Do you ever feel guilty? (child loss ment too)

Are you part of the NICU club? Do you have a child who is still struggling with the effects of being born too soon from preeclampsia? Share your concerns and stories here among parents who have been there.
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Do you ever feel guilty? (child loss ment too)

Postby missgamecock » Mon May 18, 2009 10:07 pm

I have been going through a lot of guilt lately. One of the reasons we waited 6 years for Sara was because Kirsten was very very sick as a baby with severe asthma and immune system issues. She was constantly sick till she was about 5 years old. I spent many nights holding her because I was afraid she would stop breathing because her asthma was so bad. Being that we have a small local hospital. The ped lived a couple of doors down from us. I was a pretty smart mom regarding asthma. I was allowed to keep her home and take care of her with the understanding that I would get the ped in the middle of the night if need be. I was told to just knock on his door. Small town so everyone knows everyone else. I always felt guilty that I didn't keep Kirsten in longer. That maybe if she had been full term she wouldn't have been sick. I got sick too fast with her and I know logically the only choice was delivery or die.

With Sara, she has been pretty healthy. Her worst day with asthma and breathing and immune issues were literally Kirsten's best day. So I thought maybe a one time thing?

Now we have Cate. She has breathing issues, allergies and immune system problems too. She is just as bad as Kirsten was. We have her constantly on a nebulizer. She takes benadryl every single day. This time around I already have her scheduled for an appt with the asthma and allergy clinic at Children's instead of waiting two years. New dr that we adore for our pcp. She was surprised that they took her so young. When I explained our family history and she was premature and I had pe. They made an appt immediately. Now that guilt is back.
This weekend was rough. I am still recovering for surgery. Cate was really really sick all weekend. To the point she was being nebbed every hour to 2 hours. She's on prednisone, albuterol, tylenol and motrin (fever of 101-102 on tylenol), and she is now on benadryl 4 times a day. I held her all weekend. Saturday morning dh threw out his back. He couldn't even move. So we had him in the ER sat morning.

Then Saturday night around 730pm, Cate started turning blue when she was coughing. Her lungs sounded terrible. She had a really wet cough. I thought she sounded like she had bronchitis or pneumonia. So I called the hospital. Found out our dr was on call. Thank God. I was on the phone with her several times Saturday night. She gave me a plan to get her through the weekend and to avoid the ER and hospital. As an asthma mom, I have been through this and know how to do all the things. I already had all the tools at home. I held Cate all weekend so she could breathe and because I was scared she would stop breathing. Dr was like call if you need me.

So I brought Cate in today. This morning I ended up getting trigger point injections in my shoulder (car accident injury that flares up and becomes painful and swollen occasionally). The holding her all weekend really aggravated it. I was telling the dr how worried I had been because she turned blue. I had been worried she would stop breathing. Turns out that she had just gotten a call from the ER because a 3 mos old baby had died of apparent sids. They called to see if there had been problems with the baby. Mom put baby down for a nap and found the baby blue. She said she had thought of Cate when she got the call. She said she was really really glad that I had called her this weekend and held her all weekend even though I ended up needing 6 shots in my shoulder. I feel horrible for that mom but so grateful I didn't put Cate down.

I feel so guilty I couldn't keep her in longer than 36 weeks. I know I kept her in longer than I should have as they wanted to deliver at 34 weeks 6 days and basically gave me an ultimatum (labs every 2 days until I became an emergency or deliver now with amnio while stable). I just wish I could have given her extra time. All three kids have asthma and breathing issues and immune issues. Kirsten and Cate the worst. I feel guilty when I see her struggle. My head says one thing and my heart says another. Everyone says 35-36 week babies are ok. They need all the time they can get. I wish I could smack these people that want to have their baby at 35 weeks because they want a cute small baby, don't want to have a big baby at delivery, or they are tired of being pregnant. I wish I could smack doctors that say 35-36 week babies are full term. They are not. They need that time.

Sorry. Just needed to let out my guilt about her being early. I know there are babies way more earlier than mine. I am grateful they got as far as they did. It's just tough when they are constantly sick and have immune and breathing issues. I hate when people say, well if you had kept her in longer. Like I had a choice about it. Thank God our doctors don't do that. She said you are a great mom today. I did everything right including calling her. Basically, don't hesitate to call. She said she was so happy that I held her because of that one baby that passed. That mom is going to need a lot of extra prayers.

Cate was 11lbs 14ozs. She is 15% for weight and 27% for height. She was pleased with her weight because she was not on the chart when she was born and now she is. Her lungs sounded like crap according to the dr and she understood why I had been so worried. She said I was one of those moms that know what to do with these types of kids. I had the tools, I just needed to know how much meds. In addition to the benadryl, albuterol, prednisone, she is adding in pulmicort. I was like ahhh a blast from the past.

Thanks for letting me have a pity party.

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