Foster Parenting Questions

This forum includes topics that don't fit neatly in other areas. Also home to our Weight Loss Buddies support group.
yvonne_cody
Registered User
Posts: 38
Joined: Tue Oct 31, 2006 04:04 pm

Re : Foster Parenting Questions

Postby yvonne_cody » Fri Nov 10, 2006 09:30 am

i was a foster child my entire life. i met lots of foster children. i understand youd want babies but you could become attached and youd be shocked how many go back to homes you know wont be good for them. also you may have to take in older kids. all these kids have been though a lot. most have developmental or emotional problems due to neglect. its not easy. id look into it if you are interested. lord knows we need some good foster parents out there. i personally had my share of both. good luck in whatever your decision is.

kara
Forum Moderator
Posts: 6614
Joined: Wed Jan 04, 2006 05:10 pm
Location: Midland, TX
Contact:

Re : Foster Parenting Questions

Postby kara » Mon Nov 06, 2006 09:21 am

Your DH may just be saying no to protect you from getting your heart broken. I think the chances of getting an infant is on the small side, and then the chances of having to give that infant up, or to another adopting family is big. I'm sure he just wants to protect you. I say do more research and talk to someone about it at your local department of chilren and family (or whatever it is called in your state). The stipends are generally small and only assist in covering the most basic of needs...nothing like any of us would spend on our children if we could. But if the goal is too adopt then the stipend shouldn't matter much. I wish you the best in whatever your decision will be. There are so many kids that would love to have families of their own. Foster care and adoptive parents are truly special people. Good luck.

timelessbeauty
Registered User
Posts: 1712
Joined: Thu Mar 27, 2003 01:15 pm

Re : Foster Parenting Questions

Postby timelessbeauty » Mon Nov 06, 2006 09:15 am

All I can tell you is that I have met foster parents in my area and I have been talking about the idea with my husband. I love children so much that even though I have some of my own, I would still love to give my attentions and affections to those that need a positive stable force in their life. But that's just me. You have to figure out what you think you can handle. Should you do it short term, there is the heartbreak of the families that get their act together and have a chance at getting their children back because they've satisfied the court requirements to clean up their act. That doesn't mean you couldn't very well end up with that child again should the individuals mess up again but it's a process you have to think through carefully. Counseling, even if not mandated I think is a great idea because there would be so many issues that could come up that you would like to get another opinion on or help in dealing wtih them.

I've had a personal friend of mine tell me they have thought about me doing foster care and you can get a real feel for problems you may encounter by having a heart to heart with those around you to get their impression of how they perceive you handling it as well. But ultimately, you are the one to truly know if you can do it.

I support your further investigation into this area if you are seriously thinking about it. They have classes usually that you attend to get to understand what you would be dealing with and doing. That may help you decide right there.

browncow
Registered User
Posts: 211
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2004 12:42 am

Re : Foster Parenting Questions

Postby browncow » Mon Nov 06, 2006 08:51 am

Ok my questions.

Am I crazy for even thinking about this? Please be honest.
Is it right to do? That you even consider it is good but to what degree, only you can determine.


How would I handle it if I had a child and the parents came back after I raised them for quite a few months? Attachments-and resentments-are easily formed, thus counseling and (allegedly, in Florida at least) extensive background screening are necessary (*note* that isn't saying you do or could harbor deep resentments, it's generalized)


Could I handle it? This I dont know this I am scared about. Again, it's a personal determination/soul searching but your interest is a positive sign.


How would you feel? How would you prepare yourself for this posibility? I honestly don't know. My first three and 1/2 months of life were spent in foster care prior to my adoption and now knowing my birthmother's story, I don't know if I could emotionally handle the long-term foster process of coming/going/coming/going, you know what I mean? Knowing I helped a child would be immensely satisfying but if he/she left or was taken without further contact, the "what if" and "where" would always be in the back of my mind (which was my mindset growing up as an adoptee).


I would want an infant of course. Is that wrong? It's not wrong or always realistic. I dertainly don't mean that harshly but the bulk of children in foster care are older.

And I would want long term with option to adopt. Is this crazy? Again, not crazy or always an (immediate) option. State laws may require "getting your feet wet" prior to an adoption though addressing adoption desires up front is fine.

I have good feelings and bad feeling about looking into it and doing it. I believe it would be a healing for me. But then again I could be setting myself up for more heartache. Maybe I will calm down and be able to get pregnant on my own. Who knows? Again, it's the personal decision and soul searching, as TLC says, "Life. Unscripted."

I know I could love the child with all my heart. And be a good mommie to the child. But could my heart take it if they were taken away? This would be my worry, too, it'd take a lot of counseling, prayer, research, and meeting with other foster parents to prepare myself for the inevitable.

How would people react to this child? Would people be afraid to bond with it? I know for me it would be love at first site. I wouldnt want the baby to leave me ever. I had bonding problems when Connor was born and was so ashamed of myself (still am though I've heard similar stories form others). I was told not to get attached to her unless she lived for two weeks and though that made me insanely angry, I actually created distance just in case. The lesson I learned: love with all your heart, every minute of the day, because that means more than what anyone else can say or do.

I mentioned it to dh and he immediately said no. Could I change his mind? Is it worth changing his mind? You can't change his mind, he's got to do that on his own. Perhaps counseling, speaking with other foster parents will show him an angle he's not considered but move slowly and cautiously lest the road get rocky.

What can I do? What would you guys do? I need all the advise I can get on this. I have been thinking alot about it since I talked to my friend.

