by hellpful_me (16 Posts), Wed Oct 14, 2009 05:10 pm
After 1 stillbirth, 2 miscarriages, and a very complicated pregnancy that gave me my miracle baby, I had essure surgery two weeks ago to permanently end my fertility. I have been thinking about this for years and was 100% sure that I wanted to do this after my last m/c in 06.
Since 1 wk leading up to the surgery, I've been flooded with memories of the loss of my first son, the m/c's, caring for my living preemie with all his complications, and the cruel treatment I received from my stbxh and his family when things were tough. Feelings of sorrow, anger, regret, of being cheated out of what should have been wonderful experiences. I'm not upset about the future. I know I'm truly lucky to have any child at all. But now that I can finally end this chapter in my life, I've gone back into mourning all that I have lost..., my children, my marriage, my dreams, siblings to my son. I'm also extremely relieved to finally have closure on all that has happened. It's all behind me and no longer lurking about my future. I don't really know how to explain it, but there's a feeling of healing in all this, but it's still a hard task.
I'm not looking for advice. I guess I just needed to talk about this somewhere that people can truly get it and KNOW. Thanks for listening.
Matthew~2/98~stillborn at 30wks due to placental abruption from Severe PE and Hellp
Ben~1/01~34 wk preemie~maternal elevated liver enzymes, velamentous insertion of umbilical cord, heart murmur, jaundice, immature digestive system, bronchomalacia, asthma, autistic spectrum disorder, plus a few other preemie issues. (all outgrown except the ASD and asthma).