with you.

tafkap
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How are your friends/family dealing with PG?

Postby tafkap » Sun Jan 15, 2006 11:38 pm

How are your friends and family dealing with your second (or better) pregnancies?

Two of my oldest and dearest friends have barely mumbled a response. One actually asked me why I wanted more children when I would be risking "passing on" whatever it is that I have that causes me to get preeclampsia. (She also has no children of her own).

My parents have not said "Congratulations" at all. No Christmas presents for the baby- not even a small little mention of the fact that we were growing a new life.

I understand that with the second I'm not necessarily entitled to all the "stuff". It's not the "stuff" that I want. It's the recognition. The happiness.

We worry enough for every single person we know- times a hundred. We have taken so many extra precautions on this pregnancy that when we talk to people who have had "normal" birth experiences they think we're truly insane. We have incredibly excellent health care through several doctors and we're approaching the pregnancy with a seriously HUGE team effort.

My parents know this. I also know that they are parents- they will worry. My mother flat out thinks I'm suicidal for attemping this. I just don't understand why everyone (friends included) can't just get on board with being at least SLIGHTLY happy for us. After all, if they really think I'm endangering myself by being pregnant- than why in the world would I want to spend my last months on earth feeling like I've somehow done something wrong??


I feel like on one hand I've done my job well- everyone now realizes what we went through by not bringing our baby home from the hospital, and everyone now knows what preeclampsia is and how serious it can be-but on the other hand, I've failed miserably at explaining why we chose to do this again. I didn't think I needed to explain my choice to have a second child. How many people do you know that feel the need to do that?? Why should I have to- just because I had a complicated first pregnancy?

Truthfully- I never thought I would need to have cyber friends supporting and celebrating my pregnancy. I feel as though if something does go wrong we have somehow given up our privledge of sharing our trials and our pain. Sigh. Just hope that doesn't happen- for more than just that reason!


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