Is this a good idea or a bad one? Research everything thoroughly, learn the foster care process completely. Don't commit until you and your spouse are comfortable/secure with the knowledge and resulting decisions. Prepare emotionally, physically, and financially, though there's no way to ever be 100% prepared for the changes (known and unforeseen) lying ahead. Education and support will take you a long way.

And yes, stipends are available to foster families but they won't break the bank. Budgetary and time management factor greatly into the foster care equation.

Still, best of luck and I hope that whatever decision you make works out for you! [:)]

missgamecock
Registered User
Posts: 6064
Joined: Fri May 30, 2003 06:34 pm

Re : Foster Parenting Questions

Postby missgamecock » Mon Nov 06, 2006 07:32 am

I think it is a wonderful idea for you. My only concern would be would you be able to handle a sick/abused child (which I think you can). Would you be able to let them go if they are reunited with their parents.

jwalker327
Registered User
Posts: 226
Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2006 09:28 pm

Re : Foster Parenting Questions

Postby jwalker327 » Mon Nov 06, 2006 00:16 am

Hi Denise,
I myself have talked this over with my husband, the lady across the road from us is an open foster family like your friend and she just had a little girl adopted into a family that she has raised since she was 2-3yrs old. I talked to her about it and she said it is very hard no matter who is doing this but the thing is they are going to a home where they are wanted!<except when the abusive family sometimes wins> Not that she doesn't want them just she loves to open her home to needy children.
So after talking to her and me and DH got to talking about and we decided to do it when the kids get in high school. I enjoy motherhood...and I would love these children with all my heart and giving him/her up would be very hard but I know that another little angel may need me soon and that he/she will start the circle of love all over again. I have a big heart, so does DH and we feel we have enough love to pass on to many children.
I'm sure you would get people at first afraid to bond with the child but family will come around, most times when they see you are happy. Just you have to prepar yourself the best you can, and ask yourself why you want to do this...this is what my neighbor asked me...
1. What is my goal fostering children?
2. Can I handle seeing sick abused children <some are sexualy and physically>?
3. Am I just looking for another cute cuddly little baby?
4. Am I going to be able to give them back up?
etc.

I hope you can really think this out and pick what is best for you and your DH sometimes men take time much more time to heal then women. Also, he maybe saying no cause he just lost Madi and he may not want to go though the pain of losing another child.
oxoxo,

sonja
Forum Moderator
Posts: 5658
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 02:00 pm

Re : Foster Parenting Questions

Postby sonja » Sun Nov 05, 2006 11:51 pm

That is so awesome that you would consider doing this. My concern for you is that in so many spots in your message you question your ability to be able to give up a child. I would think that the percentage of people who actually get to keep an infant that they are foster parents to would be very low - something to check into. I don't think that this would be a very easy way to go about adopting a child - which is what it sounded like you would like to do eventually. I am sorry if I am reading your message wrong - I don't want to misinterpret you - I know that this is a very hard decision for you. Also, if your husband is against it then you have to give him time. If I were in your shoes I would gather as much info as possible, explain to your dh what you have learned and then give both of you time to think it through. Being a foster parent is such an awesome thing, but it seems to be so hard. Good luck to you on your decision making.

Joy

keneke68
Registered User
Posts: 530
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2005 01:28 pm

Foster Parenting Questions

Postby keneke68 » Sun Nov 05, 2006 11:41 pm

Ok girls I have some questions.

When my mom was here we went and visited a dear friend of the family. She lost her dh in April. He was the gentleman that spoke at Madisons memorial. Well we were talking about all kinds of things. Madison her dh and their daughter my best friend who died at 16 in a car accident. I love this family so very much. And I hold dear what they say and what they suggest.

Well......She says to me. Why dont you and Allen do foster care? She tells me she is going to start doing it again in her home. They fostered a little girl and adopted her. They got her when she was 3 days old. She is now 15.

She tells me that she thinks that we would be great at it. I can do long term, short term, babies, all ages, long term with the opption to adopt. I was speechless at first. Then my questions started.

This is the info she gave me. The state pays you to foster the children. And the parents can or cant be in their lives. So it could mean having to let them go for visitations. Also the parents rights are severed after 18 months if they dont get their act together. Or if they gave them up then they have 18 months to change their mind. And if they dont then the child is legally able to be adopted. And you would have the first opourtunity to adopt if that child was in your home. Also even after the child is adopted they still recieve medical and monatary supplements until age 18. I was like OMG WOW. I had no idea. Also when they adopted their daughter they paid for the adoption cost $500 dollars and the state reimbursed them. She told me I really should investigate further if I am interested.

Ok my questions.
Am I crazy for even thinking about this? Please be honest.
Is it right to do?
How would I handle it if I had a child and the parents came back after I raised them for quite a few months?
Could I handle it? This I dont know this I am scared about.
How would you feel? How would you prepare yourself for this posibility?
I would want an infant of course. Is that wrong?
And I would want long term with option to adopt. Is this crazy?
I have good feelings and bad feeling about looking into it and doing it. I believe it would be a healing for me. But then again I could be setting myself up for more heartache. Maybe I will calm down and be able to get pregnant on my own. Who knows?
I know I could love the child with all my heart. And be a good mommie to the child. But could my heart take it if they were taken away?
How would people react to this child? Would people be afraid to bond with it? I know for me it would be love at first site. I wouldnt want the baby to leave me ever.
I mentioned it to dh and he immediately said no. Could I change his mind? Is it worth changing his mind?
What can I do? What would you guys do? I need all the advise I can get on this. I have been thinking alot about it since I talked to my friend.
Is this a good idea or a bad one?

Oh boy sorry so long guys


Return to “Misc”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest